(no subject)
I am starting to question whether or not this relationship with dave is going to work out.
He called me today and i was upset with my brother ben for something he did to my mom.
My mother keeps her medication in a safe in my grandfathers room.
In order to get into the safe you need a key that my grandfather keeps on him at all times.
This morning Ben told my grandfather that my mom told him to get a patch (a fentanyl patch) for her out of the safe.
So my grandfather gave Ben the keys to get the patch.
Come to find out my mother never asked him to do that and he took the patch and did it (using water, a straw, and a cap off of a soda bottle; then snorting the water)
My mom came in my room with the straw and the bottle cap and threw them at me, then told me what happened.
I was really upset.
So when dave called i told him what happened.
And he got upset.
His reason: when he imed me i was in the bathroom.
I dont know if he knows i was in the bathroom watching my mom blow dry her hair.
So he decided i was using too.
His main reason was because my mom called him last night and told him that i was bugging her for pills and asked dave if he could give her back the 2 pills he has to give to me.
And because of that i must be using.
And lieing to him about it.
I'm clean.
But yes i have asked my mom for pills once or twice since i've been clean.
I do still have cravings and i probably will for a really long time.
Everytime i've asked her though she has said no and i've accepted that.
He's just been getting on my nerves so much latly.
He makes me feel shitty about myself more and more lately.
He tells me i'm not motivated to get a job.
When I've filled out more applications then he has in his life recently.
He tells me all we do is sit around all the time and he hates it.
When I've asked him on many occasions to do things.
Things that dont require money.
Like taking a walk, or going to the beach.
We could go to the library, or go fishing.
Do things that normal people like to do but whenever i ask him he says no.
but it's my fault we never get to do anything because i dont have a job.
One things I'm starting to hate is his guilt trips.
He asks me to tickle and massage his back and if i say no he makes me feel bad until i do it.
It's the same things with sex.
Yesterday i told him for our anniversary that i would let him try to have anal sex cause he wants it so badly.
I let him try three times but it hurt so bad that i cried.
Later that night he tried to guilt me into it, telling me that i said i would let him do it.
It didnt matter to him that it hurt me so badly that i cried, it just mattered that he wanted it.
And today on the phone he just kept making me feel worse and worse about myself.
He tells me that there is always something wrong with me, or that i tell him there is always something wrong with me.
I have a cold right now, so last night i was feeling really sick.
My head hurt so bad i started to cry, he comforted me last night but today it's like it was a problem.
Yes, i tell him when i'm feeling sick, and i think i shouldnt anymore because he reminds me that i do it all the time.
Yes, i probably do tell him that i'm hurting, or swollen, or feeling sick alot but what he doesnt realize is that i tell him these things when he's bugging me for sex.
He thinks that i should be just like him.
Just the way he was when he was my age.
I dont know, i'm just thinking that this relationship isnt going to work out.
I'm trying so hard but it doesnt seem to matter to him anymore.
All that matters to him is what i've done in the past.
He thinks i'm going to start using again because i've done so in the past.
He thinks, even though we talked about that if i lie to him again it's over, that i'm going to lie to him again.
He thinks i dont want to work because i dont go looking for a job everyday.
I mean i told him last week that my mom and me were going job hunting again tomorrow.
But i'm not motivated.
I know he has his side of the story.
But this is how he has been making me feel.
And my feelings matter.
He's been acting so selfish lately.
It seems like it's always what he wants, or how he feels.
And it doesnt matter what i want or what i feel.
I want him to listen to me.
He says we need better communication but whenever i try to talk to him about how i'm feeling he turns it around to how he feels.
I want him to love me for who i am, not who he wants me to be.
I want him to stop putting guilt trips on me, and understand when i say no.
I just wish we were equals.
Cause it feels like he thinks that he's better then me.
I dont know anymore.
I want this to work.
I love him with all my heart, but it's just getting hard.
I know i've done a lot of stuff to him in the past but i just wish that when i apologized it meant something.
I wish he could forgive me and let us get on with our lives.
i'm starting to feel like i cant even talk to him anymore, cause he doesnt believe me about anything i do tell him.
I wish i could take back the things i've done to him in the past but i cant.
and i'm trying so hard to make up for the things that i've done.
It feels like it's not working.
I feel like i'm not important to him anymore, that only the things i do for him are important.
I dont know.
I really dont anymore.
I wish he would think about how i feel, and about where i'm coming from.
I wish he would forgive me for my past mistakes and think of us as equals.
I just wish things were better.
But things arnt right now.
Maybe if i pray to GOD for things to change they will.
