We miss you, Randy Savage...
So, I know it's been over a week since I said I'd do this, but then I went and promised I'd make it special. Being a man of my word I've kept to this, but alas, my arrogance got the better of me. I greatly overestimated my ability to make great heap funny about just anything. My truly special review simply had to wait until I found something I could really tear apart. A mere jab will not suffice for this one. Hokay, enough procrastinationing.
The Slim Jim site (SNAP INTO A SLIM JIM!)
After first opening the site up out of a mixture of curiosity, boredom, and looking at the slim jim box Josh left sitting on my floor, I was initially greeted with this awesome Slim-Jim-shaped loading bar and some interesting xtreme noises. Yells and foley punches, mostly. After loading, I'm greeted with a few links, with a couple smaller ones at the bottom. The ones on the bottom elicit more of the same noises when the mouse is moved over them. Doing this really fast makes it sound like a fight scene from any movie made before 1965. After five minutes of tooling around with stupid noises, I finally find some content.
ABOUT US
"Slim Jim is the high-impact snack that snaps you to the next level."
So after I open the wrapper it's going to wallop me into the afterlife? Or perhaps it hits me into another reality, or merely a higher plane of the current one. Either way, it better make sure to snap me all the way or I'm suing for whiplash. Wait, I got it! It's like that tome you get in Diablo 2 after beating that boss in the sewers of Lut Gholein! You know, the one that killed Atma's husband! All you do is eat a Slim Jim and you level up! Apparently they're after the D&D market, too.
"Whether you're stepping up to the vert ramp or just gawking at Dave Mirra from the comfort of your couch, that solid shot of spicy beef has your back."
Now, I'm not entirely sure what a 'vert ramp' is, but since the rest of the site seems geared towards the X-Games crowd, I assume it has something to do with skateboarding or one of it's derivatives. I'm also not entirely sure how one is to do a shot of beef, short of a blender and lack of a gag reflex. Now, I can't vouch for the people who actually do this, but if I were to tackle something as no-doubt dangerous and stupid as a vert ramp, I most certainly would NOT be doing any shots immediately beforehand. Obviously, Slim Jim wants to thin the xtreme sports herd. Frankly, I wish them luck. Also, I'm not a fighter or anything, but I've seen my share of engagements, and I would not trust any kind of beef with my precious hindquarters, no matter how spicy.
Further investigation revealed this FAQ, which is one of the most entertaining FAQs I've seen in a while. I'll break it down by question/response.
Q: Can I taste Slim Jims over the internet?
A: The technology isn't quite there yet... and we don't recommend licking your computer screen.
I find it difficult to believe that people with enough access to the internet to email them questions would be stupid or ignorant enough to believe said internet capable of flavor-transmitting. I call shenanigans on this question.
Q: How are Slim Jims made?
A: We use our secret recipe including the special Slim Jim spice block to create products that no other company can match.
Hoo boy. No other company has matched these yet, but I'm pretty sure it's on account of nobody else has bothered to figure out how to process meat to the extent Slim Jims are and still technically be able to call it meat. As for their special Slim Jim spice block... Well, I GUESS ketchup is a spice, but only here in Minnesota. These fuckers have about as much kick as a comatose mule. The fucking wrapper probably has more taste. More nutrition, too.
Q: How many Slim Jims do you make each year?
A: 533 million
While some may point fingers and claim this as more proof of American consumerism run rampant, I instead berate Slim Jims for not making more of these little marvels. Only 533 million a year? That's roughly one fifteenth of a Slim Jim per person per year. If you take into account the fact that some greedy bastards might decide to eat a whole one, and that some truly incorrigible individuals will doubtlessly consume MULTIPLE Slim Jims in a given year... That's just not enough high-impact snacks to go around! Hundreds of millions will suffer from the lack of being snapped to the next level! Who knows, all this level-snapping could be the very thing that keeps the Earth rotating at a constant gravity-friendly speed... In that case, Slim Jims for all could be a risky proposal... Ah, for they are wizened...
