Last entry before turning 22...warning, it's a bit long I guess
I didn't mean to let this get out of hand in terms of updating it. I usually like to tell people what's going on, but it looks like we must do a little catch up by date.
Thursday July 12th
This day went pretty alright. I discovered that the two other guys who were training along with me are also college students. Both english/journalism majors. Joe goes to Shippenburg and Andrew is going to Salsbury. I think I spelled that right... Anyway, that evening is what made this date a bit memorable. I couldn't concentrate that evening on anything. I went over to Parris' house to talk to him. I don't have anyone else to talk about what all is going through my head. We sat out on his porch and talked about life and fears and stuff. Then we went to the draft zone to hang out with Donovan and Olivia. I realized that Olivia is pretty alright. She's a bit different but that's okay. As for Donovan, I can't stand him. I don't think I ever will now. When I walked home that night, I saw Donovan meeting up with Parris. In the back of my head, all I could think was that Donovan was going to screw my friend. They were both drunk and they met up in the alley way near parris' house. I was standing down the street and could see it. I know it doesn't sound like this makes sense, but that's okay. I just had to get this out of my guts.
I had fun at the bar though. I got pizza with this cool kid named James. I apparently know his sister, because she went to FSU. James and I played pool against Parris and Donovan. Parris taught me some good pool tricks. I think the most awkward moment of the night was sitting with Parris and Donovan. We were the last ones from the group of people left. I wanted to be hateful at Donovan, because I knew he had already fooled around with Parris. Little did I know that I was going to witness something when I would start walking down the street towards my house. Now granted for all I know, nothing happened, but my guts tell me otherwise. I'm not "Jealous" by any real standards. I feel angry that my friend is selling himself short. But I guess in a way, I've sold myself short a few times already too. I went home just feeling weird and figured that I'm going to DC tomorrow so it doesn't really matter.
Friday, July 13th
The road trip was pretty good. It was such a beautiful day. I didn't mind being up so early either. Being in College Park again felt a little weird. I felt like I should be going to classes or something. (I also left College Park back in May on some rough feelings and terms) Not just that, but I was still coming to terms that I AM NEVER GETTING INTO THE SCHOOL OF JOURNALISM. I don't have the required GPA to even get the school to look at my records. But I have found another way around these issues. I had a meeting with Dr. McAdams, the assistant dean of undergraduate studies. I've met her a few times before actually. She used to be a journalist, a journalism professor and a few other things. Her advise was to create my own program of study, because I can still take some important journalism classes. It's going to be a major/degree tailored to my passions. So far I know that's going to incorperate Journalism, creative writing, politics/public leadership, ect. I'm doing this through the Individual studies program. I've told myself repeatedly that it's not the end of the world that I can't get into the school of journalism. Besides, I think a master's degree would be more impressive.
My mom's doctor's appointment went pretty well. I slept in the waiting room and read magazines. On the way home, we stopped at Romero's Macaroni Grill in Silver Springs. It was really awesome and is probably one of my favorite places to get pasta. I got home that evening around 10 pm. As soon as I got home, I went out to the bars even though I didn't get anything to drink. I stayed out late because I was bored and needed to walk around after being in a car for most of the day. I walked by Parris' house and I saw Donovan's car there. That pissed me off. Once again, I thought my friend was giving himself away, granted that's if what I think was happening was happening. I hung out with a friend at Draft Zone. Heather is a bartender there, so that was good. When I got home, I got into a fight with my dad and then my mom yelled at me. Not fun.
Saturday, July 14th
That morning felt awful. I didn't go into Spherix to make up some time for my training. I called in sick (which I was and still am actually...damn sinus infection!) but said I'd be in the next day. My parents weren't happy with me that I've been staying out late. I had my appointment with my psychiatrist and I told him about how I'm hoping to go to therapy. He fully supported that. So I went home and then went out again. I don't even drink that's the funny thing about it I guess. I was told that I had to be home by 12 am, so I did that. I ran into Parris at Dante's. He told me that his uncle had passed away. (On some research of my own, he died of cancer on July 11th, which is unfortunate). Parris was angry that his parents haven't even spoken to him about it. He found out through his boss. He was pretty angst ridden and left the bar. I went home.
