Just bitching again.
Quote of the Day:
"Life is what happens while you're busy making other plans."
-John Lennon
So, I haven't been feeling wonderful about anything in my life lately. I hate my job more than ever. I think that the reason that I never quit is that I still have this little sense of family in the back of my mind telling me that I can't really quit, it's not that bad, and I can't get a decent job anywhere else anyway.
I have recently mentioned all of the concerns with my family's health. I really don't think that my friends actually like me anymore, assuming that they ever did. I am in dire straights. I wrecked my car, spent my life savings and took out a loan to go to Italy. I don't do any hard work or any extra work, but I am always tired and always in pain. I know it's not my arthritis because of the type of pain it is. I ache all over, as though I constantly have the flu. I haven't been able to sleep lately. I try desperately to sleep every night, but always fail miserably. I stay tired all day long, but avoid napping because I don't usually have the time and I know that it will prevent me from sleeping at night.
I don't have a life. I wake up, go to work, work, come home, stare blankly at the TV, eat, avoid my family, reminisce about Italy while noticing that going really only made other situations in my life worse, dream about one day going back permanently, face the uncertainty of both my future and my past, wait for inspiration so I can actually get some artwork done, and go to bed.
The occasional gathering of friends interrupts my monotonous routine every once in a while, but I am then reminded that it is only one breath of life and I soon will again be dying, remembering the opportunities for vitality given by just that one breath and hoping for just one more before I die.
I worry about school and the migration of my friends in only a matter of days. I feel that I am getting dumber by the second. I worry about what people think of me and why they might think what I think they probably think about me. I think about how I can and should change everything I loathe about myself and always plan to take action, but never actually take action. I am a lump of human and nothing more than that.
There is nothing special about me. The things that used to make me special no longer exist or, if they do exist, no longer make me special. My strong will has subsided in response to the emergence of my doormat tendencies. The one person I used to consider my best friend has a bit of a schizophrenic assholishness that has been magnified lately.
I see friends with significant others and it awakens a passionate hatred within me that I can only connect to jealousy and feelings of inadequacy. I have not had a boyfriend since Jeremy. That's been just over two years. Nobody has seriously even considered me a possibility in about that long. I think Adam was the last one to even bother with me, and I found out within the past year that, not only did that subside, but that it was basically a joke to him and he is simply not the person he originally presented to me.
I thought he was invincible for a short while, but he then showed me his flaws one at a time. I now notice all of them, and though I still consider him one of my best friends, we only socialize at work now. He didn't even tell me he had a girlfriend until we left for Rome and I saw him kissing her goodbye. Why would you keep something like that from a good friend you see every single day? I don't mind the fact that he has a girlfriend. I am actually kind of happy for him since he basically said that he never wanted a girlfriend and she just kind of happened to him one day. He seems to adore her (not that I have ever met her), but something is wrong with the whole thing.
Something is not right. He flirts more with me now than he did six months ago. He has made increasingly more derogatory remarks about women in general. He constantly mentions his ex-girlfriend from high school. One night in Rome, he told me about some of the dreams he was having about her and started to cry about it when he was talking to Clint and me. It wasn't in a "thank goodness I am away from that" sort of way, but in a "why did this have to happen? I miss her" sort of way. He has relied on me, someone who has only seen his girlfriend once from a distance and never spoken to her, to pick out gifts for her. He doesn't seem to party as much as he used to, but he is virtually always drunk (which used to be reserved for semi-special occasions). His best friend, Brett, is back from film school in Florida, which would theoretically increase his party habits. He started smoking again, after he "permanently" quit. It doesn't seem healthy, even though he claims that he is the happiest he has been in a "long, long time". His relationship with his parents seems to have worsened. I almost wonder if he is just using her for some reason, such as a means of moving out of his dad's house, or (I hate to say this because it makes me feel evil for thinking this based on what I know about the situation) just sex.
Having increased the area of my circle of friends, I feel that the relationships have gotten more and more shallow over time. I notice changes in them and wonder if it is because they are maturing or because I am not the friend I always thought I was. I have lost faith in myself as a person. I see the bad parts of my personality and feel like I have no control over how many of them show. I do not want these aspects to become a permanent fixture in my life. I do not know what to do about anything.
