4:44
Oolala, here it is all early and stuff and it's time for me to review something. Alas, but I've been up for 20 hours or so and I'm getting pretty tired. Guess I'll just ramble nonsensically for a bit. So I'm sitting here watching whatever they decide to air at almost 5 in the morning, and my tv, stoic lass that she is, filters nothing. This really is sort of a mixed bag. On the one hand, I have the US Farm Report. Woo. On the other... An infomercial about living with anxiety. Well shit, I've lived with anxiety for years now. I call her ma. Ain't no big deal. I really don't see why people let things get them down. Unless you're Alek or Will, you really have no excuse. Whenever life kicks me in the mouth, I just grin and make some wiseacre comment about how I love the taste of blood and teeth. No matter how bad things get, always remember: They can't kick out more teeth than you have. Unless you got replacements, in which case I suppose they could. If they're really dedicated, I suppose they could kidnap an orthodontist and continually rebuild and rekick out your teeth, but that would be a really intricate and expensive plan just for kicking someone in the mouth a lot. Besides, you'd think it would lose its charm after the 10th or 20th time, and then you'd start mixing it up by kicking them somewhere besides the mouth. And then the orthodontist and all the dental supplies would go to waste, so I suppose you'd have to kill him, dump the body, and sell the supplies on the black market; and that just means a whole other set of bullshit. I mean, you'd have to either kill him yourself or hire someone else, which means more money, and plus you'd have to dump the body, steamclean the rug... All expensive and time-consuming. And lets not forget that it's a buyers market out there for under-the-table dental supplies, so it's not like you'd even get a decent return on your investment. Yeah, I'm just stalling at this point, and it's looking like the review might have to wait a few hours until I'm awake. That's assuming I ever bother to go to sleep. I'm sure I will as soon as I can stop typing, but it involves getting up... You know that point where you're too tired to stay awake where you are, but too tired to get up? Someday I'm going to bottle the essence of that and sell it to people as a cure for insomnia. The only problem is if people start using it as a poor man's chloroform. It'd work, I guess. Just douse the hanky, apply to face, and wait about ten to twenty minutes for them to either drop off where they sit or muster up the strength to drag themselves to bed, at which point you can ambush them with a handy rope trap. You know, like that one where you bend the tree and then they get stuck hanging upside down? Let's see a terminally tired person avoid THAT. Ooh, now there's a commercial for some air purifier. Honestly, I fail to see the point. Everyone's so concerned with purity these days, be it air, water, or food. And then they wonder why diseases get worse and more people die from them every year. Yeah, it's because all the innoculations and kleenex box shoes effectively kneecap your immune system. You know why I'm rarely sick and never violently so? It's because I don't give a fuck about pure air, pure water, or silly things like innoculations. Flu shots work fine now, but just wait until it evolves around that. Then you'll be seeing APOCALYPTIC flus. Wiping out everyone who obsessed over health to the detriment of their immune systems. Fools! Of course, it's too late for them now. They've already contracted what I call Bubble Boy Syndrome. The more they attempt to live like the Boy in the Bubble, the more their immune systems start to resemble his. And probably their accents, too. In twenty years we'll have half the population of Earth talking like a young John Travolta. 'Ey, Mr. Kotter, I gotta skip that private tutoring session with your wife after school today. I gotta dance in Disco Dave's Couples Disco Meltdown tonight!' Holy jesus, I AM stalling. Deepest apologies, my dear, but I'm afraid the review will have to wait until I wake up. I'll make it super special for you! I promise.