(no subject)
I came really close to quitting my research position yesterday, after spending 4 unsuccessful hours in Gelman. At one point, I realized that one of my sources was no longer reliable, because it mentioned that 11.5 million children under age 5 were vaccinated during the July 2001 National Immunization Day. Wow, 11.5 million kids--that's a whole lot of kids, I thought to myself...a whole lot...I wonder what percentage of children that is. So, I looked at the World Health Organization's data and discovered that the DRC only had like 9.8 million children under age 5 in 2001. So yeah, that sucked. Another dead end. And I couldn't find any other information telling me why these national immunization days were successful.
Then I received a phone call from a really good friend here basically yelling at me for not hanging out with her. And the thing was, she was right to do so because I hadn't really been a good friend to her, or anyone else for that matter. And it's because I've been feeling really busy and stretched too thin but also just...mechanical...like I'm mostly going through the motions. So yeah, I got off the phone and just really wanted to cry, but there was 4 people in my room, so I decided to go on a walk.
So I walked around campus for a while and then found myself outside of Matt's dorm, so I called him up and asked him if he was in the mood for a walk, which he was. So we ended up going to the World War II memorial, which is absolutely beautiful at night and just talking about our respecive research and how it's really cool and exciting but also how we feel so incredibly unqualified. And then we walked to the Lincoln and talked some more. Eventually, we got to a bench somewhere near the WWII memorial and sat down for probably close to 2 hours and just...talked about everything.
He said that he was really sorry that we had kind of lost touch over the years, because I was one of the most genuine people he had ever met, but that it was kind of difficult to incorporate me into his social group after he started dating Jinny because she didn't like me, and (this was news to me) felt really threatened by me and our friendship and that sometimes she was impossible to deal with because she got so emotional and irrational.
And I can't believe I did this, but I defended her. I may or may not have started crying while explaining this to him, but I was like, "Matt, looked I genuinely hated Jinny for a long time for cheating on you in Russia, for the way she treated me in Russia, and for basically preventing me from being friends with you...but I also can understand why she didn't like me. Girls just get vibes from each other and we when we feel insanely jealous...there is probably something that you aren't seeing. And she basically had a legitmate reason to feel that way towards me, and I'm sorry to both of you for not respecting your relationship more...but having been in a similar situation, I just want to tell you right now that if you're happy, I'm really happy for you, and that regardless of whether Jinny will ever believe this, I really respect what you have and have worked so hard for, and will never do ANYTHING to get in between that."
And I thought he would get really awkward and be like...uh, great...but he was like, "Thank you so much...that really means a lot to me. And I've tried to explain to her several times that you're a really cool person but she just freaks out at me...she moved around a lot as a kid and she's lost a lot of people in her life and I think she's just afraid of losing me."
Yeah. Totally lost it.
"I know it can be difficult, but try not to get too upset by her irrationality," I found myself saying despite myself. "And whatever you do, don't try to defend me...I guarantee you it's the last thing she wants to hear and it will only make things worse. But don't lie to her, either, because that hurts more than anything else because it shows that you don't repsect her enough to be open with her. Tell her everything and remind her why she is special to you...remind her that she is irreplacable."
"Ok, time to drink!" I decided, getting off the bench and walking back to campus. Perlman followed, we had a funny conversation about how eye contact is the most awkward thing ever and should be frowned upon in every culture, and met up again in a little while to go to the black cat with some other friends.
While I was in the shower, I replayed our conversation and laughed to myself, thinking about how 11th grade Disha would react if she had known what I had just told him. But I also smiled because I knew that I was going to keep my promise because 3 years later, I know what it's like to look at someone in the eye and feel an overwhelming sense of love for them but also be incredibly worried that something or someone has the potential to take that away from you...and worse, that someone else is spending their time thinking of ways to do just that.
