Progression vs Instant Gratification
For the first time, after all the places
my decisions have taken me, I feel I
have finally understood the difference
between instant gratification, and a
decision made with the fore-thought
of a good investment.
Soon to come - entry about my latest
visit with my beloved Moriah <3
Actually going forward
...and the Human factor.
From all my decisions I've made in my adult life thus far, experience has finally
granted me the wisdom.... rather, I've allowed myself to be open to learn and
accept the wisdom the follow through of my decisions had to teach me.
The difference between the reality and gravity of a situation, and of coating
it with so much sugar you can't taste the actual product of your labor, ruining
it entirely, and endangering your health. Of sinking vs swimming, and knowing
when trying to save someone from drowning will only sink you both.
Without any further need of examples, I've obviously learned a lot within a short
amount of time. Or perhaps it's finally caught up with me, especially after my
recent trip to see the woman with whom I am most enamoured and actually
feel right with for a future with someone who doesn't emotionally compromise
me, but enhances me - my Moriah <3
Long story condensed, ever since I helped Sunny move to Boulder, CO August last
year, it helped me acknowledge the difference between the feeling of knowing I will
come to know a place as "home" or at least where I'll be spending a lot of time, a
place that is only meant to visit, and a place wherein I like the idea so much it only
clouds my judgment of a failed attempt at making it work.
"And fighting time so hard I pray
That this moment lasts forever
And will the world stay standing still
At least for me.
Through my eyes stare into me
I bear my heart for all to see
With my face turned to the sun
There ever standing still
And fighting time so much I ask
I will this moment last forever
Though seasons change and things come to pass
Remain inside of me...
I had no faith before that time
In any vow or deed.
Days followed days and
Years were meaningless.
Despite the wisdom of defeat
I bore my heart for all to see
The wonders I'd seen...
The wonders I'd seen..."
While I never wanted to live in Houston, or the Rio Grand Valley in the bum-fuck
bottom of Texas 30 miles from the Mexico border, or back in shitty FL... the
feeling was the same. I don't know how else to describe it except as a "knowing"
that I would come to know it by constant exposure. I wouldn't exactly go so far
as to describe it as any psychic phenomenon, but it does go beyond any real
explanation under science to define it other than being a Human factor that
connects us to the land in which we dwell; or will dwell in this case.
Whatever it is, it gave me the same feeling of knowing I would
have it in my future... and lo and behold, I did...
however brief the time.
I believe, following my self-promise of listening more often to my instinct, I have
refined this a bit, exploring the depths of the feeling to distinguish what each
means. It is by no means solely reliant on this instinct, for I've made and learned
from that mistake as well. I combine it with what I've learned makes a better long-
-term investment, as opposed to instant gratification doomed to be short-lived,
however great in the interim.
Ever since my first visit to NJ, when I first met Moriah and saw her home, I knew
I would be spending more time there... but in a different way. I really can't describe
it beyond knowing I felt a difference. The very same with each time we've gone to
Philadelphia. While I am very fond of these places, and I felt I would see them
again and again, nothing had a feeling of permanency. Unlike forming an opinion
based on potential biased preconceived notions before the experience, the feeling
is something... separate of opinion. It is beyond. It is within the pure realm of a
cleared, concentrated state of mind, open to sense for what something is, as
opposed to just finding a box to mold and fit it into according to my mind and
all that I know, and instead to add to the unknown to be explored.
While I very much wanted to find a way to be closer to Moriah, so we wouldn't have
to wait months to see each other, it is, unfortunately, only good for the short-run,
rather than a longer-term plan to actually make a life together, independently and
sharing support on our own. Especially not after talking with our friend Joseph
about the cost of living and potential to move up where he lives. The more I con-
sidered logically about the situation, the more it seemed against rather than work-
ing in favor of a future beyond the benefits; the situation would most likely tear us
asunder, no matter how magnificent our bond - which it truly is <3
Even as I drove Moriah's car, crossing over from NJ to DE to MD, I kept my mind
open to explore a new place, taking in all I could. While I could admire its hidden
treasure beauty, it simply didn't have the feeling of a place that would hold have
that feeling of knowing it as more than to visit.
This gave me reason to put more weight onto the original CO idea side of the scales.
The more weight I put upon it, especially after speaking with Sunny and Liz, the more
I could see it working, on top of the already "home" feeling I've had of Boulder since
August; which I had not previously felt while living in Denver... which I've come to
recognize as a sign a place isn't meant to work... or at least not at the time, as it
ended while living with Zac.
For many reasons I will not divulge details out of respect, I see long-standing closest
friends who took the more stable route to moving as a much better long-term investment
reciprocally on all sides; toward happiness, mutual support, and a foreseeable future.
"Stand before the gates and watch metropolis
Empires come and go we live forever
And eternity is in your hidden eyes
Take my broken wings teach me to fly again
I stand alone
We stand alone
Down the empty streets head for the seven hills
Vestal virgins dance we steal the fire
Battered columns stand as silent monuments
Deep inside their dreams I see your memories
I stand alone
We stand alone
We share the last champagne and watch necropolis
still and so let's leave her to her silent walks
The sun of Rome is set and our day is gone
A kiss a taste of red from your open lips
I stand alone
We stand alone..."