Sunday, July 15th
I went to work to finish my training. I listened to some calls and learned how to make a few different kinds of reservations. On the way home from work, My mom stopped at Parris' to see if he wanted to join us for dinner. He was rather aggitated and well, he didn't come over, which is understandable. I start to worry about him honestly.
Monday, July 16th- Tuesday, July 17th
I took my final exam for work. I got a 94 percent on it, which is sweet! I started learning to take calls and enter things into the real database. At first i was really nervous. Actually I was that way for Tuesday evening. My netflix movies had came in. I watched The Boxer and that was pretty good. Monday evening, I tried to see if Parris wanted to watch In the Name of the Father but he turned me down. Work on tuesday went a lot smoother than Monday.
Wednesday, July 18th - Thursday, July 19th
Work was amusing that day. It was my last day doing the phones with someone linked up with me. I was paired with Courtney, this girl who used to date my friend Andy. It's funny I used to think she was a snob, but she's pretty awesome. We started talking about high school. She went to Allegany and apparently knew both Olivia and Donovan. She told me about how Donovan was openly gay in high school, which is weird since Olivia is his girlfriend... At 11:30 am, the phones at Spherix went dead thanks to the construction happening next door, so everyone was sent home. I spent my afternoon off just taking it easy. I talked to a friend and got to the bottom about Donovan to an extent. Apparently, Olivia and him have an open relationship I guess. I just don't like thinking this guy is cheating on his girlfriend with my friend. It's quite fucked up. It's funny though, because after I found these things out. I went to Main Street books and bought a James Joyce book for myself. (I got my last pay check from my work study job - finally!!!) I bought Dubliners. It was a cheap buy. Donovan works at the book store, so yeah it was funny seeing him. Another funny thing happened while at the book store, I ran into my friend Catelin's dad, who is a professor at FSU. He told me that his wife had a dream and I was in it. I found that a bit hilarious. Her parents are pretty cool though, so I guess it works. I do find it ironic that I can't have a dream, yet I'm in other people's dreams.
On both Wednesday and Thursday evenings, I attended this awesome fincial seminar given by the credit union I belong to. I learned how to save money, build good credit and how to prevent ID theft. I'm pretty excited about the things I've learned. Not to mention, I'm getting 35 bucks for completing the program.
Work on Thursday went really well. I had a dental appointment that afternoon and it went well. After the seminar that evening, I got home and went to Dante's for a Cider. Some dude played a cover of Ryan Adams song, which was pretty cool. I love the lyric "Take me out, fuck me up, steal all my records..." It's about heartbreak obviously! At the end of the song, Parris came back to the bar. (I saw him from the corner of my eyes when I got there, but I wasn't there to see him) He apologized for neglecting me this week. After I finished my cider, I watched Parris play pool and went home. I'm not sure why I watched him play pool, I guess I was trying to be nice. Oh I forgot, I met this cute guy name Ian. He works at Spherix too and he was like "which contract you work? I've seen you around..." I told him how I work for the michigan contract and he told me how he works the PA contract. He said to me "I'll see you around soon" (awesome! x 3)
Friday, July 20th - Sunday, July 22nd
Friday night, I went out to Dante's and hung out with Sinead the bartender. She's really awesome. Also another local friend was around. At the bar, we listened to Tito Puente, because I mentioned how I heard latin jazz outside on my walk to the bar. I didn't tell them that I heard it when I walked by Parris' parents's house. His mom was on the porch listening to jazz. We don't know each other at all, but I thought it was cool she was listening to jazz. I just walked by and hummed along to the music. After being at Dante's for a bit, I walked outside and saw all these people lining up for the last Harry Potter book. I forgot that Main Street Books was doing a party for the release. I saw some cute kids dressed as wizards. I thought maybe Parris would want to do a late night donut run. I noticed his lights were on, so I stopped by. Bad choice. He was still in a bad mood. He explained to me as to why he's been staying away. I didn't want him to think that I didn't care anymore which is why I've checked up on him every so many days. We came to an understanding. Almost got into a fight. He started to sound firm with me and then I got a bit hateful and fired back at him. I wasn't in the mood. I was desperate to hang out with any of my friends. He knew that too. He noticed I was getting upset and then he put his arms around me and told me that he'll come to get me when he is ready to be around people again. So yeah, great, I have nobody in Frostburg now. Not just that, but I have no one to celebrate my birthday with. (My mother is working both jobs on my birthday and my sister is going to be busy, so seriously, I have nobody!) After talking to Parris, I just went home and went to sleep.
