In which I talk way too much about Pierce Brosnan as James Bond, abuse italics.
So I'm watching The World Is Not Enough, which is arguably the second shittiest Bond film that Pierce Brosnan ever did. (Die Another Day is worthy of endless, endless derision, in my humble opinion.)
Brosnan could have been such an epic Bond. I mean, when he's not quipping off really shiteous puns and unconvincingly ogling skinny bitches*, he's doing action sequences. And with those, he's great. He gives you the definite impression that he's exerting, that he's not the super strong guy and that to beat him, he's gonna need more than his share of luck. He's not afraid to make an ugly face, to look not sexy for that moment that he's lifting something heavy, or taking a punch to the gut, or running for his goddamn life because something is exploding behind him and his laser watch just isn't doing the job right now.
I also think that he did the sniper scope opening the sexiest, with the exception of the Daniel Craig Bond's reinvention of it, which doesn't truly count.
But they underutilized Brosnan, I think. They fed him some recycled, oversexed Roger Moore schlock. It's a natural progression that the next Bond, the current Bond, should be such a departure from the martini-and-tuxedo-double-entendre routine. It's practically a backlash.
But the reason I bring this up is because of the atrocious, absolutely vomitous pun at the very tail end of this particular Bond adventure. First of all, I know the film is now 10 years old (!!!), but even then, I had a terrible time investing myself in Denise Richards as a Bond girl. That the idea is nearly preposterous now is one thing, but really, her? She plays a nuclear something-or-other expert who just happens to seem to know just enough scientific information to inform the audience of the situation's severity, but nothing else that might allow her to do anything.
Second of all, her character's name Christmas Jones. She was named entirely as a set up for this atrocious joke. Are you ready for it? You're not, but here it is, so brace yourself. This is said by Bond in the apparent afterglow of PG-13 movie sex.
"I thought Christmas only came once a year."
*cleans up fresh round of vomit*
Why this joke sticks with me is because of this: 10 years ago (!!!), I saw this movie in theaters with a boy who was stupidly fond of me. Since Bond movies come out in November, I like to see them for my birthday. When this joke landed in my 14 year old lap ... I didn't get it. I didn't know enough about sex at all, let alone sexual slang and common terminology. I honestly, sincerely thought she meant she'd only come over to visit him once a year, like he eponymous holiday.
I take the moment that I got that joke as being indicative as the beginning of the end of my innocence. To say nothing of my low, low tolerance for punny language.
*Why is Pierce Brosnan so terrible at playing attracted to his female co-stars? I think he's a man who has come to appreciate a woman with curves and some meat on her bones. I really do. I should have been his Bond girl.
Brosnan could have been such an epic Bond. I mean, when he's not quipping off really shiteous puns and unconvincingly ogling skinny bitches*, he's doing action sequences. And with those, he's great. He gives you the definite impression that he's exerting, that he's not the super strong guy and that to beat him, he's gonna need more than his share of luck. He's not afraid to make an ugly face, to look not sexy for that moment that he's lifting something heavy, or taking a punch to the gut, or running for his goddamn life because something is exploding behind him and his laser watch just isn't doing the job right now.
I also think that he did the sniper scope opening the sexiest, with the exception of the Daniel Craig Bond's reinvention of it, which doesn't truly count.
But they underutilized Brosnan, I think. They fed him some recycled, oversexed Roger Moore schlock. It's a natural progression that the next Bond, the current Bond, should be such a departure from the martini-and-tuxedo-double-entendre routine. It's practically a backlash.
But the reason I bring this up is because of the atrocious, absolutely vomitous pun at the very tail end of this particular Bond adventure. First of all, I know the film is now 10 years old (!!!), but even then, I had a terrible time investing myself in Denise Richards as a Bond girl. That the idea is nearly preposterous now is one thing, but really, her? She plays a nuclear something-or-other expert who just happens to seem to know just enough scientific information to inform the audience of the situation's severity, but nothing else that might allow her to do anything.
Second of all, her character's name Christmas Jones. She was named entirely as a set up for this atrocious joke. Are you ready for it? You're not, but here it is, so brace yourself. This is said by Bond in the apparent afterglow of PG-13 movie sex.
"I thought Christmas only came once a year."
*cleans up fresh round of vomit*
Why this joke sticks with me is because of this: 10 years ago (!!!), I saw this movie in theaters with a boy who was stupidly fond of me. Since Bond movies come out in November, I like to see them for my birthday. When this joke landed in my 14 year old lap ... I didn't get it. I didn't know enough about sex at all, let alone sexual slang and common terminology. I honestly, sincerely thought she meant she'd only come over to visit him once a year, like he eponymous holiday.
I take the moment that I got that joke as being indicative as the beginning of the end of my innocence. To say nothing of my low, low tolerance for punny language.
*Why is Pierce Brosnan so terrible at playing attracted to his female co-stars? I think he's a man who has come to appreciate a woman with curves and some meat on her bones. I really do. I should have been his Bond girl.