Stuck in Neutral
It's weird, on somedays I can entirely forget that in just two months....my mother will have been gone for a year.
On other days, it's all I remember because I'll be thinking back to last year, and what we would have done (there's a fourth of July festival coming up, we went every year, but last year was the best time we had, just sitting around chatting and having fun...Why is it always the 'best' that ends up being the 'last'?), or what was going on (in August of 10, mum had neck surgery, I spend five days driving over 100 miles to visit her and bring her things...it was something I rarely did because I hate hospitals)....and then...she was gone and all I remember is pain.
I'm so eager to get to that mark, to wake up on the 4th of September and go 'okay, I survived a year, I can survive it all', because I know I can, yet at the same time I'm dreading it, because I have to go through that pain of 'we had fun here, we laughed her, mom was dying right here' and it's ripping open all the wounds that I've spent a year plastering closed.
Losing my mother was the equivilent of losing a parent, best friend, roomate (of 29 years), worst enemy and favorite companion in one go. I almost lost myself to the pain (thank the gods that's passed!) and I don't WANT to go through that again. I refuse! *strong face* I just wish time would speed up a little so I can move through the bad months and back into the good, where the memories remain, but don't have such sharp edges.
...I need more sugar and more distractions.
(No, I'm not as depressed as my icon...but I don't have one for a meloncholy mood)
On other days, it's all I remember because I'll be thinking back to last year, and what we would have done (there's a fourth of July festival coming up, we went every year, but last year was the best time we had, just sitting around chatting and having fun...Why is it always the 'best' that ends up being the 'last'?), or what was going on (in August of 10, mum had neck surgery, I spend five days driving over 100 miles to visit her and bring her things...it was something I rarely did because I hate hospitals)....and then...she was gone and all I remember is pain.
I'm so eager to get to that mark, to wake up on the 4th of September and go 'okay, I survived a year, I can survive it all', because I know I can, yet at the same time I'm dreading it, because I have to go through that pain of 'we had fun here, we laughed her, mom was dying right here' and it's ripping open all the wounds that I've spent a year plastering closed.
Losing my mother was the equivilent of losing a parent, best friend, roomate (of 29 years), worst enemy and favorite companion in one go. I almost lost myself to the pain (thank the gods that's passed!) and I don't WANT to go through that again. I refuse! *strong face* I just wish time would speed up a little so I can move through the bad months and back into the good, where the memories remain, but don't have such sharp edges.
...I need more sugar and more distractions.
(No, I'm not as depressed as my icon...but I don't have one for a meloncholy mood)