(no subject)
I have no idea what the fuck just happened in that conversation or why it pissed me off so badly
This weekend one of my best friends is getting married. My boyfriend is officiating it.
We've both been kind of busy lately and haven't made any real plans beyond babysitting for the kids. He asks me if I had any plans on staying over anywhere for Saturday night. I kind of splutter and said I thought about it but we hadn't really talked about it and haven't gotten a hotel so I assumed we would just drive back at night after the wedding.
"So what do You want to do, I'm okay with anything."
"I dunno, I haven't really thought about it. I haven't heard anything about plans to go out or hand out after the reception"
"Yeah, but do you have any preference of what to do or where to stay or what to do Saturday night?"
"I was just kind of going to play it by ear."
"Yeah well the problem with that is we may play it by ear and end up in New Orleans at 1am without a hotel room"
"Is it going to be that hard to find a hotel room?"
"Well it depends. If there's a convention then yeah, it might be impossible, Maybe just outside of New Orleans but I'd assume that if we both went out we'd be drinking and your not comfortable with either of us drinking and driving,"
*Stays Silent a Moment trying to think through the possibilities and options*
"Well the wedding is late and your talking about going out afterwards, why don't we just rent a room just in case?"
"I don't want to spend 80 dollars on a just in case."
".... Well if you spent the money then we wouldn't just not use it. It would be ridiculous if we didn't"
"Well, How about this, How about we just wait and see what happens on Saturday okay?"
He tells me he doesn't care and then when I make tentative suggestions he just pokes holes in everything and tries to see what MIGHT go wrong. Pointing out problems that I would have no possible way to know the answer to. I have no idea of there's a convention. I scramble to come up with answers he's obviously impatient for, only to have them shot down or holes poked in them. An example is when I go over to his house he's willing to do anything I want to do, except I don't know what I want to do. I don't know what's going on around town and I don't go out very much anyway. So I make a tentative suggestions. None of which he usually particularly likes.
I don't function well in conversations like this. They erode whatever little self confidence I have.
I still can't pinpoint exactly what the fuck it is about this conversation that pisses me off so much. Maybe it's because we have SO MANY of these. He says he doesn't care what do I want to do, I don't care either but I make a suggestion. He shoots down said suggestion and points out why its so OBVIOUSLY NOT THE RIGHT THING TO DO. I try and study what we say, just to try and figure out why I'm irritated, try and figure out what he was trying to say or what his train of thought was. I usually end up just getting pissed off again.
I know I'm overly irritated right now. I've had a long day. I've had a long week and I'm actually not looking forward to tomorrow night or Saturday, although that's probably completely unfair because if I could just relax a bit and unwind I could have a good time.
I guess something else that's bugging me is this Friday night. I'm supposed to be baby sitting my nephew's. Long boring story short I thought he was going to be coming over to keep me company, but turns out there was a miscommunication. He is actually uncomfortable with the thought of hanging out at someones house.
The man who went up against the US government to protest the violence in Iraq. The man who has fucked in public. once underneath the Eiffel tower even. Is willing to have sex with anyone who meets his standards, and will stand up for what he feels he should against anyone and or anything.
This person.... is uncomfortable at the thought of staying in someone else's house for an hour or so.
Okay. So I get that each person has their quirks, and I know that I'm just annoyed because because him being there was going to make my night much more pleasurable. But the thought of him coming over deciding he was to uncomfortable and then leaving, seemed much much worse so I told him just to wait until after.
I can't help but think still that it's not the he would be uncomfortable, it's that he would just be bored and doesn't really think that spending time with me while I babysit would be worth it. I know that this feeling is a part of me that just wasn't prepared for the relationship to kind of balance out. That just because he does something else doesn't mean he doesn't want to spend time with me. I need to start seeing it as getting time to myself and not worry about him....
But it feels like these kinds of instances happen a lot. We really don't watch many movies together, because he never knows what he wants to watch or when I just pick something out he doesn't want to watch it.
Maybe I'm obsessing over this. This fear of him pulling away. This need for more attention when I don't even know what to do. Wanting to DO something with him ANYTHING, but not knowing what that something is. It's extremely frustrating and upsetting. Esspecially when an oppertunity rises to hang out together and he shoots it down, over something I feel shouldn't be a big deal. At least not that big of a deal when it comes to spending time with me. He would rather stay out with friends.
That's completely unfair of me. And I know it. He'll get to see friends he hasn't in a while.
But I still feel upset. Still feel frustrated. Sick of thinking about this crap and worrying about it all the time until I'm sick
Don't know why I can't just let conversations like the one before go. Why I feel the need to just scream at him until I prove my point.
