I Had This Coming, Didn't I?
there's a lot of things i understand,
And there's a lot of things,
That i don't want to know.
But you're the only face,
I recognize, it's so damn sweet of you,
To look me in the eyes.
It's all right, i'm o.k.,
I think god can explain,
I believe i'm the same,
I get carried away
It's alright, i'm o.k.,
I think god can explain
I'm relieved, i'm relaxed,
I'll get over it yet,
The scent of vaseline,
In the summertime,
The feel of an ice cube,
Melting over time,
The world seems bigger than both of us,
Yet it seems so small,
When i begin to cry.
It's all right, i'm o.k.,
I think god can explain,
I believe i'm the same,
I get carried away
It's alright, i'm o.k.,
I think god can explain
I'm relieved, i'm relaxed,
I'll get over it yet,
I'm so much better than you guessed,
I'm so much bigger than you guessed,
I'm so much brighter than you guessed.
It's all right, i'm o.k.,
I think god can explain,
I believe i'm the same,
I get carried away
It's alright, i'm o.k.,
I think god can explain
I'm relieved, i'm relaxed,
I'll get over it yet,
I'll get off of your back,
I think god can explain.
I think god can explain.
I think god can explain.
My sign is currently going out with a bang. *sighs* My two best friends are angsting, and Brandon lands on my doorstep. No, I'm not contractually obligated to talk to him...
...and somehow, it seems as if I've conjured him into my IM window just now by merely mentioning his name. *blink*
Anyway, the reason for this entry was the fact that I'm sitting here with my niece and she's playing Bust-A-Move and she hummed something and the music reminded me of I Think God Can Explain and I found myself reminded of the Trunks breakup and drinking an entire bottle of Arbor Mist and being all weepy whiny miserable about it.
Oh, the late 90's up until about 2001, when my angst was at record levels.
[20 minutes later]
I ask myself why I even bother with this fool, but then again, in a way, it's because it gives me a chance to share with you the dumb shit he says.
[16:53] brandonfaidherbe: refresh my memory? how many years have we known each other now?
[16:54] mistressjupiter9: Um...7 years this summer?
[16:54] brandonfaidherbe: that sounds right...
[16:54] mistressjupiter9: 1/3 of your life, 1/4 of mine....
[16:55] brandonfaidherbe: yeah well your a great friend but thats as far as im ever willing to go with this relationship ever again, and i think you know my reasons behind that
[16:55] brandonfaidherbe: not trying to be mean... just saying it
[16:57] mistressjupiter9: You realize you didn't have to say that - the fact that we hardly talk to one another at all is pretty much proof of that. *blink*
[16:57] mistressjupiter9: It's not like I'm the one that needed convincing.
[16:59] brandonfaidherbe: Your going to be single for the rest of your life you know that.. by your choice. You can hold onto the 'omg you even if you come down here you might hurt me again' all you want, but I know the truth.
[16:59] mistressjupiter9: *blinks*
[16:59] brandonfaidherbe: The truth is from the start, you don't want a husband, you don't want any of that.
[17:00] brandonfaidherbe: It was proven when I came down and you came to the hotel for the fling with me.
[17:00] brandonfaidherbe: Then returned to that bastard you live with.
[17:01] brandonfaidherbe: I wasn't smart enough to put 2 and 2 together then, hiding phone calls.. everything....
[17:01] brandonfaidherbe: Yeah..... I know now though.
[17:02] mistressjupiter9: In other words, under the guise of telling me that we'll just be good friends, you decide to blow all that to hell by going back yet again to a past that is best off being just past?
[17:03] mistressjupiter9: Your only purpose was just to unload on me and bypass the things [you] were responsible for so that you could be completely blameless in the way things went down and try to dust your hands off of it.
[17:04] mistressjupiter9: I mean, let's overlook your emotional manipulations where every other conversation was, 'if you love me, Angela, then you would...'
[17:04] mistressjupiter9: Let's overlook the fact that when you couldn't have things your way you ran from me.
[17:04] mistressjupiter9: Let's also overlook the fact that even after all of that, I still cared about you until you cracked up and COMPLETELY vanished.
[17:05] mistressjupiter9: So for you to walk back up to my IM window to say how great you are because now you've figured out your version of the truth is more bullshit than I even care to explain to you because there's enough blame to go around and you refuse to acknowledge any of your part in it.
[17:05] mistressjupiter9: So on that note, Brandon, good afternoon and fuck you.
[17:06] brandonfaidherbe: not true
[17:06] brandonfaidherbe: now hold on
[At this point, I put up an away message on Yahoo.]