Saturday was empty as far as I can remember about yesterday. I did go out to the Draft Zone and I had a drink. It was just a fruity soda thing. It was nice to chill with a few people though. I went home around 1 am. I've felt a bit sad about things. I'm trying to work past though emotions. I just have this dwelling emptiness.
As for today, I watched In the Name of the Father, which was great to watch. I needed something to lose myself in. The emotions in that are intense. I read some things on the net about Gerry Conlon, the guy who is played by Daniel Day-Lewis. The poor guy is still having issues with being traumatized even though he's been free since 1989. I watched the movie thinking about how I wish I could reach out to him. He has real issues. I'm not sure if I really do. but then again, I've been falsely accused of some pretty heinus shit too. (long story about that, but I got my innocence back thank god) But unlike him, I never went to jail and I never lost 15 years of my life. One thing that is true, everyone has their own crosses to bear. We all have our own issues to solve and to face. Perhaps that is what makes us all human.
After I was done watching the movie, my friend Andy showed up at my house. It was nice to see him, but he seemed distant. I think he's doing drugs again. It's his choice but it would explain why I never see him. We used to be close and now, I'm lucky if I see him every 6 months and it's not like he lives far away either. I am thankful I saw him, but it wasn't like old times, which was sad. We didn't do anything fun either. Oh well, I still love him like a brother I guess.
If you've made it down to here, thank you for reading. I didn't mean to not update for so long. I wanted to document everything though. I look at this blog/journal as my way of keeping track of everything in my life. Or atleast the past 3 years of my life. I've been doing a lot of reflection on my life. tomorrow for my birthday, after work, I'm going to see my therapist for the first time since I graduated high school. It shall be interesting.
Thursday July 12th
This day went pretty alright. I discovered that the two other guys who were training along with me are also college students. Both english/journalism majors. Joe goes to Shippenburg and Andrew is going to Salsbury. I think I spelled that right... Anyway, that evening is what made this date a bit memorable. I couldn't concentrate that evening on anything. I went over to Parris' house to talk to him. I don't have anyone else to talk about what all is going through my head. We sat out on his porch and talked about life and fears and stuff. Then we went to the draft zone to hang out with Donovan and Olivia. I realized that Olivia is pretty alright. She's a bit different but that's okay. As for Donovan, I can't stand him. I don't think I ever will now. When I walked home that night, I saw Donovan meeting up with Parris. In the back of my head, all I could think was that Donovan was going to screw my friend. They were both drunk and they met up in the alley way near parris' house. I was standing down the street and could see it. I know it doesn't sound like this makes sense, but that's okay. I just had to get this out of my guts.
I had fun at the bar though. I got pizza with this cool kid named James. I apparently know his sister, because she went to FSU. James and I played pool against Parris and Donovan. Parris taught me some good pool tricks. I think the most awkward moment of the night was sitting with Parris and Donovan. We were the last ones from the group of people left. I wanted to be hateful at Donovan, because I knew he had already fooled around with Parris. Little did I know that I was going to witness something when I would start walking down the street towards my house. Now granted for all I know, nothing happened, but my guts tell me otherwise. I'm not "Jealous" by any real standards. I feel angry that my friend is selling himself short. But I guess in a way, I've sold myself short a few times already too. I went home just feeling weird and figured that I'm going to DC tomorrow so it doesn't really matter.
