Comfortably Numb
As I write this I have had 6 hrs of rum and recently 3 dosses of niravam. What am I doing? The simple truth is that I don't care. Of course I have no doubt that I will wake up tomorrow. But I have some pamelor I need to take yet and if I just "happen" to take too much..well.. then I will see a lot of people I lvoe faster than I'm supposed to. Or maybe this is how its supposed to be? It seems like I can't do anything right. I'm stupid, slow, don't pay attention, ask idioti questions.
I contribute nothing good. I'm taking extra drugs just to be able to go out and interact for a little while. I can't get through a weeken w/o fighting with my husband. I need so much to get away. I need to go to the hospital. But I can'/ oe is going to Mexico here in about 2 weeks so I need to be here for the kids. I just don't want to be here period. I'm tired. I'm sp damn tired of fightin.
Tonight has been really hard on my breathing. It's like all my hard work isn't being used. I'm either breahing wrong now or holding my breath and not knowing it because I'm too fucked up to maintain my breathing. isn' t that a strange thing? You never have to THINK about breathing, you just do it. But I have to. How to breathe correctly w/o gasping for air and this is a realy bad night. I'm so damn tired. All of my niravam for today is gone. I'm so doped up. Pink Floyn would say "I have become comfortably numb". I'm numb, but cofortable? My hazy brain still works. I guess if I were comfortable I wouldn't be thinking about taking that bottle of pamelor ad drinkin the whole thing. Just to go to sleep and go... away. Anywhere where I can start over. And listen to how pathetic I sound. God I'm tired. Tired of everything.Why can't I just be put ou of my misery. Why was I chosen for this personal hell? What the fuck have I done in my 41 years that I deserfe this? Am I so evil and unforgivable.
I don't want to wake up/ I don't belong here. I don't belong anywhere.
I contribute nothing good. I'm taking extra drugs just to be able to go out and interact for a little while. I can't get through a weeken w/o fighting with my husband. I need so much to get away. I need to go to the hospital. But I can'/ oe is going to Mexico here in about 2 weeks so I need to be here for the kids. I just don't want to be here period. I'm tired. I'm sp damn tired of fightin.
Tonight has been really hard on my breathing. It's like all my hard work isn't being used. I'm either breahing wrong now or holding my breath and not knowing it because I'm too fucked up to maintain my breathing. isn' t that a strange thing? You never have to THINK about breathing, you just do it. But I have to. How to breathe correctly w/o gasping for air and this is a realy bad night. I'm so damn tired. All of my niravam for today is gone. I'm so doped up. Pink Floyn would say "I have become comfortably numb". I'm numb, but cofortable? My hazy brain still works. I guess if I were comfortable I wouldn't be thinking about taking that bottle of pamelor ad drinkin the whole thing. Just to go to sleep and go... away. Anywhere where I can start over. And listen to how pathetic I sound. God I'm tired. Tired of everything.Why can't I just be put ou of my misery. Why was I chosen for this personal hell? What the fuck have I done in my 41 years that I deserfe this? Am I so evil and unforgivable.
I don't want to wake up/ I don't belong here. I don't belong anywhere.