Q: Can I buy directly from your company?
A: Sorry to let you down, but we can't sell our products directly to consumers.
America, land of opportunity! Where the dollar rules and business comes firts. Thank you, Slim Jim, for elevating simple consumerism to an elaborate system of middlemen and distributors. Truly, you are the Wile E. Coyote of capitalism. Or perhaps Spy Vs. Spy. Those guys rule.
Q: Well then where can I buy Slim Jims?
A: Just about everywhere you buy snacks. Slim Jims are available in most convenience stores, supermarkets, club stores, and specialty drug stores. If your retailer doesn't have a flavor you want, ask the manager to order it for you.
Obviously the Slim Jim gurus, despite being telepathic enough to know exactly where I buy my snacks, are silly enough to suggest we ask a store manager to order something for us. I'm not entirely sure where they shop for their snacks, but at most of the gas stations on the hard streets of St. Paul, the managers aren't exactly what you'd call compliant. Sure, they pretend to listen to complaints, but asking them for anything even remotely close to effort generally results in either silence or anger, and even the occasional blacklisting. However, it IS nice to know that if I ever become diabetic, there will always be Slim Jims waiting for me when I go to buy my insulin.
Q: What is the proper etiquette for sharing a Slim Jim?
A: 25-50% to a good friend in need
50% to the girl who just smiled at you
100% to anyone who can get you into the MTV beach house.
Ah yes, so my best friend in all the world is dying of starvation, and all it would take is a Slim Jim to keep him alive until we reach civilization, and I'm only supposed to give him a quarter of it? Even more disturbing, they suggest giving half to a girl just for smiling at me. Not only is this a total violation of the bros before hos rule, it's also a horrible trade. What, I'm trading half my Slim Jim for a smile? Fucker cost me a dollar twenty-five! That bitch better come through with a lot more than a smile if she wants half of my Slim Jim.
Q: What is the shelf life of Slim Jims?
A: Slim Jims usually aren't around long enough to enjoy a "shelf life," but if you do find one stuffed back behind the cushions, check the sell-by date that is stamped on each product. We recommend snapping in by that date.
First of all, if that business about tasting Slim Jims online was shenanigans, this is just pure bullshit. I swear, if these things don't come pre-aged at least a year or two, then distributors must all have secret underground Slim Jim humidors where they age them like a fine wine, or maybe that box of baking soda everyone keeps in their fridge. And what's all this about 'snapping in?' Did we suddenly stumble into an episode of Megaman NT Warrior? Wait, that's 'jacking in,' although now that I think about it, 'snapping' would work a lot better. A LOT. I do admire their dedication to coming across as universally tasty as possible, though. Most companies wouldn't think to put allusions to their product's irresistable taste in the depths of their website FAQ.
Q: What is "mechanically separated chicken?"
And what is it doing in spicy BEEF snacks? What, are they afraid they'll run out of cows, so they have to supplement with chicken? There must be a cow shortage! And, and what happens when they run out of cows and have to supplement the chicken with soilent green? And then, when they run out of chickens, we'll all be eating people! Wait, how do we know we're not ALREADY? And Charlton Heston won't be able to protect us forever! SLIM JIMS ARE MADE OF PEOPLE!
Q: Can I enter a Slim Jim eating contest?
A: As of right now there is no official competetive circuit. We've always considered eating Slim Jims to be a more personal activity, free from the pressure of competition. Remember, everyone's a winner once the plastic peels off that beefy, spicy stick.
Wow. That is, hands down, the single best response to a made-up faq question I've ever seen. However, I refuse to believe that there isn't an official competetive Slim Jim eating circuit alive and well somewhere in the white trash Wal Mart towns of the country. As for that incredibly disturbing last sentence, well, the only real appropriate response is 'That's what she said,' although I hate people who do that shit, so I guess I'll refrain. I'm just that fucking classy.