It seems like that's all i can do.
He called me today and i was upset with my brother ben for something he did to my mom.
My mother keeps her medication in a safe in my grandfathers room.
In order to get into the safe you need a key that my grandfather keeps on him at all times.
This morning Ben told my grandfather that my mom told him to get a patch (a fentanyl patch) for her out of the safe.
So my grandfather gave Ben the keys to get the patch.
Come to find out my mother never asked him to do that and he took the patch and did it (using water, a straw, and a cap off of a soda bottle; then snorting the water)
My mom came in my room with the straw and the bottle cap and threw them at me, then told me what happened.
I was really upset.
So when dave called i told him what happened.
And he got upset.
His reason: when he imed me i was in the bathroom.
I dont know if he knows i was in the bathroom watching my mom blow dry her hair.
So he decided i was using too.
His main reason was because my mom called him last night and told him that i was bugging her for pills and asked dave if he could give her back the 2 pills he has to give to me.
And because of that i must be using.
And lieing to him about it.
I'm clean.
But yes i have asked my mom for pills once or twice since i've been clean.
I do still have cravings and i probably will for a really long time.
Everytime i've asked her though she has said no and i've accepted that.
He's just been getting on my nerves so much latly.
He makes me feel shitty about myself more and more lately.
He tells me i'm not motivated to get a job.
When I've filled out more applications then he has in his life recently.
He tells me all we do is sit around all the time and he hates it.
When I've asked him on many occasions to do things.
Things that dont require money.
Like taking a walk, or going to the beach.
We could go to the library, or go fishing.
Do things that normal people like to do but whenever i ask him he says no.
but it's my fault we never get to do anything because i dont have a job.
One things I'm starting to hate is his guilt trips.
He asks me to tickle and massage his back and if i say no he makes me feel bad until i do it.
It's the same things with sex.
Yesterday i told him for our anniversary that i would let him try to have anal sex cause he wants it so badly.
I let him try three times but it hurt so bad that i cried.
Later that night he tried to guilt me into it, telling me that i said i would let him do it.
It didnt matter to him that it hurt me so badly that i cried, it just mattered that he wanted it.
And today on the phone he just kept making me feel worse and worse about myself.
He tells me that there is always something wrong with me, or that i tell him there is always something wrong with me.
I have a cold right now, so last night i was feeling really sick.
My head hurt so bad i started to cry, he comforted me last night but today it's like it was a problem.
Yes, i tell him when i'm feeling sick, and i think i shouldnt anymore because he reminds me that i do it all the time.
Yes, i probably do tell him that i'm hurting, or swollen, or feeling sick alot but what he doesnt realize is that i tell him these things when he's bugging me for sex.
He thinks that i should be just like him.
Just the way he was when he was my age.
I dont know, i'm just thinking that this relationship isnt going to work out.
I'm trying so hard but it doesnt seem to matter to him anymore.
All that matters to him is what i've done in the past.
He thinks i'm going to start using again because i've done so in the past.
He thinks, even though we talked about that if i lie to him again it's over, that i'm going to lie to him again.
He thinks i dont want to work because i dont go looking for a job everyday.
I mean i told him last week that my mom and me were going job hunting again tomorrow.
But i'm not motivated.
I know he has his side of the story.
But this is how he has been making me feel.
And my feelings matter.
He's been acting so selfish lately.
It seems like it's always what he wants, or how he feels.
And it doesnt matter what i want or what i feel.
I want him to listen to me.
He says we need better communication but whenever i try to talk to him about how i'm feeling he turns it around to how he feels.
I want him to love me for who i am, not who he wants me to be.
I want him to stop putting guilt trips on me, and understand when i say no.
I just wish we were equals.
Cause it feels like he thinks that he's better then me.
I dont know anymore.
I want this to work.
I love him with all my heart, but it's just getting hard.
I know i've done a lot of stuff to him in the past but i just wish that when i apologized it meant something.
I wish he could forgive me and let us get on with our lives.
i'm starting to feel like i cant even talk to him anymore, cause he doesnt believe me about anything i do tell him.
I wish i could take back the things i've done to him in the past but i cant.
and i'm trying so hard to make up for the things that i've done.
It feels like it's not working.
I feel like i'm not important to him anymore, that only the things i do for him are important.
I dont know.
I really dont anymore.
I wish he would think about how i feel, and about where i'm coming from.
I wish he would forgive me for my past mistakes and think of us as equals.
I just wish things were better.
But things arnt right now.
Maybe if i pray to GOD for things to change they will.
It seems like that's all i can do.