(no subject)
Nerdanel was sitting on her rocker with a sketch pad in her lap. Her fingers moved with ease over the paper, the oil crayon held lightly in her hand. She made a sweeping black line, making the curve of Námo's back as he lay against the floor. Her work was constant and relaxing, her attention not only on the art she was creating, but on the heart-warming scene before her.
Námo was sprawled on the floor, Kelly on his stomach and Gabriel sitting beside him. The little girl was laughing as her Papa bounced her and tickled her sides. Gabriel clapped his hands, his own laughter harmonizing with Kelly's beautifully. Nerdanel wondered at the broad smile on Námo's face, the enjoyment he seemed to take with his children. It was such a change from the reserved, quiet father he had been but a month ago, and she mused about what had made him take this step forward.
"You're different," she finally commented, picking up the stick of lavender to add highlights to his black hair.
He looked around Kelly's small bouncing body and eyed her. "I am as I have always been."
"That's a lie," she replied smoothly. "A year ago, you couldn't even hold Kelly without fretting as if we were asking you to hold a flaming sword. Now, you treat her as your daughter."
"She is my daughter." He said this as if he had always accepted that truth.
Nerdanel shook her head, chuckling to herself. "You've changed, Lord Mandos."
Silence fell between them, though Kelly and Gabriel continued to laugh and chirp to each other while Námo bounced and played with them. Kelly began to squirm, becoming bored with the bouncing game, and in her very princess-like way, demanded her Papa let her play with Gabriel. Námo let her go.
"Gabe!" she chirped. "T'ger!"
Gabriel laughed and shifted his form into the little orange tiger and Kelly pounced him. Námo shook his head with a grin, then looked back at Nerdanel. "If I have changed, is it not a good thing?" he asked her quietly.
"It's good if it was your choice to change." Nerdanel chose another colour, Prussian blue, for Námo's eyes. "If you did it because you thought it was expected, then you haven't really changed. You're merely lying to yourself and everyone else."
He was quiet, reflective. "I changed because it was time," he finally said. "I am not what I was. I do not like who I was. It was cold and lonely. Even with Gorlim and the children, it was lonely."
"Why did you wait so long?"
Námo shrugged as stared at the tumbling tiger and girl. "I kept waiting for him to take it all away."
Nerdanel paused in her work. "Gorlim?"
Námo nodded. "He did it before. I kept... waiting... for it to happen again. I lived in fear each morning that I would wake and he would change his mind."
"He hasn't."
The Vala smiled slowly. "No. He has not. When I allowed myself to believe that this was real, that we had children and a marriage and nothing was going to change that, I... I changed."
"Good." Nerdanel returned to her task of giving life to the eyes on the page. "Gorlim deserves a proper mate, not someone waiting for him to betray them."
Námo lay back again and gazed up at the ceiling. "We have decided to have a child."
"I'm not getting pregnant again yet," she quickly said. "I somehow doubt Amber would like sharing the bed of a woman carrying a child for someone else."
"Not you," he snapped gently. "Me."
Nerdanel's eyes grew wide as she stared at him. "Lord Mandos, I didn't think I'd have to explain the problem with two boys trying to conceive a child, but if it's necessary..."
"I can become a female," Námo scoffed. "My form is dictated by my desire. If I wish to be female and bear a child, I can."
"Do you wish to be a female and to bear a child?" she asked slowly.
"There is no other way." He met her eyes. "I want a child that is he and I. If that means sacrificing my form for a short time, then it is worth it. To have a child with Gorlim? I would pay any price."
Nerdanel smiled at him. "And just what are you going to tell the children when Papa becomes Mama?"
Námo looked at the roughhousing children. "Maybe they will not notice?" he asked hopefully.
Námo was sprawled on the floor, Kelly on his stomach and Gabriel sitting beside him. The little girl was laughing as her Papa bounced her and tickled her sides. Gabriel clapped his hands, his own laughter harmonizing with Kelly's beautifully. Nerdanel wondered at the broad smile on Námo's face, the enjoyment he seemed to take with his children. It was such a change from the reserved, quiet father he had been but a month ago, and she mused about what had made him take this step forward.
"You're different," she finally commented, picking up the stick of lavender to add highlights to his black hair.
He looked around Kelly's small bouncing body and eyed her. "I am as I have always been."
"That's a lie," she replied smoothly. "A year ago, you couldn't even hold Kelly without fretting as if we were asking you to hold a flaming sword. Now, you treat her as your daughter."
"She is my daughter." He said this as if he had always accepted that truth.
Nerdanel shook her head, chuckling to herself. "You've changed, Lord Mandos."
Silence fell between them, though Kelly and Gabriel continued to laugh and chirp to each other while Námo bounced and played with them. Kelly began to squirm, becoming bored with the bouncing game, and in her very princess-like way, demanded her Papa let her play with Gabriel. Námo let her go.
"Gabe!" she chirped. "T'ger!"
Gabriel laughed and shifted his form into the little orange tiger and Kelly pounced him. Námo shook his head with a grin, then looked back at Nerdanel. "If I have changed, is it not a good thing?" he asked her quietly.
"It's good if it was your choice to change." Nerdanel chose another colour, Prussian blue, for Námo's eyes. "If you did it because you thought it was expected, then you haven't really changed. You're merely lying to yourself and everyone else."
He was quiet, reflective. "I changed because it was time," he finally said. "I am not what I was. I do not like who I was. It was cold and lonely. Even with Gorlim and the children, it was lonely."
"Why did you wait so long?"
Námo shrugged as stared at the tumbling tiger and girl. "I kept waiting for him to take it all away."
Nerdanel paused in her work. "Gorlim?"
Námo nodded. "He did it before. I kept... waiting... for it to happen again. I lived in fear each morning that I would wake and he would change his mind."
"He hasn't."
The Vala smiled slowly. "No. He has not. When I allowed myself to believe that this was real, that we had children and a marriage and nothing was going to change that, I... I changed."
"Good." Nerdanel returned to her task of giving life to the eyes on the page. "Gorlim deserves a proper mate, not someone waiting for him to betray them."
Námo lay back again and gazed up at the ceiling. "We have decided to have a child."
"I'm not getting pregnant again yet," she quickly said. "I somehow doubt Amber would like sharing the bed of a woman carrying a child for someone else."
"Not you," he snapped gently. "Me."
Nerdanel's eyes grew wide as she stared at him. "Lord Mandos, I didn't think I'd have to explain the problem with two boys trying to conceive a child, but if it's necessary..."
"I can become a female," Námo scoffed. "My form is dictated by my desire. If I wish to be female and bear a child, I can."
"Do you wish to be a female and to bear a child?" she asked slowly.
"There is no other way." He met her eyes. "I want a child that is he and I. If that means sacrificing my form for a short time, then it is worth it. To have a child with Gorlim? I would pay any price."
Nerdanel smiled at him. "And just what are you going to tell the children when Papa becomes Mama?"
Námo looked at the roughhousing children. "Maybe they will not notice?" he asked hopefully.