-=Covenant - Stand Alone=-
Not just hope, but confidence is,
for the first time in a long time,
reborn within.
my decisions have taken me, I feel I
have finally understood the difference
between instant gratification, and a
decision made with the fore-thought
of a good investment.
Soon to come - entry about my latest
visit with my beloved Moriah <3
Actually going forward
...and the Human factor.
From all my decisions I've made in my adult life thus far, experience has finally
granted me the wisdom.... rather, I've allowed myself to be open to learn and
accept the wisdom the follow through of my decisions had to teach me.
The difference between the reality and gravity of a situation, and of coating
it with so much sugar you can't taste the actual product of your labor, ruining
it entirely, and endangering your health. Of sinking vs swimming, and knowing
when trying to save someone from drowning will only sink you both.
Without any further need of examples, I've obviously learned a lot within a short
amount of time. Or perhaps it's finally caught up with me, especially after my
recent trip to see the woman with whom I am most enamoured and actually
feel right with for a future with someone who doesn't emotionally compromise
me, but enhances me - my Moriah <3
Long story condensed, ever since I helped Sunny move to Boulder, CO August last
year, it helped me acknowledge the difference between the feeling of knowing I will
come to know a place as "home" or at least where I'll be spending a lot of time, a
place that is only meant to visit, and a place wherein I like the idea so much it only
clouds my judgment of a failed attempt at making it work.
Click to view"And fighting time so hard I pray
That this moment lasts forever
And will the world stay standing still
At least for me.
Through my eyes stare into me
I bear my heart for all to see
With my face turned to the sun
There ever standing still
And fighting time so much I ask
I will this moment last forever
Though seasons change and things come to pass
Remain inside of me...
I had no faith before that time
In any vow or deed.
Days followed days and
Years were meaningless.
Despite the wisdom of defeat
I bore my heart for all to see
The wonders I'd seen...
The wonders I'd seen..."
While I never wanted to live in Houston, or the Rio Grand Valley in the bum-fuck
bottom of Texas 30 miles from the Mexico border, or back in shitty FL... the
feeling was the same. I don't know how else to describe it except as a "knowing"
that I would come to know it by constant exposure. I wouldn't exactly go so far
as to describe it as any psychic phenomenon, but it does go beyond any real
explanation under science to define it other than being a Human factor that
connects us to the land in which we dwell; or will dwell in this case.
Whatever it is, it gave me the same feeling of knowing I would
have it in my future... and lo and behold, I did...
however brief the time.
I believe, following my self-promise of listening more often to my instinct, I have
refined this a bit, exploring the depths of the feeling to distinguish what each
means. It is by no means solely reliant on this instinct, for I've made and learned
from that mistake as well. I combine it with what I've learned makes a better long-
-term investment, as opposed to instant gratification doomed to be short-lived,
however great in the interim.
Ever since my first visit to NJ, when I first met Moriah and saw her home, I knew
I would be spending more time there... but in a different way. I really can't describe
it beyond knowing I felt a difference. The very same with each time we've gone to
Philadelphia. While I am very fond of these places, and I felt I would see them
again and again, nothing had a feeling of permanency. Unlike forming an opinion
based on potential biased preconceived notions before the experience, the feeling
is something... separate of opinion. It is beyond. It is within the pure realm of a
cleared, concentrated state of mind, open to sense for what something is, as
opposed to just finding a box to mold and fit it into according to my mind and
all that I know, and instead to add to the unknown to be explored.
While I very much wanted to find a way to be closer to Moriah, so we wouldn't have
to wait months to see each other, it is, unfortunately, only good for the short-run,
rather than a longer-term plan to actually make a life together, independently and
sharing support on our own. Especially not after talking with our friend Joseph
about the cost of living and potential to move up where he lives. The more I con-
sidered logically about the situation, the more it seemed against rather than work-
ing in favor of a future beyond the benefits; the situation would most likely tear us
asunder, no matter how magnificent our bond - which it truly is <3
Even as I drove Moriah's car, crossing over from NJ to DE to MD, I kept my mind
open to explore a new place, taking in all I could. While I could admire its hidden
treasure beauty, it simply didn't have the feeling of a place that would hold have
that feeling of knowing it as more than to visit.
This gave me reason to put more weight onto the original CO idea side of the scales.
The more weight I put upon it, especially after speaking with Sunny and Liz, the more
I could see it working, on top of the already "home" feeling I've had of Boulder since
August; which I had not previously felt while living in Denver... which I've come to
recognize as a sign a place isn't meant to work... or at least not at the time, as it
ended while living with Zac.
For many reasons I will not divulge details out of respect, I see long-standing closest
friends who took the more stable route to moving as a much better long-term investment
reciprocally on all sides; toward happiness, mutual support, and a foreseeable future.
"Stand before the gates and watch metropolis
Empires come and go we live forever
And eternity is in your hidden eyes
Take my broken wings teach me to fly again
I stand alone
We stand alone
Down the empty streets head for the seven hills
Vestal virgins dance we steal the fire
Battered columns stand as silent monuments
Deep inside their dreams I see your memories
I stand alone
We stand alone
We share the last champagne and watch necropolis
still and so let's leave her to her silent walks
The sun of Rome is set and our day is gone
A kiss a taste of red from your open lips
I stand alone
We stand alone..."
-=Covenant - Stand Alone=-
Not just hope, but confidence is,
for the first time in a long time,
reborn within.