Drunken ramblings
Maybe not really drunk. Although I've been drinking rum for about 7 hours. Is that excessive? Yeah, I think so but meh. Who cares. This isn't what I want to talk about.
Tonight I was watching the Golden Globes. No idea why. Even crappiers stuff on the other zillion channels we're paying over $130 a month for? But anyway, I was watching that (and playing on pogo.com and also battling on Castle Age) and I realized that the acceptance speeches moved me and I had no clue why. My eyes watered. Not really crying. Trying to stop it. And it got me thinking that I do that a lot. I fight it back in. 99% of the time things don't really effect me anymore. Not really like a heart breaking cry. I remember a few.
Last year after I had gone through a heart cath and they found nothing. In recovery I sent my husband home so I could fall apart alone.
The time before that was 2 years ago when my best friend died. I learned it when I went to the hospital that evening. She had died that morning and no one could get ahold of me. In my car in the parking lot I screamed and wailed with the fates and the unfairness of the world.
The time before that... was it 2004? 2005? I can't remember. I just remember that was the year I went to Chicago. I was in the mental health part of the hospital. Locked in, my first day/night. I just couldn't stop crying.
The time before that was in 2001 when both my grandparents died. Again, I had my husband stay at home with the kids so I could fall apart alone. So as you can see, I have only REALLY cried a handfull of times in the last decade. I recall before that I couldn't cry at all. It must have been my medication? I don't know. But for years I couldn't cry. I thought I had used up all my tears and my soul was truly dead. I find that yes, I still have it, but I suppress it. I suppress my tears. When I feel my eyes watering I turn my back on it until I'm in control again. What can I do? I would feel so vulnerable... I will only allow myself to cry in the midst of a tragedy in my life. It's a strange thing. How many people can do that? Am I as cold as I think I am? Somewhere along the way I lost a little part of myself and I won't allow it to come back. Maybe it's been so long I've forgotten how. I don't know what else to say. It's like I'm keeping a part of me dead on purpose.
A long long time ago I wrote this poem where I placed my heart in a box and went through the fire to give it back to.. I don't know who. The devil? God? Some keeper? Whoever it was said I had only one more chance to return and get it back and I wonder. I wonder if I dreamed it and that's the reason I wrote it down. It's been so long I can;t remember. But it feels like it really happened and in the midst of tragedy I get it back for a small window of time to feel only sorrow. Is that my punishment? And if so, why?
When my picture is taken and shown, someone comments that my eyes look so sad. I know when it happened. After the death of my grandparents. My heratige was all but gone. The two people that brought the whole family together. I remember when my granny died. I just sat at my papaw's knee and put my head there. I heard him at night calling out for her and it broke my heart. And then he willed himself to die 6 weeks later. Yeah, my eyes hold a lot of sorrow.
This sounds like a "woe is me" post and I really didn't mean it to be, nor do I think that I'm the only one to feel this way. Sometimes I wonder why though. It's said that you don't get more than you can handle. Wow. But I somehow feel broken. How do I even begin to fix myself? By next week when I see my therapist all these feelings will be pushed aside and I won't say a word.
I am not fooling myself. I 100% believe that at some point in the future I will live out my life in an asylum. Supressing emotion... one day I will lose total control for more than a few minutes and someone will die. And at some point this blog will be found and people will be awed that I saw it coming long before it happens. My anger is for another time though. Another story. .