Ghosts and Broken Heart Breaker Songs
I've come to a certain epiphany - after all of these suicide entries. Right now I am at a sort of peace within myself. I am, of course, waiting for my medications to kick in (the dilantin, ativan and trileptal). All of these medications will give me an unawareness of self. I will be emotional, tired, unbalanced, unable to walk, disoriented, dizzy and unable to make decisions for myself.
Everything is changing - and it is not changing slowly. It tends to have a snowball effect. Dan was the catalyst, unfortunately to say. And maybe it's unfair of me to say, but I feel that I must say it anyway. Slowly, the groups that we were - the amigos, the muskeeters, the insomniacs, all fell apart. We became twosomes and sometimes onesomes, couped up in our dorms or our apartments or each other's places, contemplating over current events, our comrades and our education. Mostly employment. We shared laughter and coffee and music. In the near end, I thought that maybe we all became a little suspicious of each other and our intentions.
My seizures caused a dent. I had two of them, each were such a wrench. Being wheeled out constantly...riding in an ambulance, getting a needle shoved into my arm to control me. Happening upon the pharmacy after each visit. Having tests and not being in control of myself. It killed me. I realized that I was on that journey myself. Friends can't share that kind of consistent illness. They can take care of you afterwards, yes, but they are also only observers. And now, my illness is becoming so severe that I may have to drop out of school.
Erica is preparing to enter Nursing school - she deserves it, she's an excellent woman and an excellent student. However many issues she has with the ex asshole of a boyfriend she had, she will and maybe has overcome them. She's beautiful and strong. Most of the characteristics of a Nurse.
Ashley is an excellent friend. Someone who has always been there, who will always be there, who has good advice and a lending ear. Oh, and did I mention excellent taste in movies? I know she will always always be there for me.
Peter should probably be at the beginning of this monolouge as he certainly did pull me out of a deep depression while I was in Georgia. Our online conversations, our intense phone conversations, the tensions we shared sexually and emotionally, the dreams, the hopes, the disappointments, the fierce arguments. But mostly he opened me to so many new things. Literature, music, films. The desire to travel further than was possible, the desire to take pleasure in the simple things, the desire to slow down and enjoy life as it was. Slow. Go slow, Kels. Chin up. I'm here for you. He was my guardian angel. Is he still? I don't know. But our relationship is different in a way. I can't describe it. But I'm in love with him still. I miss him. I miss that night where we held each other in that bed. I miss his clean scent, the way his bangs fell into his eyes, the intensity in those eyes, everything. I miss it. And I feel like i'm falling apart without it. I don't know what to do. Infact, I don't really know what to do with myself period. I'm so far gone.
Dan...I fell in love with. That was a learning experience, but also...it was happiness. For however long it lasted. It helped me to learn a life lesson.
Patrick...I fell for. For all of his spontaneity, his integrity, his creativity, the care that he shows when he will, his intelligence and his soft gaze. The gaze that he gives you when you know he's looking into your soul. It's a look that you cannot escape even when you try. It's a look you can feel on your spine when you're looking at the wall, or at the floor or at the ceiling. I fell for a man who knows me, truly knows. I don't have to speak. And that is so rare. For the past two times that I've left him, it's always been hesitantly. I put a fingertip to my mouth in question, and bit back tears. I've always felt that there was something else there, something else to say. And there most likely was. And the kisses, the way he held me. That one rare occasion. I wanted it back so much.
And I'm left with solitude and left with a gaping hole.
And so I'm here. I'm left here. I'm learning not to care. And no one knows how it's killing me.
Everything is changing - and it is not changing slowly. It tends to have a snowball effect. Dan was the catalyst, unfortunately to say. And maybe it's unfair of me to say, but I feel that I must say it anyway. Slowly, the groups that we were - the amigos, the muskeeters, the insomniacs, all fell apart. We became twosomes and sometimes onesomes, couped up in our dorms or our apartments or each other's places, contemplating over current events, our comrades and our education. Mostly employment. We shared laughter and coffee and music. In the near end, I thought that maybe we all became a little suspicious of each other and our intentions.
My seizures caused a dent. I had two of them, each were such a wrench. Being wheeled out constantly...riding in an ambulance, getting a needle shoved into my arm to control me. Happening upon the pharmacy after each visit. Having tests and not being in control of myself. It killed me. I realized that I was on that journey myself. Friends can't share that kind of consistent illness. They can take care of you afterwards, yes, but they are also only observers. And now, my illness is becoming so severe that I may have to drop out of school.
Erica is preparing to enter Nursing school - she deserves it, she's an excellent woman and an excellent student. However many issues she has with the ex asshole of a boyfriend she had, she will and maybe has overcome them. She's beautiful and strong. Most of the characteristics of a Nurse.
Ashley is an excellent friend. Someone who has always been there, who will always be there, who has good advice and a lending ear. Oh, and did I mention excellent taste in movies? I know she will always always be there for me.
Peter should probably be at the beginning of this monolouge as he certainly did pull me out of a deep depression while I was in Georgia. Our online conversations, our intense phone conversations, the tensions we shared sexually and emotionally, the dreams, the hopes, the disappointments, the fierce arguments. But mostly he opened me to so many new things. Literature, music, films. The desire to travel further than was possible, the desire to take pleasure in the simple things, the desire to slow down and enjoy life as it was. Slow. Go slow, Kels. Chin up. I'm here for you. He was my guardian angel. Is he still? I don't know. But our relationship is different in a way. I can't describe it. But I'm in love with him still. I miss him. I miss that night where we held each other in that bed. I miss his clean scent, the way his bangs fell into his eyes, the intensity in those eyes, everything. I miss it. And I feel like i'm falling apart without it. I don't know what to do. Infact, I don't really know what to do with myself period. I'm so far gone.
Dan...I fell in love with. That was a learning experience, but also...it was happiness. For however long it lasted. It helped me to learn a life lesson.
Patrick...I fell for. For all of his spontaneity, his integrity, his creativity, the care that he shows when he will, his intelligence and his soft gaze. The gaze that he gives you when you know he's looking into your soul. It's a look that you cannot escape even when you try. It's a look you can feel on your spine when you're looking at the wall, or at the floor or at the ceiling. I fell for a man who knows me, truly knows. I don't have to speak. And that is so rare. For the past two times that I've left him, it's always been hesitantly. I put a fingertip to my mouth in question, and bit back tears. I've always felt that there was something else there, something else to say. And there most likely was. And the kisses, the way he held me. That one rare occasion. I wanted it back so much.
And I'm left with solitude and left with a gaping hole.
And so I'm here. I'm left here. I'm learning not to care. And no one knows how it's killing me.