This weekend one of my best friends is getting married. My boyfriend is officiating it.
We've both been kind of busy lately and haven't made any real plans beyond babysitting for the kids. He asks me if I had any plans on staying over anywhere for Saturday night. I kind of splutter and said I thought about it but we hadn't really talked about it and haven't gotten a hotel so I assumed we would just drive back at night after the wedding.
"So what do You want to do, I'm okay with anything."
"I dunno, I haven't really thought about it. I haven't heard anything about plans to go out or hand out after the reception"
"Yeah, but do you have any preference of what to do or where to stay or what to do Saturday night?"
"I was just kind of going to play it by ear."
"Yeah well the problem with that is we may play it by ear and end up in New Orleans at 1am without a hotel room"
"Is it going to be that hard to find a hotel room?"
"Well it depends. If there's a convention then yeah, it might be impossible, Maybe just outside of New Orleans but I'd assume that if we both went out we'd be drinking and your not comfortable with either of us drinking and driving,"
*Stays Silent a Moment trying to think through the possibilities and options*
"Well the wedding is late and your talking about going out afterwards, why don't we just rent a room just in case?"
"I don't want to spend 80 dollars on a just in case."
".... Well if you spent the money then we wouldn't just not use it. It would be ridiculous if we didn't"
"Well, How about this, How about we just wait and see what happens on Saturday okay?"
He tells me he doesn't care and then when I make tentative suggestions he just pokes holes in everything and tries to see what MIGHT go wrong. Pointing out problems that I would have no possible way to know the answer to. I have no idea of there's a convention. I scramble to come up with answers he's obviously impatient for, only to have them shot down or holes poked in them. An example is when I go over to his house he's willing to do anything I want to do, except I don't know what I want to do. I don't know what's going on around town and I don't go out very much anyway. So I make a tentative suggestions. None of which he usually particularly likes.
I don't function well in conversations like this. They erode whatever little self confidence I have.
I still can't pinpoint exactly what the fuck it is about this conversation that pisses me off so much. Maybe it's because we have SO MANY of these. He says he doesn't care what do I want to do, I don't care either but I make a suggestion. He shoots down said suggestion and points out why its so OBVIOUSLY NOT THE RIGHT THING TO DO. I try and study what we say, just to try and figure out why I'm irritated, try and figure out what he was trying to say or what his train of thought was. I usually end up just getting pissed off again.
I know I'm overly irritated right now. I've had a long day. I've had a long week and I'm actually not looking forward to tomorrow night or Saturday, although that's probably completely unfair because if I could just relax a bit and unwind I could have a good time.
I guess something else that's bugging me is this Friday night. I'm supposed to be baby sitting my nephew's. Long boring story short I thought he was going to be coming over to keep me company, but turns out there was a miscommunication. He is actually uncomfortable with the thought of hanging out at someones house.
The man who went up against the US government to protest the violence in Iraq. The man who has fucked in public. once underneath the Eiffel tower even. Is willing to have sex with anyone who meets his standards, and will stand up for what he feels he should against anyone and or anything.
This person.... is uncomfortable at the thought of staying in someone else's house for an hour or so.
Okay. So I get that each person has their quirks, and I know that I'm just annoyed because because him being there was going to make my night much more pleasurable. But the thought of him coming over deciding he was to uncomfortable and then leaving, seemed much much worse so I told him just to wait until after.
I can't help but think still that it's not the he would be uncomfortable, it's that he would just be bored and doesn't really think that spending time with me while I babysit would be worth it. I know that this feeling is a part of me that just wasn't prepared for the relationship to kind of balance out. That just because he does something else doesn't mean he doesn't want to spend time with me. I need to start seeing it as getting time to myself and not worry about him....
But it feels like these kinds of instances happen a lot. We really don't watch many movies together, because he never knows what he wants to watch or when I just pick something out he doesn't want to watch it.
Maybe I'm obsessing over this. This fear of him pulling away. This need for more attention when I don't even know what to do. Wanting to DO something with him ANYTHING, but not knowing what that something is. It's extremely frustrating and upsetting. Esspecially when an oppertunity rises to hang out together and he shoots it down, over something I feel shouldn't be a big deal. At least not that big of a deal when it comes to spending time with me. He would rather stay out with friends.
That's completely unfair of me. And I know it. He'll get to see friends he hasn't in a while.
But I still feel upset. Still feel frustrated. Sick of thinking about this crap and worrying about it all the time until I'm sick
Don't know why I can't just let conversations like the one before go. Why I feel the need to just scream at him until I prove my point.