Friday, July 13th
The road trip was pretty good. It was such a beautiful day. I didn't mind being up so early either. Being in College Park again felt a little weird. I felt like I should be going to classes or something. (I also left College Park back in May on some rough feelings and terms) Not just that, but I was still coming to terms that I AM NEVER GETTING INTO THE SCHOOL OF JOURNALISM. I don't have the required GPA to even get the school to look at my records. But I have found another way around these issues. I had a meeting with Dr. McAdams, the assistant dean of undergraduate studies. I've met her a few times before actually. She used to be a journalist, a journalism professor and a few other things. Her advise was to create my own program of study, because I can still take some important journalism classes. It's going to be a major/degree tailored to my passions. So far I know that's going to incorperate Journalism, creative writing, politics/public leadership, ect. I'm doing this through the Individual studies program. I've told myself repeatedly that it's not the end of the world that I can't get into the school of journalism. Besides, I think a master's degree would be more impressive.
My mom's doctor's appointment went pretty well. I slept in the waiting room and read magazines. On the way home, we stopped at Romero's Macaroni Grill in Silver Springs. It was really awesome and is probably one of my favorite places to get pasta. I got home that evening around 10 pm. As soon as I got home, I went out to the bars even though I didn't get anything to drink. I stayed out late because I was bored and needed to walk around after being in a car for most of the day. I walked by Parris' house and I saw Donovan's car there. That pissed me off. Once again, I thought my friend was giving himself away, granted that's if what I think was happening was happening. I hung out with a friend at Draft Zone. Heather is a bartender there, so that was good. When I got home, I got into a fight with my dad and then my mom yelled at me. Not fun.
Saturday, July 14th
That morning felt awful. I didn't go into Spherix to make up some time for my training. I called in sick (which I was and still am actually...damn sinus infection!) but said I'd be in the next day. My parents weren't happy with me that I've been staying out late. I had my appointment with my psychiatrist and I told him about how I'm hoping to go to therapy. He fully supported that. So I went home and then went out again. I don't even drink that's the funny thing about it I guess. I was told that I had to be home by 12 am, so I did that. I ran into Parris at Dante's. He told me that his uncle had passed away. (On some research of my own, he died of cancer on July 11th, which is unfortunate). Parris was angry that his parents haven't even spoken to him about it. He found out through his boss. He was pretty angst ridden and left the bar. I went home.
Sunday, July 15th
I went to work to finish my training. I listened to some calls and learned how to make a few different kinds of reservations. On the way home from work, My mom stopped at Parris' to see if he wanted to join us for dinner. He was rather aggitated and well, he didn't come over, which is understandable. I start to worry about him honestly.
Monday, July 16th- Tuesday, July 17th
I took my final exam for work. I got a 94 percent on it, which is sweet! I started learning to take calls and enter things into the real database. At first i was really nervous. Actually I was that way for Tuesday evening. My netflix movies had came in. I watched The Boxer and that was pretty good. Monday evening, I tried to see if Parris wanted to watch In the Name of the Father but he turned me down. Work on tuesday went a lot smoother than Monday.
Wednesday, July 18th - Thursday, July 19th
Work was amusing that day. It was my last day doing the phones with someone linked up with me. I was paired with Courtney, this girl who used to date my friend Andy. It's funny I used to think she was a snob, but she's pretty awesome. We started talking about high school. She went to Allegany and apparently knew both Olivia and Donovan. She told me about how Donovan was openly gay in high school, which is weird since Olivia is his girlfriend... At 11:30 am, the phones at Spherix went dead thanks to the construction happening next door, so everyone was sent home. I spent my afternoon off just taking it easy. I talked to a friend and got to the bottom about Donovan to an extent. Apparently, Olivia and him have an open relationship I guess. I just don't like thinking this guy is cheating on his girlfriend with my friend. It's quite fucked up. It's funny though, because after I found these things out. I went to Main Street books and bought a James Joyce book for myself. (I got my last pay check from my work study job - finally!!!) I bought Dubliners. It was a cheap buy. Donovan works at the book store, so yeah it was funny seeing him. Another funny thing happened while at the book store, I ran into my friend Catelin's dad, who is a professor at FSU. He told me that his wife had a dream and I was in it. I found that a bit hilarious. Her parents are pretty cool though, so I guess it works. I do find it ironic that I can't have a dream, yet I'm in other people's dreams.