"Life is what happens while you're busy making other plans."
-John Lennon
So, I haven't been feeling wonderful about anything in my life lately. I hate my job more than ever. I think that the reason that I never quit is that I still have this little sense of family in the back of my mind telling me that I can't really quit, it's not that bad, and I can't get a decent job anywhere else anyway.
I have recently mentioned all of the concerns with my family's health. I really don't think that my friends actually like me anymore, assuming that they ever did. I am in dire straights. I wrecked my car, spent my life savings and took out a loan to go to Italy. I don't do any hard work or any extra work, but I am always tired and always in pain. I know it's not my arthritis because of the type of pain it is. I ache all over, as though I constantly have the flu. I haven't been able to sleep lately. I try desperately to sleep every night, but always fail miserably. I stay tired all day long, but avoid napping because I don't usually have the time and I know that it will prevent me from sleeping at night.
I don't have a life. I wake up, go to work, work, come home, stare blankly at the TV, eat, avoid my family, reminisce about Italy while noticing that going really only made other situations in my life worse, dream about one day going back permanently, face the uncertainty of both my future and my past, wait for inspiration so I can actually get some artwork done, and go to bed.
The occasional gathering of friends interrupts my monotonous routine every once in a while, but I am then reminded that it is only one breath of life and I soon will again be dying, remembering the opportunities for vitality given by just that one breath and hoping for just one more before I die.
I worry about school and the migration of my friends in only a matter of days. I feel that I am getting dumber by the second. I worry about what people think of me and why they might think what I think they probably think about me. I think about how I can and should change everything I loathe about myself and always plan to take action, but never actually take action. I am a lump of human and nothing more than that.
There is nothing special about me. The things that used to make me special no longer exist or, if they do exist, no longer make me special. My strong will has subsided in response to the emergence of my doormat tendencies. The one person I used to consider my best friend has a bit of a schizophrenic assholishness that has been magnified lately.
I see friends with significant others and it awakens a passionate hatred within me that I can only connect to jealousy and feelings of inadequacy. I have not had a boyfriend since Jeremy. That's been just over two years. Nobody has seriously even considered me a possibility in about that long. I think Adam was the last one to even bother with me, and I found out within the past year that, not only did that subside, but that it was basically a joke to him and he is simply not the person he originally presented to me.
I thought he was invincible for a short while, but he then showed me his flaws one at a time. I now notice all of them, and though I still consider him one of my best friends, we only socialize at work now. He didn't even tell me he had a girlfriend until we left for Rome and I saw him kissing her goodbye. Why would you keep something like that from a good friend you see every single day? I don't mind the fact that he has a girlfriend. I am actually kind of happy for him since he basically said that he never wanted a girlfriend and she just kind of happened to him one day. He seems to adore her (not that I have ever met her), but something is wrong with the whole thing.
Something is not right. He flirts more with me now than he did six months ago. He has made increasingly more derogatory remarks about women in general. He constantly mentions his ex-girlfriend from high school. One night in Rome, he told me about some of the dreams he was having about her and started to cry about it when he was talking to Clint and me. It wasn't in a "thank goodness I am away from that" sort of way, but in a "why did this have to happen? I miss her" sort of way. He has relied on me, someone who has only seen his girlfriend once from a distance and never spoken to her, to pick out gifts for her. He doesn't seem to party as much as he used to, but he is virtually always drunk (which used to be reserved for semi-special occasions). His best friend, Brett, is back from film school in Florida, which would theoretically increase his party habits. He started smoking again, after he "permanently" quit. It doesn't seem healthy, even though he claims that he is the happiest he has been in a "long, long time". His relationship with his parents seems to have worsened. I almost wonder if he is just using her for some reason, such as a means of moving out of his dad's house, or (I hate to say this because it makes me feel evil for thinking this based on what I know about the situation) just sex.
Having increased the area of my circle of friends, I feel that the relationships have gotten more and more shallow over time. I notice changes in them and wonder if it is because they are maturing or because I am not the friend I always thought I was. I have lost faith in myself as a person. I see the bad parts of my personality and feel like I have no control over how many of them show. I do not want these aspects to become a permanent fixture in my life. I do not know what to do about anything.