Wishing on stars that aren't there to grant my wishes...
I kinda feel like i'm in one of those movie scenes where the character in question stops walking and stands still and the camera pans on the surrounding world really fast and everything is a blur and then it just stops and everything is in focus. except that i'm waiting for everything to focus. i feel like i'm always looking for the right answer, always trying to say what i'm supposed to say. obedience. that's what i'm good at. but now it's getting to the point in my life where it's less about obedience because there isn't anyone always there wanting you to be good. i mean there are still a few things, but for the most part it's weird to be my own boss.
unfortunately, going along with that, is the odd feeling of hopelessness when i know it's time to let go, and that i've screwed up. i do really have to recognize that my past is my past, and it's always going to be my past. i'm never going to get the do-over i think i'm naively always looking for...figuring that one out was a shocking experience, and it revealed a lot to me. i didn't know how much i cared, and i don't think i let people know how much i care about them. i'm really bad at that sort of thing. in light of some recent events, if there is anyone reading this, please know that i care about you. i'm just really really bad at showing it. i wish i had the right answer to make it all go away. to take away the hurt, the tears, everything. i wish i could make you, them, myself, all feel better. i donno how to make it go away, how to take things back, how to move past it, how to fix it. i want to make it better, but i think it might be too late...i want to know if it is or not, because everything i thought i knew just did a complete flip flop and i'm waiting for a sign of stability before i try one last time.
<3 Me
unfortunately, going along with that, is the odd feeling of hopelessness when i know it's time to let go, and that i've screwed up. i do really have to recognize that my past is my past, and it's always going to be my past. i'm never going to get the do-over i think i'm naively always looking for...figuring that one out was a shocking experience, and it revealed a lot to me. i didn't know how much i cared, and i don't think i let people know how much i care about them. i'm really bad at that sort of thing. in light of some recent events, if there is anyone reading this, please know that i care about you. i'm just really really bad at showing it. i wish i had the right answer to make it all go away. to take away the hurt, the tears, everything. i wish i could make you, them, myself, all feel better. i donno how to make it go away, how to take things back, how to move past it, how to fix it. i want to make it better, but i think it might be too late...i want to know if it is or not, because everything i thought i knew just did a complete flip flop and i'm waiting for a sign of stability before i try one last time.
<3 Me