On both Wednesday and Thursday evenings, I attended this awesome fincial seminar given by the credit union I belong to. I learned how to save money, build good credit and how to prevent ID theft. I'm pretty excited about the things I've learned. Not to mention, I'm getting 35 bucks for completing the program.
Work on Thursday went really well. I had a dental appointment that afternoon and it went well. After the seminar that evening, I got home and went to Dante's for a Cider. Some dude played a cover of Ryan Adams song, which was pretty cool. I love the lyric "Take me out, fuck me up, steal all my records..." It's about heartbreak obviously! At the end of the song, Parris came back to the bar. (I saw him from the corner of my eyes when I got there, but I wasn't there to see him) He apologized for neglecting me this week. After I finished my cider, I watched Parris play pool and went home. I'm not sure why I watched him play pool, I guess I was trying to be nice. Oh I forgot, I met this cute guy name Ian. He works at Spherix too and he was like "which contract you work? I've seen you around..." I told him how I work for the michigan contract and he told me how he works the PA contract. He said to me "I'll see you around soon" (awesome! x 3)
Friday, July 20th - Sunday, July 22nd
Friday night, I went out to Dante's and hung out with Sinead the bartender. She's really awesome. Also another local friend was around. At the bar, we listened to Tito Puente, because I mentioned how I heard latin jazz outside on my walk to the bar. I didn't tell them that I heard it when I walked by Parris' parents's house. His mom was on the porch listening to jazz. We don't know each other at all, but I thought it was cool she was listening to jazz. I just walked by and hummed along to the music. After being at Dante's for a bit, I walked outside and saw all these people lining up for the last Harry Potter book. I forgot that Main Street Books was doing a party for the release. I saw some cute kids dressed as wizards. I thought maybe Parris would want to do a late night donut run. I noticed his lights were on, so I stopped by. Bad choice. He was still in a bad mood. He explained to me as to why he's been staying away. I didn't want him to think that I didn't care anymore which is why I've checked up on him every so many days. We came to an understanding. Almost got into a fight. He started to sound firm with me and then I got a bit hateful and fired back at him. I wasn't in the mood. I was desperate to hang out with any of my friends. He knew that too. He noticed I was getting upset and then he put his arms around me and told me that he'll come to get me when he is ready to be around people again. So yeah, great, I have nobody in Frostburg now. Not just that, but I have no one to celebrate my birthday with. (My mother is working both jobs on my birthday and my sister is going to be busy, so seriously, I have nobody!) After talking to Parris, I just went home and went to sleep.
Saturday was empty as far as I can remember about yesterday. I did go out to the Draft Zone and I had a drink. It was just a fruity soda thing. It was nice to chill with a few people though. I went home around 1 am. I've felt a bit sad about things. I'm trying to work past though emotions. I just have this dwelling emptiness.
As for today, I watched In the Name of the Father, which was great to watch. I needed something to lose myself in. The emotions in that are intense. I read some things on the net about Gerry Conlon, the guy who is played by Daniel Day-Lewis. The poor guy is still having issues with being traumatized even though he's been free since 1989. I watched the movie thinking about how I wish I could reach out to him. He has real issues. I'm not sure if I really do. but then again, I've been falsely accused of some pretty heinus shit too. (long story about that, but I got my innocence back thank god) But unlike him, I never went to jail and I never lost 15 years of my life. One thing that is true, everyone has their own crosses to bear. We all have our own issues to solve and to face. Perhaps that is what makes us all human.
After I was done watching the movie, my friend Andy showed up at my house. It was nice to see him, but he seemed distant. I think he's doing drugs again. It's his choice but it would explain why I never see him. We used to be close and now, I'm lucky if I see him every 6 months and it's not like he lives far away either. I am thankful I saw him, but it wasn't like old times, which was sad. We didn't do anything fun either. Oh well, I still love him like a brother I guess.
If you've made it down to here, thank you for reading. I didn't mean to not update for so long. I wanted to document everything though. I look at this blog/journal as my way of keeping track of everything in my life. Or atleast the past 3 years of my life. I've been doing a lot of reflection on my life. tomorrow for my birthday, after work, I'm going to see my therapist for the first time since I graduated high school. It shall be interesting.