Mood Swings
June has already rocked my face, and it's only the fourth. In the past three days, I have been joyous to the point of full out dancing, depressed to the point of uncontrollable crying, pissed off for no reason, pissed off for valid reasons, apathetic, stressed, lethargic, twitchy...
Etc, etc.
The only consistent aspect has been my complete inability to get work done. It'll catch up to me sooner rather than later, and I usually make things work... We'll see how it goes. I guess it's part of my personal philosophy nowadays- the idea that no matter what happens, you wake up the next morning and shit keeps rolling. It's never the end of the world, no matter how painful, and even if it was... well, you'd be better of kicking back and enjoying what you can before it's all over.
Morbid. But it's June! So, let's see... Mom would have been 51 this year and I would have been graduating. It's hard to even imagine what that would look like. I can't imagine who I would be, what Mom would look like after 3 and a half years. Dad has aged visibly, but I don't know if she would have done the same... But I can imagine how elated I would feel, how she would smile and probably cry that her little baby is all grown up... The reality of my graduation is going to be nasty. There's no way I could stop Dad from coming and bringing Tina. If Dad's there, Kenny and Shaelyn won't want to talk to him. Tina will be visibly bored the whole time, smiling only when Dad talks to her. Uche will be there wearing something ridiculous, but trying to make peace along with Chaya. And in the center of that mess will be me, relieved to be done with school and eager to get away from the situation.
Which is why I'll prolly just get the degree without all the ceremony and slink out of the city at the earliest opportunity. In some ways, I understand Uche's mentality. Sometimes you just need to pack up your shit and gtfo before anyone knows better. Sometimes things are just hard in Chicago. Heavy, almost.
I guess that's what they mean by baggage? I've got this pain that I drag with me everywhere I go. I can't put it down, can't move around it, sometimes I can't even see beyond it...
But I'll just do what I can, and wait for this to pass. Then six months of relative peace until Christmas where I'll be reminded again. Then six months until June... Maybe in a few years, it won't hurt so bad.
Etc, etc.
The only consistent aspect has been my complete inability to get work done. It'll catch up to me sooner rather than later, and I usually make things work... We'll see how it goes. I guess it's part of my personal philosophy nowadays- the idea that no matter what happens, you wake up the next morning and shit keeps rolling. It's never the end of the world, no matter how painful, and even if it was... well, you'd be better of kicking back and enjoying what you can before it's all over.
Morbid. But it's June! So, let's see... Mom would have been 51 this year and I would have been graduating. It's hard to even imagine what that would look like. I can't imagine who I would be, what Mom would look like after 3 and a half years. Dad has aged visibly, but I don't know if she would have done the same... But I can imagine how elated I would feel, how she would smile and probably cry that her little baby is all grown up... The reality of my graduation is going to be nasty. There's no way I could stop Dad from coming and bringing Tina. If Dad's there, Kenny and Shaelyn won't want to talk to him. Tina will be visibly bored the whole time, smiling only when Dad talks to her. Uche will be there wearing something ridiculous, but trying to make peace along with Chaya. And in the center of that mess will be me, relieved to be done with school and eager to get away from the situation.
Which is why I'll prolly just get the degree without all the ceremony and slink out of the city at the earliest opportunity. In some ways, I understand Uche's mentality. Sometimes you just need to pack up your shit and gtfo before anyone knows better. Sometimes things are just hard in Chicago. Heavy, almost.
I guess that's what they mean by baggage? I've got this pain that I drag with me everywhere I go. I can't put it down, can't move around it, sometimes I can't even see beyond it...
But I'll just do what I can, and wait for this to pass. Then six months of relative peace until Christmas where I'll be reminded again. Then six months until June... Maybe in a few years, it won't hurt so bad.