(no subject)
This is a really long ansty block of text about my dad
it was structured at first, but then it just turned into all these feelings that I had bottled up on the inside. And I .... just didn't stop.
so click at your own risk.
Im trying
so hard right now to just let comments slide, I know he's under pressure from his job, and that he just learned the news that they are fireing alot of people. But it's so hard sometimes
every time he get's news of someone elses daughter graduating, getting married, or getting a job he just... looks at me. And the dissapointment hurts, more than he'll ever know. More than I'll ever let him know.
The other day he forgot I was 24
and he sat there with his eyes closed just saying "its been six years since youve been out of high school
Its so hard to think good thoughts about myself when he says these things.
I was for a while
dare I say. I was proud of who I was.
looking back at where I was
and where I am now
I was a work in progress but I was going in the right direction.
When I put that much effort into somehthing, and the one person I love and respect more than anyone else in the world still looks down on me. Critisizes me. It's hard to look myself in the mirror. He's not trying to do this, he's not cutting me down. He's just in alot of pain over whats happened these past few years. And it makes me hurt even more to think that I have no real right to get angry. It makes me deffeninsive and snappish. I don't want you to pull open my mistakes dad. It's to eairly. To soon. Don't give me that look ever time you see me. Stop thinking of me as some stupid rebelious teen. Why can't you see how much I love you. You have no idea how much I want to slap you when you say the words "Don't you know I love you Dannie?". Of course I know, I know how much you've sacrificed for me. All that you've given. It tears me apart every day thinking how much I hurt you everyday. It makes me hate myself. I want to turn back the clock and make all of your tears go away. I want to wipe away those looks of shocked anger I saw when I told you I was moving out. Those faces will haunt me until my dieing day. I've never blamed you. Not really. I know that all this is of my own making. But I can't accept that mentally right now. If I thought about it. Everything Ive done and cost you. If I sit down and think of everything Im going to have to do these next few years. Then you would never find the body. Because if I were to kill myself I would make sure you would never know the pain of seeing my dead body.
So I don't. I push it aside. and take small baby steps that make you wonder how Im going to survive. I know you get frustrated and angry.Esspecially when you try and question be about my future and instead of a response I get defensive and angry, snapping your head off for being worried. But I wish you could see how much stronger Im getting. How far Ive gotten. I know you wouldn't be impressed. But at least you would see Im not doing "nothing". Ill pull myself together. You'll see. One day Im going to fix these broken battered black wings and Im going to take off. And I'm going to show you. all this time you thought I was just being lazy or useless. I was working, on myself as a person. It's going to take me a long time. And it's going to be painful. But Dad. Before you die. I will look you in the eye. and I will see pride and amazement. Instead of the pain and disspointment I see every day now.
@@
Didn't even know that was in my head.
it was structured at first, but then it just turned into all these feelings that I had bottled up on the inside. And I .... just didn't stop.
so click at your own risk.
Im trying
so hard right now to just let comments slide, I know he's under pressure from his job, and that he just learned the news that they are fireing alot of people. But it's so hard sometimes
every time he get's news of someone elses daughter graduating, getting married, or getting a job he just... looks at me. And the dissapointment hurts, more than he'll ever know. More than I'll ever let him know.
The other day he forgot I was 24
and he sat there with his eyes closed just saying "its been six years since youve been out of high school
Its so hard to think good thoughts about myself when he says these things.
I was for a while
dare I say. I was proud of who I was.
looking back at where I was
and where I am now
I was a work in progress but I was going in the right direction.
When I put that much effort into somehthing, and the one person I love and respect more than anyone else in the world still looks down on me. Critisizes me. It's hard to look myself in the mirror. He's not trying to do this, he's not cutting me down. He's just in alot of pain over whats happened these past few years. And it makes me hurt even more to think that I have no real right to get angry. It makes me deffeninsive and snappish. I don't want you to pull open my mistakes dad. It's to eairly. To soon. Don't give me that look ever time you see me. Stop thinking of me as some stupid rebelious teen. Why can't you see how much I love you. You have no idea how much I want to slap you when you say the words "Don't you know I love you Dannie?". Of course I know, I know how much you've sacrificed for me. All that you've given. It tears me apart every day thinking how much I hurt you everyday. It makes me hate myself. I want to turn back the clock and make all of your tears go away. I want to wipe away those looks of shocked anger I saw when I told you I was moving out. Those faces will haunt me until my dieing day. I've never blamed you. Not really. I know that all this is of my own making. But I can't accept that mentally right now. If I thought about it. Everything Ive done and cost you. If I sit down and think of everything Im going to have to do these next few years. Then you would never find the body. Because if I were to kill myself I would make sure you would never know the pain of seeing my dead body.
So I don't. I push it aside. and take small baby steps that make you wonder how Im going to survive. I know you get frustrated and angry.Esspecially when you try and question be about my future and instead of a response I get defensive and angry, snapping your head off for being worried. But I wish you could see how much stronger Im getting. How far Ive gotten. I know you wouldn't be impressed. But at least you would see Im not doing "nothing". Ill pull myself together. You'll see. One day Im going to fix these broken battered black wings and Im going to take off. And I'm going to show you. all this time you thought I was just being lazy or useless. I was working, on myself as a person. It's going to take me a long time. And it's going to be painful. But Dad. Before you die. I will look you in the eye. and I will see pride and amazement. Instead of the pain and disspointment I see every day now.
@@
Didn't even know that was in my head.