Lies - PG-13 (22th Challenge)
Title: Lies
Author: Lauand
Beta: Purpleicicles
Pairing: Gojyo/Hakkai
Warning: Worksafe
Prompt: Body language - 70 min
A/N: I sort of cheated in this one. I wrote a lot and it took me a bit more than an hour, but then I decided to remove a large chunk of it and make it a little bit more indirect and subtle, so the fic underwent a lot of editing. I post terribly late, too. Concrit and comments (positive or negative) are always welcome.
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Jien had taught him a lot of things. Practically everything he learned as a kid. But the lessons Gojyo would remember the best, were the ones his brother hadn't been aware of teaching.
"Don't cry, shrimp."
"I'm not crying."
Jien had ruffled his hair and crouched in front of him. With tender but sad eyes, he had wiped the tears from Gojyo's cheeks and half-joked: "Oh, I see. Something got in your eyes, then."
Gojyo couldn't be sure if his brother was laughing at him or offering a way out, but decided he didn't really care. He had just realized that there was no use in lying when your body gave the truth away. Time would prove to him that, as he had started to learn that day, the most powerful deceptions were uttered in silence.
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"You're an honest man, Gojyo." Hakkai said one day, as though implying he himself wasn't. Gojyo had to repress his laughter."Sure," he sarcastically agreed. "Thousands of gamblers can swear I am." Hakkai shook his head and nursed his tea while he searched for the right words to express what he was thinking.
It hadn't been that long since the... /thing/ with Banri, and Gojyo was fearing the direction the conversation was following. Things between them were starting to seem less awkward and Gojyo didn't want to revert to that time when finding a smiling man at the stove made him freak out more than the empty fridge and discarded underwear on the couch ever could. And there wasn't a faster way to make him feel awkward than underserved praise.
"Maybe I should say ‘coherent’."
"Coherent."
"Yes, coherent. Consistent. True to yourself."
Gojyo stopped screwing the shelf to the wall and turned to stare at his roommate. Hakkai was still nursing his tea, sitting placidly at the kitchen table, watching Gojyo fix the little shelf to Hakkai's chosen location.
"Everybody is true to themselves," Gojyo shrugged and turned his attention again to the task at hand, "that's why they're them."
Hakkai made a sound as if taking air to disagree, but no words came out and Gojyo continued putting the screws in place. Gojyo never knew what prompted Hakkai to always start the weirdest conversations, but he tended to think he was better off not knowing, so he never asked.
The clink of the china let Gojyo know that Hakkai had taken another damned sip and put the cup down on its little plate for the moment. He braced himself for the philosophical question he knew was coming. Hakkai didn't disappoint him.
"Are you saying that it's being true to oneself not to act on one's feelings?"
Later on, Gojyo would curse the moment he decided it was safe to turn and look at Hakkai. Because, as so often in his life, Gojyo was wrong.
Hakkai wasn't such a good liar. In Gojyo's expert opinion, the man was rather crappy at it. Hakkai could let out a stunning amount of bullshit per minute but Gojyo was always able to say 'this is crap' or 'that smile is faked'. Hakkai was reserved and difficult to read, but he couldn't pass a lie for a truth to Gojyo to save his life. Or that was what Gojyo liked to think. And maybe because he was so good at reading blank faces, and so used to Hakkai's mask, Gojyo noted right away the sudden change in the man's eyes, the raw emotion, the hunger, the need behind those carefreely thrown words. The way Hakkai was telling him 'I won't say it aloud only because I know you don't want to hear it'.
Gojyo forced himselt to smile and shrug, as though he remained oblivious, as though he had seen nothing, heard nothing, understood nothing. "If you're a liar, it's being true to yourself to lie."
He then turned his attention to the shelf again, but his ears were strained to catch Hakkai's next sound and his teeth gritted to allow the rest of the body to act relaxed and natural.
Hakkai's reply was a low chuckle.
"Yes," he whispered, "I suppose you're right."
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Another thing Gojyo had learned, was that thinking too much never lead to the right conclusions.
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Gojyo wasn't a swindler. He didn't plan his lies. Most of the time, he wasn't even aware he wasn't being sincere. It was the need that arose in the right moment that made him hide the truth, modify it or deny it completely; just like the careless arm the he would drape around Hakkai's shoulder's that screamed 'I'm just your friend'. Or like the reek of cigarettes, beer, perfume and sex that stated 'I'm not into men'. He didn't stay his nights awake scheming how the next day he would look into Hakkai's eyes with the blandest expression that conveyed 'I don't want you', or prepared with time the mental barrier that would prevent him from getting near to Hakkai while the man did the dishes just to scent his hair.
It was just seeing the calm man darning socks, reading books, cooking meals and buying groceries that triggered it. It was just realizing that he didn't want to go back to not having Hakkai by his side that made his body lie for him, feed the deception, complement Hakkai's silent message that day: 'I won't say it aloud or otherwise either, 'cause I don't want you to know I feel the same'.