12 out of 13! Best FAQ ever! The only point they lost was from not still having the Macho Man do their commercials. *Sniff*
The Slim Jim site (SNAP INTO A SLIM JIM!)
After first opening the site up out of a mixture of curiosity, boredom, and looking at the slim jim box Josh left sitting on my floor, I was initially greeted with this awesome Slim-Jim-shaped loading bar and some interesting xtreme noises. Yells and foley punches, mostly. After loading, I'm greeted with a few links, with a couple smaller ones at the bottom. The ones on the bottom elicit more of the same noises when the mouse is moved over them. Doing this really fast makes it sound like a fight scene from any movie made before 1965. After five minutes of tooling around with stupid noises, I finally find some content.
ABOUT US
"Slim Jim is the high-impact snack that snaps you to the next level."
So after I open the wrapper it's going to wallop me into the afterlife? Or perhaps it hits me into another reality, or merely a higher plane of the current one. Either way, it better make sure to snap me all the way or I'm suing for whiplash. Wait, I got it! It's like that tome you get in Diablo 2 after beating that boss in the sewers of Lut Gholein! You know, the one that killed Atma's husband! All you do is eat a Slim Jim and you level up! Apparently they're after the D&D market, too.
"Whether you're stepping up to the vert ramp or just gawking at Dave Mirra from the comfort of your couch, that solid shot of spicy beef has your back."
Now, I'm not entirely sure what a 'vert ramp' is, but since the rest of the site seems geared towards the X-Games crowd, I assume it has something to do with skateboarding or one of it's derivatives. I'm also not entirely sure how one is to do a shot of beef, short of a blender and lack of a gag reflex. Now, I can't vouch for the people who actually do this, but if I were to tackle something as no-doubt dangerous and stupid as a vert ramp, I most certainly would NOT be doing any shots immediately beforehand. Obviously, Slim Jim wants to thin the xtreme sports herd. Frankly, I wish them luck. Also, I'm not a fighter or anything, but I've seen my share of engagements, and I would not trust any kind of beef with my precious hindquarters, no matter how spicy.
Further investigation revealed this FAQ, which is one of the most entertaining FAQs I've seen in a while. I'll break it down by question/response.
Q: Can I taste Slim Jims over the internet?
A: The technology isn't quite there yet... and we don't recommend licking your computer screen.
I find it difficult to believe that people with enough access to the internet to email them questions would be stupid or ignorant enough to believe said internet capable of flavor-transmitting. I call shenanigans on this question.
Q: How are Slim Jims made?
A: We use our secret recipe including the special Slim Jim spice block to create products that no other company can match.
Hoo boy. No other company has matched these yet, but I'm pretty sure it's on account of nobody else has bothered to figure out how to process meat to the extent Slim Jims are and still technically be able to call it meat. As for their special Slim Jim spice block... Well, I GUESS ketchup is a spice, but only here in Minnesota. These fuckers have about as much kick as a comatose mule. The fucking wrapper probably has more taste. More nutrition, too.
Q: How many Slim Jims do you make each year?
A: 533 million
While some may point fingers and claim this as more proof of American consumerism run rampant, I instead berate Slim Jims for not making more of these little marvels. Only 533 million a year? That's roughly one fifteenth of a Slim Jim per person per year. If you take into account the fact that some greedy bastards might decide to eat a whole one, and that some truly incorrigible individuals will doubtlessly consume MULTIPLE Slim Jims in a given year... That's just not enough high-impact snacks to go around! Hundreds of millions will suffer from the lack of being snapped to the next level! Who knows, all this level-snapping could be the very thing that keeps the Earth rotating at a constant gravity-friendly speed... In that case, Slim Jims for all could be a risky proposal... Ah, for they are wizened...
Q: Can I buy directly from your company?
A: Sorry to let you down, but we can't sell our products directly to consumers.
