Written on the way to my aunt's house
It's sobering, to realize what you really want, and to know you're never going to get it, and that you shouldn't even want it in the first place. It's terribly lonely to have found someone who can communicate with you on a level that you want in a lover, in a spouse, in everything, and to know that you'll never be able to achieve anything more than a distant friendship with them. To have to settle in everything, because trying to get anything more than that will only drive them away.
It's sad to receive a phone call from one girl and regretfully push 'ignore' because it's a girl who likes you, but not th one you want. It's horrible to realize that the thing you can get isn't worth it, and the thing you can't help but reach for is just out of grasp - and it hurts worse to know that you might've pushed it away by moving too quickly.
Worse to know that no one would approve, that they'd ridicule, sigh and shake their heads, make fun, and knowing that you still think it's worth it, but it still won't happen.
Worse than knowing what could be, and knowing you'll make the attempt if at all possible, not even caring about the personal cost. Worse to know that this coming semester is going to hurt my heart worse than the prior ones unless I can shake this crush, and it's not looking too good. I'm just going to ache and crave and eventually cave in and try, and end up a hollowed shell, burning inwardly because I can't turn it outwards for fear of scalding her more.
Damnit, Merry Fucking Christmas. This is why I hate this holiday. It makes me think too much, and in the end, that always ends in the same place. These people are not my people, and this place is not my place. I'm just stuck here, unable to break out because of the rest of the world trying to hold me in place.
It's sad to receive a phone call from one girl and regretfully push 'ignore' because it's a girl who likes you, but not th one you want. It's horrible to realize that the thing you can get isn't worth it, and the thing you can't help but reach for is just out of grasp - and it hurts worse to know that you might've pushed it away by moving too quickly.
Worse to know that no one would approve, that they'd ridicule, sigh and shake their heads, make fun, and knowing that you still think it's worth it, but it still won't happen.
Worse than knowing what could be, and knowing you'll make the attempt if at all possible, not even caring about the personal cost. Worse to know that this coming semester is going to hurt my heart worse than the prior ones unless I can shake this crush, and it's not looking too good. I'm just going to ache and crave and eventually cave in and try, and end up a hollowed shell, burning inwardly because I can't turn it outwards for fear of scalding her more.
Damnit, Merry Fucking Christmas. This is why I hate this holiday. It makes me think too much, and in the end, that always ends in the same place. These people are not my people, and this place is not my place. I'm just stuck here, unable to break out because of the rest of the world trying to hold me in place.