Faking it
Today I felt like a fake.
Even before I walked out of the door.
Even before I had gotten dressed.
As I was pulling my compression shirt over my head I knew that something wasn't right.
I just felt so fake today.
I felt like a girl.
I felt like a girl trying to be a boy.
Not a genderqueer.
Not a transgender.
Not a boy.
A girl.
I thought it again while I was sitting at tech tonight.
I was sitting in the ASM chair on Stage Left and I looked down at my jeans for some reason and I thought it again.
I just didn't feel like I passed at all today, and I hated it.
And normally if people call me "miss" or "ma'am" or something I feel like I don't pass.
And it wasn't even that.
It was just the way I looked at myself today.
Maybe tommorow will be better.
Tommorow has to be better.
I don't know how much lower I can sink without ever having the possiblity to get back up.
Even before I walked out of the door.
Even before I had gotten dressed.
As I was pulling my compression shirt over my head I knew that something wasn't right.
I just felt so fake today.
I felt like a girl.
I felt like a girl trying to be a boy.
Not a genderqueer.
Not a transgender.
Not a boy.
A girl.
I thought it again while I was sitting at tech tonight.
I was sitting in the ASM chair on Stage Left and I looked down at my jeans for some reason and I thought it again.
I just didn't feel like I passed at all today, and I hated it.
And normally if people call me "miss" or "ma'am" or something I feel like I don't pass.
And it wasn't even that.
It was just the way I looked at myself today.
Maybe tommorow will be better.
Tommorow has to be better.
I don't know how much lower I can sink without ever having the possiblity to get back up.