America, land of opportunity! Where the dollar rules and business comes firts. Thank you, Slim Jim, for elevating simple consumerism to an elaborate system of middlemen and distributors. Truly, you are the Wile E. Coyote of capitalism. Or perhaps Spy Vs. Spy. Those guys rule.
Q: Well then where can I buy Slim Jims?
A: Just about everywhere you buy snacks. Slim Jims are available in most convenience stores, supermarkets, club stores, and specialty drug stores. If your retailer doesn't have a flavor you want, ask the manager to order it for you.
Obviously the Slim Jim gurus, despite being telepathic enough to know exactly where I buy my snacks, are silly enough to suggest we ask a store manager to order something for us. I'm not entirely sure where they shop for their snacks, but at most of the gas stations on the hard streets of St. Paul, the managers aren't exactly what you'd call compliant. Sure, they pretend to listen to complaints, but asking them for anything even remotely close to effort generally results in either silence or anger, and even the occasional blacklisting. However, it IS nice to know that if I ever become diabetic, there will always be Slim Jims waiting for me when I go to buy my insulin.
Q: What is the proper etiquette for sharing a Slim Jim?
A: 25-50% to a good friend in need
50% to the girl who just smiled at you
100% to anyone who can get you into the MTV beach house.
Ah yes, so my best friend in all the world is dying of starvation, and all it would take is a Slim Jim to keep him alive until we reach civilization, and I'm only supposed to give him a quarter of it? Even more disturbing, they suggest giving half to a girl just for smiling at me. Not only is this a total violation of the bros before hos rule, it's also a horrible trade. What, I'm trading half my Slim Jim for a smile? Fucker cost me a dollar twenty-five! That bitch better come through with a lot more than a smile if she wants half of my Slim Jim.
Q: What is the shelf life of Slim Jims?
A: Slim Jims usually aren't around long enough to enjoy a "shelf life," but if you do find one stuffed back behind the cushions, check the sell-by date that is stamped on each product. We recommend snapping in by that date.
First of all, if that business about tasting Slim Jims online was shenanigans, this is just pure bullshit. I swear, if these things don't come pre-aged at least a year or two, then distributors must all have secret underground Slim Jim humidors where they age them like a fine wine, or maybe that box of baking soda everyone keeps in their fridge. And what's all this about 'snapping in?' Did we suddenly stumble into an episode of Megaman NT Warrior? Wait, that's 'jacking in,' although now that I think about it, 'snapping' would work a lot better. A LOT. I do admire their dedication to coming across as universally tasty as possible, though. Most companies wouldn't think to put allusions to their product's irresistable taste in the depths of their website FAQ.
Q: What is "mechanically separated chicken?"
And what is it doing in spicy BEEF snacks? What, are they afraid they'll run out of cows, so they have to supplement with chicken? There must be a cow shortage! And, and what happens when they run out of cows and have to supplement the chicken with soilent green? And then, when they run out of chickens, we'll all be eating people! Wait, how do we know we're not ALREADY? And Charlton Heston won't be able to protect us forever! SLIM JIMS ARE MADE OF PEOPLE!
Q: Can I enter a Slim Jim eating contest?
A: As of right now there is no official competetive circuit. We've always considered eating Slim Jims to be a more personal activity, free from the pressure of competition. Remember, everyone's a winner once the plastic peels off that beefy, spicy stick.
Wow. That is, hands down, the single best response to a made-up faq question I've ever seen. However, I refuse to believe that there isn't an official competetive Slim Jim eating circuit alive and well somewhere in the white trash Wal Mart towns of the country. As for that incredibly disturbing last sentence, well, the only real appropriate response is 'That's what she said,' although I hate people who do that shit, so I guess I'll refrain. I'm just that fucking classy.
12 out of 13! Best FAQ ever! The only point they lost was from not still having the Macho Man do their commercials. *Sniff*