ahh life
Society is a strange creation. We could all be living in peace amongst one another in nature--without all the misery of our daily grind, but no, we all force ourselves to deal with the heat, and the pressure and the get up and go. I could say that it makes me feel awful, but thats not the case. Instead I seem to be gifted with this sort of inner happiness that just comes to me naturally. I get it from Wadad Salha who I miss all the time.
Yes I want to be rich baby, rich. Who doesnt? Yes I want to own my own business. Yes I want and want just like everyone else. But No, it does not make me unhappy that I do not have expensive things or that I dont have much money at all. Instead I just think of moving forward and what I can do to better my situation and that of my mom. I find that I am happiest when I am just doing normal, simple things and that even though when i was younger I used to almost feel entitled to nice things now I have a hard time actually believing that I deserve them. Its strange. Yes I know all about them, how to get them at the best price (Im a Phoenician, its what we do) and where the value is etc, but when it comes time to me actually having something that is very expensive I dont know what to do with myself. I guess the only exceptions to that rule are things that we have had in the family for generations or something that I have been planning on getting and working on for a long time. Is that odd? Maybe if I were actually rich it just wouldnt be a big deal to buy expensive things like that all the time and I would think nothing of it.
I was freaking out not too long ago--maybe a month ago. The stress at my office was killing me, but now I am doing better and they are dividing up the workload a little bit more evenly. However who knows if that will last or not? I am going to try and stick it out here, keep on pushing through--I mean if I have made it this far, then there is further to go, no?
The stress has kept me from doing some of the things that I really want to do, like paint and do crafty things and write letters. But I guess there will be time for that in the future...now I am just trying to really make it happen. Just make something big happen so I can dive in after it and hold it up, let it breathe, and then it will pull me up with it toward the sunlight. Or so I hope anyway.
Its strange to see my Ex so in love with another woman, doing so well, traveling around Europe, getting his own place. But I am happy for him. I truly believe that when you love someone deeply and you are very connected to them (as he and I were), then you can be genuinely pleased when they are moving on and doing well. I guess its a similar feeling to the one that I experienced when Dario got married. Its like a chapter of your life is closing and you have to appreciate the past and move forward into the new chapter. The exciting part is that you are the author and you get to decide the structure of your life. What I mean is that you get to pick the players in the scene (to some extent) and make your own choices.
About getting married. So my boyfriend used to talk about it all the time and really want to blah blah, and now he makes me feel kind of awkward about talking about it with him. I guess thats just how men are. They want you but when you want them they are into the next hussy that passes by. I guess this one is still pretty into me, but we are just not ready as a couple to make that giant step. I must say that I totally agree with that. In fact I can talk about rings and wedding stuff all day just for fun, but when it comes down to the real deal, I dont know how I would feel it he were really serious about getting the deed done. I think we are moving in the right direction in our own time. Besides, I hardly know myself, how could i possibly know a man in 5 months? Thats just ludicrous. But ohh do I love him. I mean its just different this time. I can feel myself submitting to his will (and I rarely do that with boyfriends), and I want to please him all the time and make him happy. I just wish that I felt like he really was in this 100% like I did in my last 2 relationships. He is just a different sort of man than what I am used to dating. Maybe when he realizes what he has in front of him and what I can offer him, in time, he will gradually only think of me. And in so doing he will naturally make me feel like I am the most beautiful woman in the world, his princess who he wants to spoil and take care of and adore all his life. I guess if that feel never arrives it will be a little on the tragic side of things for me. But its a fledgling relationship, let's give it a moment.
Yes I want to be rich baby, rich. Who doesnt? Yes I want to own my own business. Yes I want and want just like everyone else. But No, it does not make me unhappy that I do not have expensive things or that I dont have much money at all. Instead I just think of moving forward and what I can do to better my situation and that of my mom. I find that I am happiest when I am just doing normal, simple things and that even though when i was younger I used to almost feel entitled to nice things now I have a hard time actually believing that I deserve them. Its strange. Yes I know all about them, how to get them at the best price (Im a Phoenician, its what we do) and where the value is etc, but when it comes time to me actually having something that is very expensive I dont know what to do with myself. I guess the only exceptions to that rule are things that we have had in the family for generations or something that I have been planning on getting and working on for a long time. Is that odd? Maybe if I were actually rich it just wouldnt be a big deal to buy expensive things like that all the time and I would think nothing of it.
I was freaking out not too long ago--maybe a month ago. The stress at my office was killing me, but now I am doing better and they are dividing up the workload a little bit more evenly. However who knows if that will last or not? I am going to try and stick it out here, keep on pushing through--I mean if I have made it this far, then there is further to go, no?
The stress has kept me from doing some of the things that I really want to do, like paint and do crafty things and write letters. But I guess there will be time for that in the future...now I am just trying to really make it happen. Just make something big happen so I can dive in after it and hold it up, let it breathe, and then it will pull me up with it toward the sunlight. Or so I hope anyway.
Its strange to see my Ex so in love with another woman, doing so well, traveling around Europe, getting his own place. But I am happy for him. I truly believe that when you love someone deeply and you are very connected to them (as he and I were), then you can be genuinely pleased when they are moving on and doing well. I guess its a similar feeling to the one that I experienced when Dario got married. Its like a chapter of your life is closing and you have to appreciate the past and move forward into the new chapter. The exciting part is that you are the author and you get to decide the structure of your life. What I mean is that you get to pick the players in the scene (to some extent) and make your own choices.
About getting married. So my boyfriend used to talk about it all the time and really want to blah blah, and now he makes me feel kind of awkward about talking about it with him. I guess thats just how men are. They want you but when you want them they are into the next hussy that passes by. I guess this one is still pretty into me, but we are just not ready as a couple to make that giant step. I must say that I totally agree with that. In fact I can talk about rings and wedding stuff all day just for fun, but when it comes down to the real deal, I dont know how I would feel it he were really serious about getting the deed done. I think we are moving in the right direction in our own time. Besides, I hardly know myself, how could i possibly know a man in 5 months? Thats just ludicrous. But ohh do I love him. I mean its just different this time. I can feel myself submitting to his will (and I rarely do that with boyfriends), and I want to please him all the time and make him happy. I just wish that I felt like he really was in this 100% like I did in my last 2 relationships. He is just a different sort of man than what I am used to dating. Maybe when he realizes what he has in front of him and what I can offer him, in time, he will gradually only think of me. And in so doing he will naturally make me feel like I am the most beautiful woman in the world, his princess who he wants to spoil and take care of and adore all his life. I guess if that feel never arrives it will be a little on the tragic side of things for me. But its a fledgling relationship, let's give it a moment.