[17:07] brandonfaidherbe: give me a second.......
[17:07] brandonfaidherbe: I never said I was an angel in any of this... I hold regrets to this day.....
[17:08] brandonfaidherbe: What you told me I recognise... but to be naive, imagine my FEELINGS for a second when you knew I was 16.. at 16 how many stable guys did you know? How about you when you were young?
[17:08] brandonfaidherbe: You were perfect when you were young?
[17:08] brandonfaidherbe: I never said I didn't do wrong, but you couldn't forgive me, and you want to take no blaim in it. I've took my blame, I've felt bad and cried my eyes out over this.
[17:09] brandonfaidherbe: But when I went to make things right... you pushed it all away out of 'fear' of me...
[17:10] brandonfaidherbe: Compassion? Forgiveness? Not from you..... and you still hold on to all of it. Every single fucking mistake I've made your holding on to, using it against me.
[17:13] mistressjupiter9: I can forgive one time, Brandon. But you running is a pattern of behavior that you haven't fixed yet. I've forgiven you, but by no means do I forget it.
[17:14] mistressjupiter9: But you seem to be happy to lay the blame at my feet for what happened, irregardless of the fact that I have other responsibilities. I had Maddie to keep up with, and like it or not, her father comes with her.
[17:15] mistressjupiter9: But you know what? It's all past and you want us to be good friends but you come out swinging at me as if you're having the worst time in the world putting shit to rest.
[17:16] mistressjupiter9: I can live with us being friends but not if you want to just continually assign blame to a piece of the past that should be just that.
[17:17] brandonfaidherbe: Angela... ok I'm getting off yahoo IM.. its not my intention to dig up the past... and Im sorry for anything I've done to you believe me I regreat it....
[17:18] brandonfaidherbe: I just felt at the end I didn't get a chance at redemption.. or the life I wanted to live with you.
[17:18] brandonfaidherbe: It still breaks my heart because you were my first 'love' and I did love you, I was confused yes but I did...
[17:19] brandonfaidherbe: So I am sorry and I'll get off here.
[17:19] *** "brandonfaidherbe" signed off at Sun May 14 17:19:38 2006.
...
The hurts I carry towards people and events in my life last a long time. Particularly when it's someone that I love the way that I loved him. Ugh. This by no means ruins my day, just pisses me off.
And there's a lot of things,
That i don't want to know.
But you're the only face,
I recognize, it's so damn sweet of you,
To look me in the eyes.
It's all right, i'm o.k.,
I think god can explain,
I believe i'm the same,
I get carried away
It's alright, i'm o.k.,
I think god can explain
I'm relieved, i'm relaxed,
I'll get over it yet,
The scent of vaseline,
In the summertime,
The feel of an ice cube,
Melting over time,
The world seems bigger than both of us,
Yet it seems so small,
When i begin to cry.
It's all right, i'm o.k.,
I think god can explain,
I believe i'm the same,
I get carried away
It's alright, i'm o.k.,
I think god can explain
I'm relieved, i'm relaxed,
I'll get over it yet,
I'm so much better than you guessed,
I'm so much bigger than you guessed,
I'm so much brighter than you guessed.
It's all right, i'm o.k.,
I think god can explain,
I believe i'm the same,
I get carried away
It's alright, i'm o.k.,
I think god can explain
I'm relieved, i'm relaxed,
I'll get over it yet,
I'll get off of your back,
I think god can explain.
I think god can explain.
I think god can explain.
My sign is currently going out with a bang. *sighs* My two best friends are angsting, and Brandon lands on my doorstep. No, I'm not contractually obligated to talk to him...
...and somehow, it seems as if I've conjured him into my IM window just now by merely mentioning his name. *blink*
Anyway, the reason for this entry was the fact that I'm sitting here with my niece and she's playing Bust-A-Move and she hummed something and the music reminded me of I Think God Can Explain and I found myself reminded of the Trunks breakup and drinking an entire bottle of Arbor Mist and being all weepy whiny miserable about it.
Oh, the late 90's up until about 2001, when my angst was at record levels.
[20 minutes later]
I ask myself why I even bother with this fool, but then again, in a way, it's because it gives me a chance to share with you the dumb shit he says.
[16:53] brandonfaidherbe: refresh my memory? how many years have we known each other now?
[16:54] mistressjupiter9: Um...7 years this summer?
[16:54] brandonfaidherbe: that sounds right...
[16:54] mistressjupiter9: 1/3 of your life, 1/4 of mine....
