are we alive and are we here?
God, don't you just ever feel that you're not living life the way it needs to be lived? I feel like apathy is taking me over and I'm lying to everyone and myself. But sometimes it just feels good not to be bothered by anything and just fall into the mindlessness, where everyone's iniquities and all the world's injustices are just facts of life and you're just a person and that's that, so you might as well shut the hell up and go on your way. But I can't be that person. Something's pulling at me, but I don't know how to answer it. I hope, I shake my head, I grit my teeth, I palm my head.
I just want to turn my fucking brain off because this standard I'm always measuring myself against will never be achieved and I'll always go back to the same old thing. I haven't felt so divorced from my own element in a while. I just want what I do to matter and I want to avoid the spirit of the world, but it breathes through me. This fucking shit storm of apathy and hedonism breathes through me and it wants me to feel like everyone else. It wants to put me to sleep.
This is like a fucking game that I just can't win. I can't win it.
I just want to turn my fucking brain off because this standard I'm always measuring myself against will never be achieved and I'll always go back to the same old thing. I haven't felt so divorced from my own element in a while. I just want what I do to matter and I want to avoid the spirit of the world, but it breathes through me. This fucking shit storm of apathy and hedonism breathes through me and it wants me to feel like everyone else. It wants to put me to sleep.
This is like a fucking game that I just can't win. I can't win it.