The rest of the night was really fun! Brit Pop dance night was great!! There was great music, good friends, and of course, amazing dance moves (mostly contributed by yours truly)! Hahaha, there was this one guy that I started talking to and I thought he was interested in me but apparently he was really interested in Maggie, which was a little disappointing. And I guess Perlman could tell that I was a little bummed because he came up to me and started doing the funniest dance moves I have ever seen.
Then I received a phone call from a really good friend here basically yelling at me for not hanging out with her. And the thing was, she was right to do so because I hadn't really been a good friend to her, or anyone else for that matter. And it's because I've been feeling really busy and stretched too thin but also just...mechanical...like I'm mostly going through the motions. So yeah, I got off the phone and just really wanted to cry, but there was 4 people in my room, so I decided to go on a walk.
So I walked around campus for a while and then found myself outside of Matt's dorm, so I called him up and asked him if he was in the mood for a walk, which he was. So we ended up going to the World War II memorial, which is absolutely beautiful at night and just talking about our respecive research and how it's really cool and exciting but also how we feel so incredibly unqualified. And then we walked to the Lincoln and talked some more. Eventually, we got to a bench somewhere near the WWII memorial and sat down for probably close to 2 hours and just...talked about everything.
He said that he was really sorry that we had kind of lost touch over the years, because I was one of the most genuine people he had ever met, but that it was kind of difficult to incorporate me into his social group after he started dating Jinny because she didn't like me, and (this was news to me) felt really threatened by me and our friendship and that sometimes she was impossible to deal with because she got so emotional and irrational.
And I can't believe I did this, but I defended her. I may or may not have started crying while explaining this to him, but I was like, "Matt, looked I genuinely hated Jinny for a long time for cheating on you in Russia, for the way she treated me in Russia, and for basically preventing me from being friends with you...but I also can understand why she didn't like me. Girls just get vibes from each other and we when we feel insanely jealous...there is probably something that you aren't seeing. And she basically had a legitmate reason to feel that way towards me, and I'm sorry to both of you for not respecting your relationship more...but having been in a similar situation, I just want to tell you right now that if you're happy, I'm really happy for you, and that regardless of whether Jinny will ever believe this, I really respect what you have and have worked so hard for, and will never do ANYTHING to get in between that."
And I thought he would get really awkward and be like...uh, great...but he was like, "Thank you so much...that really means a lot to me. And I've tried to explain to her several times that you're a really cool person but she just freaks out at me...she moved around a lot as a kid and she's lost a lot of people in her life and I think she's just afraid of losing me."
Yeah. Totally lost it.
"I know it can be difficult, but try not to get too upset by her irrationality," I found myself saying despite myself. "And whatever you do, don't try to defend me...I guarantee you it's the last thing she wants to hear and it will only make things worse. But don't lie to her, either, because that hurts more than anything else because it shows that you don't repsect her enough to be open with her. Tell her everything and remind her why she is special to you...remind her that she is irreplacable."
"Ok, time to drink!" I decided, getting off the bench and walking back to campus. Perlman followed, we had a funny conversation about how eye contact is the most awkward thing ever and should be frowned upon in every culture, and met up again in a little while to go to the black cat with some other friends.
While I was in the shower, I replayed our conversation and laughed to myself, thinking about how 11th grade Disha would react if she had known what I had just told him. But I also smiled because I knew that I was going to keep my promise because 3 years later, I know what it's like to look at someone in the eye and feel an overwhelming sense of love for them but also be incredibly worried that something or someone has the potential to take that away from you...and worse, that someone else is spending their time thinking of ways to do just that.
The rest of the night was really fun! Brit Pop dance night was great!! There was great music, good friends, and of course, amazing dance moves (mostly contributed by yours truly)! Hahaha, there was this one guy that I started talking to and I thought he was interested in me but apparently he was really interested in Maggie, which was a little disappointing. And I guess Perlman could tell that I was a little bummed because he came up to me and started doing the funniest dance moves I have ever seen.