(Untitled)

[saffirebleu]

Anna is moving out again. I think it's for good this time.

I am crushed.

This divorce has completely devastated my little family. I feel as if we are broken beyond repair.

I can only keep trying. I can't give up.

Comments

[mybonnykate]

Oh, your beautiful girl. She is strong. She will find her way in the world.

But oh, your shattered mama-heart. You have been too battered by life. It wasn't your fault.

They will circle back into your life. You will have that full, abundant Thanksgiving table, full of children and grandchildren, full of laughter.

[saffirebleu]

I don't know, Kate. I don't feel very hopeful for the future. We are a fractured mess. I feel like I have probably lost Anna emotionally for good. I am just hoping that giving her space--from Abby, from Adam, and even from me--will be the right decision. I had no good choices. Force her to stay because...she's my daughter! I love her! Stay and work through it together! but maybe she will become an adult who resents me because she had the opportunity for something better for her for now, and I wouldn't let it happen. Or let her go, because...she's my daughter! I love her! I want her to be happy! but she will become an adult who resents me because I didn't make her stay to work through it.

There are no easy answers. No easy options. She is very, very depressed. My Anna. My heart!

Shattered mama-heart--what a good description.

[mybonnykate]

So hard. So hard.

I think you are right to let her go, and to keep telling her in every way that you love her enough to let her go, and that you miss her, and that someday you will come back to each other.

[saffirebleu]

I hope you are right.

[popelaksmi]

How old is she now? Where is she going?

[saffirebleu]

She is fifteen. She has been staying with my good friend Rachel off and on for nearly two years. She has a father figure there (Rachel's husband), plus their two children, with whom she gets along fabulously (they are like siblings to her).

xoxo

[mochaberry]

Remind me how old she is, and where is she moving to? Does the last Tag mean that you think she's moving out directly because of you, for some reason? (It's more than OK if these aren't questions you want to answer.)

Re: xoxo

[saffirebleu]

She is fifteen. She's going back to Rachel's.

That last tag...I just feel like they had such a stable life in Indiana, and I pulled the rug out from under them. Even as I acknowledge there was so much more to the divorce than just my mistakes (distance has given me some clarity), I am still carrying so much guilt. So much!

And also because I am having such difficulty controlling Abby and Anna is resentful of that.

I just feel like it is all out of control.

[kattale]

Awww sweetie. I wish I had something to say to make you feel better.

I moved out at 17 because my mum and I clashed so much. It was several months before I finally contacted her - on Mother's Day, and she was so grateful. I did move back for a year, but was for the most part on my own, and I think I did okay. She always supported me through the years, helping with college when I decided to go, and uni later, and I always knew I could count on her even if our personalities clashed.

I think she will be back when her needs are different, when emotions aren't running as high. You are doing your best for her, you really are. The only way you could fail her is to stop being there for her, which you will never do. This is all inside her, how she is coping, and some supportive words would probably leave the door open for her to come back to you (even if it's just emotionally).

[saffirebleu]

She is traumatized over things her dad did, and unhappy since the divorce, and dealing with Abby is so hard for her, and and and...I hate that I have to work and I can't be there to guide them like I used to.

I do support her in her search for stability and I want to meet her needs, and right now I think this is best for her. She won't talk to me about anything, is actually quite cold toward me. I know part of this is the phase in which a teenager begins to pull back from her mother, but the complete emotional shut-out she is giving me is KILLING ME.

[kattale]

You are giving me a really good idea of what I put my mum through, and that is killing ME. *cries with you*

I think you should write a letter, and tell her how much her trials and struggles are heart-hurting you, and how much you love her. Give it to Rachel - Rachel will find a way to get her to read it.

It's a really good thing to support her needs. But it is ESSENTIAL at this moment to establish that her emotional protections and her physical separation won't stop you from loving her from the depths of your mama heart. She needs to know that, in ways I can never explain. Part of this is a test - "If I make decisions for ME, if I shove you away, will you still love me?" TELL HER. In WORDS. Written words that she can revisit.

Let her know that HER hurting means YOU hurting. And that letting her go does not spell the end of your love.

That is so important, I can't even find words.

[saffirebleu]

I am going to write a letter.

[kattale]

Reading your post again...

"I feel as if we are broken beyond repair."

A family is feelings. Distance doesn't break a family, or every family would become broken when their kids move away. Dark emotions don't break a family, or every family would be broken when a member suffers depression. Even emotional guarding doesn't break a family as long as the love keeps flowing underneath.

Your family is hurting, and recovering, and bonding, and learning to be strong. It is not broken, sweetheart.

I'm also thinking, take her for coffee at a regular time, every couple of days, or every day, or every week. Do something dependable for her, something really small that she can (secretly) look forward to. Even if it's stilted - talk about music or clothes or global warming or something. She needs to know you won't let go, even while you're respecting her space.

[saffirebleu]

I've tried that...she refuses to do anything with me. Movie? "I don't feel like it." Out for dinner? "I don't feel well." Out for ice cream? "I'm tired

[kattale]

Oh sweetie

[saffirebleu]

"I konw, because I was her." Seriously, that brought tears. *hug*

I am going to write the letter tonight.

Thank you for helping me process this.