I feel like being less private.
the limited few might as well know what I think about.
I’m sick of people treating me like crap. Like I don’t matter. And I’ve said this so many times before, I’ve vowed…I’ve…
I should have learned this a long time ago, that this isn’t okay.
But it still….
Lately. I realized that some of my actions were really not what I wanted them to be. That I didn’t want to be this person I’d become.
I read somewhere…rules, commonly accepted rules of ettiquette. The second two were: Don’t put yourself down, and don’t put the other person down. Its rude to be negative. Well, you can be negative, but not about anyone. You can say I don’t like that shirt. But you can’t say that shirt doesn’t look good on me.
The concept that this is the most basic form of politeness, and one that seems to be so far ignored in our culture shocked me.
So, for that and other reasons, I decided to make an effort to be nice to all my friends. Starting with a small goal, of only people who I consider to be my friends…
Cause I had also realized that people who don’t know me very well like and get along with me.
Its just my friends that I can be a monster to. Because they let me? That’s part of it.
But halfway through the day I realized why it was difficult.
Because some of my friends are so mean to me.
And I don’t even think about it from day to day.
I have too much respect (not that I highly respect these people) to name anyone. But someone said something to me today, that I wanted so much just to say “fuck you”. But I didn’t. Cause I’m not going to do that anymore. And no ones going to do it to me. And you know what? I don’t even think this person meant well. he might be another person like me, stuck in a habit, because people laughed and never spoke up when it really hurt.
Some of its culture. People bash their friends, because they’re friends.
And some of its earned.
I’ve come to realize for yet another time in my life, everyone thinks I’m stupid.
And its okay, cause I grew up that way. With friends and family…
And I’ve come to play the part. But its another thing I don’t really think about. Cause I make people laugh. And I like that.
But sometimes it really matters. Sometimes theres someone you respect, but you slip up, and now they think (know?) you’re an idiot. And what can you do if you keep failing to redeem yourself?
Because so many people think the dumb blonde thing is adorable, and now you’ve become it. You can’t be smart even if you are. (notice I don’t say try).
So, I’m sick of it. Its going to take some time again to realize who my real friends are.
I hate doing this. But I know I’m better off with the people that really care about me. That respect me. That see me for more than…I want to say really am. But how could I be more than I really am? People who see me…like I am. Whatever I am. Cause it doesn’t make sense to me right now.
I wish more people knew me better.
And I’ve found people that I’ve lost. Some more temporary, and some people who weren’t even that important, til I realized how happy they made me. By realizing how unhappy I was without them.
These people are important to me. Maybe even more so than the people who stuck with me. Because what good are those people if they only like me out of habit?
I want the people who I’ve struggled with, and have struggled with me, and made the decision to come back and care.
I want people I enjoy being with, and genuinely like and respect, rather than people to have around so I can pretend I have friends.
Not to say I don’t love the people who stuck with me, or actually realized something wrong was going on before I snapped.
But I love having good reasons for my best friends being the bestest.
The other thing about this.
Is how different comments I’ve said have sparked reactions in my friends.
When I did try to say something self-deprecating for humor, and no one found it funny. No one even got that it might be funny, they just didn’t understand how I could think a thing like that.
And that’s an excellent reason not to say things like that.
and heres another thought:
Because people expect you to be the way you’ve always been. Maybe not always been, but were when you left an impression on them. People are too wrapped up in their own lives, their own self, to notice if you change at all. You’re still that person to them, even if you have changed. People will keep thinking what they think, until one day they wake up, open their eyes, whatever, and see who you are. Whether its you or not.
But I’m not sure if that day ever comes.
Maybe if you rip their eyes open,
Cause even if you scream with all the throat you’ve got, they won’t hear a thing.
I’m sick of people treating me like crap. Like I don’t matter. And I’ve said this so many times before, I’ve vowed…I’ve…
I should have learned this a long time ago, that this isn’t okay.
But it still….
Lately. I realized that some of my actions were really not what I wanted them to be. That I didn’t want to be this person I’d become.
I read somewhere…rules, commonly accepted rules of ettiquette. The second two were: Don’t put yourself down, and don’t put the other person down. Its rude to be negative. Well, you can be negative, but not about anyone. You can say I don’t like that shirt. But you can’t say that shirt doesn’t look good on me.
The concept that this is the most basic form of politeness, and one that seems to be so far ignored in our culture shocked me.
So, for that and other reasons, I decided to make an effort to be nice to all my friends. Starting with a small goal, of only people who I consider to be my friends…
Cause I had also realized that people who don’t know me very well like and get along with me.
Its just my friends that I can be a monster to. Because they let me? That’s part of it.
But halfway through the day I realized why it was difficult.
Because some of my friends are so mean to me.
And I don’t even think about it from day to day.
I have too much respect (not that I highly respect these people) to name anyone. But someone said something to me today, that I wanted so much just to say “fuck you”. But I didn’t. Cause I’m not going to do that anymore. And no ones going to do it to me. And you know what? I don’t even think this person meant well. he might be another person like me, stuck in a habit, because people laughed and never spoke up when it really hurt.
Some of its culture. People bash their friends, because they’re friends.
And some of its earned.
I’ve come to realize for yet another time in my life, everyone thinks I’m stupid.
And its okay, cause I grew up that way. With friends and family…
And I’ve come to play the part. But its another thing I don’t really think about. Cause I make people laugh. And I like that.
But sometimes it really matters. Sometimes theres someone you respect, but you slip up, and now they think (know?) you’re an idiot. And what can you do if you keep failing to redeem yourself?
Because so many people think the dumb blonde thing is adorable, and now you’ve become it. You can’t be smart even if you are. (notice I don’t say try).
So, I’m sick of it. Its going to take some time again to realize who my real friends are.
I hate doing this. But I know I’m better off with the people that really care about me. That respect me. That see me for more than…I want to say really am. But how could I be more than I really am? People who see me…like I am. Whatever I am. Cause it doesn’t make sense to me right now.
I wish more people knew me better.
And I’ve found people that I’ve lost. Some more temporary, and some people who weren’t even that important, til I realized how happy they made me. By realizing how unhappy I was without them.
These people are important to me. Maybe even more so than the people who stuck with me. Because what good are those people if they only like me out of habit?
I want the people who I’ve struggled with, and have struggled with me, and made the decision to come back and care.
I want people I enjoy being with, and genuinely like and respect, rather than people to have around so I can pretend I have friends.
Not to say I don’t love the people who stuck with me, or actually realized something wrong was going on before I snapped.
But I love having good reasons for my best friends being the bestest.
The other thing about this.
Is how different comments I’ve said have sparked reactions in my friends.
When I did try to say something self-deprecating for humor, and no one found it funny. No one even got that it might be funny, they just didn’t understand how I could think a thing like that.
And that’s an excellent reason not to say things like that.
and heres another thought:
Because people expect you to be the way you’ve always been. Maybe not always been, but were when you left an impression on them. People are too wrapped up in their own lives, their own self, to notice if you change at all. You’re still that person to them, even if you have changed. People will keep thinking what they think, until one day they wake up, open their eyes, whatever, and see who you are. Whether its you or not.
But I’m not sure if that day ever comes.
Maybe if you rip their eyes open,
Cause even if you scream with all the throat you’ve got, they won’t hear a thing.