take on me!
right now i have two songs in mind...one is that letters to cleo cover (shit, i forgot who originally did it)
"i want you to want me, i need you to need me, i'd love you to love me, i'm begging you to beg me"
and the other is bjork's five years
"you think you're denying me of something, well i've got plenty, you're the one who's missing out, but you won't notice, until after 5 years, if you live that long, you'll wake up all loveless"
it's really funny to me that you often hear people say (or especially write, like in their livejournals) that they want to fall in love. not that i can even interpret what they mean by that exactly, but all that i can think about is that i feel like i'm already in love....with everyone and everything! i've already fallen and there is no turning back, and i'm so ready for someone else to meet me here. and don't get me wrong, i'm not saying i'm not picky about those that i share myself so deeply with, i don't just "want a boyfriend" or some friend as my crutch and it's not that i don't have enough confidence in who i am alone. but i feel as though everyone alive has this inside of them somewhere. i am really feeling like i am confident in who i am, like deep deep down, who i am, which i haven't always felt or at least didn't realize it. but i'm ready to move outside of my own body and i've beeeeen ready for so long it seems. i feel like everyone around me has this great potential to be so in love, to really be themselves and really live, to break outside of themselves and share everything. i can't take hiding inside, when there is sooo much to be done outside and i can't continue pretending with people that will not trust me. i'm sick of being "too intense" for everyone, or feeling like i need to tiptoe around thinking "you just can't go there with some people." i have spent so much time getting to know myself and contemplating my life etc, but i am so unsatisfied and feel i need to extend myself, i'm just running in circles and not moving outside. i keep picturing in my mind, this image of all these people walking around on the street with their eyes closed. inside each of these people are these AMAZING thoughts and feelings and ideas. everyone has a story to tell, and an interesting past and so much to share, but they just keep walking, with they're eyes closed, and all this greatness just stays inside this small box, and here i am standing at the corner with my contents spilled out everywhere, almost like a street vendor, and i'm just watching all this curious behavior and calling people over to check out my offers. i sit and i wait and i lay exposed on the ground. i get a little restless so i often walk up to these boxes rushing quickly by, sometimes they'll open they're eyes just slightly, maybe even smile, but if i dare pull at the tape or peak into the cracks, they become afraid and run along down the street, to...where were they going again? so i go back to my corner, discouraged i even consider cleaning up, i begin picking up my pieces and placing them back inside my box, i loosely tape myself back up. i attempt to walk with the crowd, i close my eyes, take three steps into the flow of traffic, but i find myself unable to walk...i'm not sure where i'm supposed to go or what i'm supposed to do, i can't understand the purpose or destination. so i stop, head back to my corner and sit closed up, stubborn, maybe a little angry, until i get the courage to spill out again.
i always have to make up these excuses for myself, tell myself "maria, remember, you're not like everyone else, you cannot force yourself on people who cannot handle it. don't weasle your way in and then mess with their habits and they're comforts" i try to remind myself that i will probably end up alone. it's been very difficult, i've very slowly been accepting this, that i was made with a code that cannot be matched or understood or at least it can't be understood if no one wants to try. i feel it's been working though, slowly my extreme waves of sorrow are being replaced by a simple, subtle, underlying sadness that can be ignored most of the time. it's making most things much easier, though i'll admit, it is hard for me to find a purpose or an inspiration...i guess i can just paint, which i love because i feel like it is the act of people spilling out their contents for others to see, but will people REALLY look at my work? we'll have to see. please someone prove me wrong about all of this... "I DARE YOU TO TAKE ME ON,I DARE YOU TO SHOW ME YOUR PALMS, I'M SO BORED OF COWARDS THAT SAY WHAT THEY WANT, THEN THEY CAN'T HANDLE LOVE! what's so scary? not a threat in sight. you can't handle, you can't handle love" i think it takes courage to accept vulnerability, but i think it's the only way to really get anywhere in this life.
"i want you to want me, i need you to need me, i'd love you to love me, i'm begging you to beg me"
and the other is bjork's five years
"you think you're denying me of something, well i've got plenty, you're the one who's missing out, but you won't notice, until after 5 years, if you live that long, you'll wake up all loveless"
it's really funny to me that you often hear people say (or especially write, like in their livejournals) that they want to fall in love. not that i can even interpret what they mean by that exactly, but all that i can think about is that i feel like i'm already in love....with everyone and everything! i've already fallen and there is no turning back, and i'm so ready for someone else to meet me here. and don't get me wrong, i'm not saying i'm not picky about those that i share myself so deeply with, i don't just "want a boyfriend" or some friend as my crutch and it's not that i don't have enough confidence in who i am alone. but i feel as though everyone alive has this inside of them somewhere. i am really feeling like i am confident in who i am, like deep deep down, who i am, which i haven't always felt or at least didn't realize it. but i'm ready to move outside of my own body and i've beeeeen ready for so long it seems. i feel like everyone around me has this great potential to be so in love, to really be themselves and really live, to break outside of themselves and share everything. i can't take hiding inside, when there is sooo much to be done outside and i can't continue pretending with people that will not trust me. i'm sick of being "too intense" for everyone, or feeling like i need to tiptoe around thinking "you just can't go there with some people." i have spent so much time getting to know myself and contemplating my life etc, but i am so unsatisfied and feel i need to extend myself, i'm just running in circles and not moving outside. i keep picturing in my mind, this image of all these people walking around on the street with their eyes closed. inside each of these people are these AMAZING thoughts and feelings and ideas. everyone has a story to tell, and an interesting past and so much to share, but they just keep walking, with they're eyes closed, and all this greatness just stays inside this small box, and here i am standing at the corner with my contents spilled out everywhere, almost like a street vendor, and i'm just watching all this curious behavior and calling people over to check out my offers. i sit and i wait and i lay exposed on the ground. i get a little restless so i often walk up to these boxes rushing quickly by, sometimes they'll open they're eyes just slightly, maybe even smile, but if i dare pull at the tape or peak into the cracks, they become afraid and run along down the street, to...where were they going again? so i go back to my corner, discouraged i even consider cleaning up, i begin picking up my pieces and placing them back inside my box, i loosely tape myself back up. i attempt to walk with the crowd, i close my eyes, take three steps into the flow of traffic, but i find myself unable to walk...i'm not sure where i'm supposed to go or what i'm supposed to do, i can't understand the purpose or destination. so i stop, head back to my corner and sit closed up, stubborn, maybe a little angry, until i get the courage to spill out again.
i always have to make up these excuses for myself, tell myself "maria, remember, you're not like everyone else, you cannot force yourself on people who cannot handle it. don't weasle your way in and then mess with their habits and they're comforts" i try to remind myself that i will probably end up alone. it's been very difficult, i've very slowly been accepting this, that i was made with a code that cannot be matched or understood or at least it can't be understood if no one wants to try. i feel it's been working though, slowly my extreme waves of sorrow are being replaced by a simple, subtle, underlying sadness that can be ignored most of the time. it's making most things much easier, though i'll admit, it is hard for me to find a purpose or an inspiration...i guess i can just paint, which i love because i feel like it is the act of people spilling out their contents for others to see, but will people REALLY look at my work? we'll have to see. please someone prove me wrong about all of this... "I DARE YOU TO TAKE ME ON,I DARE YOU TO SHOW ME YOUR PALMS, I'M SO BORED OF COWARDS THAT SAY WHAT THEY WANT, THEN THEY CAN'T HANDLE LOVE! what's so scary? not a threat in sight. you can't handle, you can't handle love" i think it takes courage to accept vulnerability, but i think it's the only way to really get anywhere in this life.