[16:55] brandonfaidherbe: yeah well your a great friend but thats as far as im ever willing to go with this relationship ever again, and i think you know my reasons behind that
[16:55] brandonfaidherbe: not trying to be mean... just saying it
[16:57] mistressjupiter9: You realize you didn't have to say that - the fact that we hardly talk to one another at all is pretty much proof of that. *blink*
[16:57] mistressjupiter9: It's not like I'm the one that needed convincing.
[16:59] brandonfaidherbe: Your going to be single for the rest of your life you know that.. by your choice. You can hold onto the 'omg you even if you come down here you might hurt me again' all you want, but I know the truth.
[16:59] mistressjupiter9: *blinks*
[16:59] brandonfaidherbe: The truth is from the start, you don't want a husband, you don't want any of that.
[17:00] brandonfaidherbe: It was proven when I came down and you came to the hotel for the fling with me.
[17:00] brandonfaidherbe: Then returned to that bastard you live with.
[17:01] brandonfaidherbe: I wasn't smart enough to put 2 and 2 together then, hiding phone calls.. everything....
[17:01] brandonfaidherbe: Yeah..... I know now though.
[17:02] mistressjupiter9: In other words, under the guise of telling me that we'll just be good friends, you decide to blow all that to hell by going back yet again to a past that is best off being just past?
[17:03] mistressjupiter9: Your only purpose was just to unload on me and bypass the things [you] were responsible for so that you could be completely blameless in the way things went down and try to dust your hands off of it.
[17:04] mistressjupiter9: I mean, let's overlook your emotional manipulations where every other conversation was, 'if you love me, Angela, then you would...'
[17:04] mistressjupiter9: Let's overlook the fact that when you couldn't have things your way you ran from me.
[17:04] mistressjupiter9: Let's also overlook the fact that even after all of that, I still cared about you until you cracked up and COMPLETELY vanished.
[17:05] mistressjupiter9: So for you to walk back up to my IM window to say how great you are because now you've figured out your version of the truth is more bullshit than I even care to explain to you because there's enough blame to go around and you refuse to acknowledge any of your part in it.
[17:05] mistressjupiter9: So on that note, Brandon, good afternoon and fuck you.
[17:06] brandonfaidherbe: not true
[17:06] brandonfaidherbe: now hold on
[At this point, I put up an away message on Yahoo.]
[17:07] brandonfaidherbe: give me a second.......
[17:07] brandonfaidherbe: I never said I was an angel in any of this... I hold regrets to this day.....
[17:08] brandonfaidherbe: What you told me I recognise... but to be naive, imagine my FEELINGS for a second when you knew I was 16.. at 16 how many stable guys did you know? How about you when you were young?
[17:08] brandonfaidherbe: You were perfect when you were young?
[17:08] brandonfaidherbe: I never said I didn't do wrong, but you couldn't forgive me, and you want to take no blaim in it. I've took my blame, I've felt bad and cried my eyes out over this.
[17:09] brandonfaidherbe: But when I went to make things right... you pushed it all away out of 'fear' of me...
[17:10] brandonfaidherbe: Compassion? Forgiveness? Not from you..... and you still hold on to all of it. Every single fucking mistake I've made your holding on to, using it against me.
[17:13] mistressjupiter9: I can forgive one time, Brandon. But you running is a pattern of behavior that you haven't fixed yet. I've forgiven you, but by no means do I forget it.
[17:14] mistressjupiter9: But you seem to be happy to lay the blame at my feet for what happened, irregardless of the fact that I have other responsibilities. I had Maddie to keep up with, and like it or not, her father comes with her.
[17:15] mistressjupiter9: But you know what? It's all past and you want us to be good friends but you come out swinging at me as if you're having the worst time in the world putting shit to rest.
[17:16] mistressjupiter9: I can live with us being friends but not if you want to just continually assign blame to a piece of the past that should be just that.
[17:17] brandonfaidherbe: Angela... ok I'm getting off yahoo IM.. its not my intention to dig up the past... and Im sorry for anything I've done to you believe me I regreat it....
[17:18] brandonfaidherbe: I just felt at the end I didn't get a chance at redemption.. or the life I wanted to live with you.
[17:18] brandonfaidherbe: It still breaks my heart because you were my first 'love' and I did love you, I was confused yes but I did...
[17:19] brandonfaidherbe: So I am sorry and I'll get off here.
[17:19] *** "brandonfaidherbe" signed off at Sun May 14 17:19:38 2006.
...
The hurts I carry towards people and events in my life last a long time. Particularly when it's someone that I love the way that I loved him. Ugh. This by no means ruins my day, just pisses me off.