...yeah it was bittersweet
Well i guess we can ignore my last post. Things didn't quite pan out like i thought they would. i didn't kill myself. i didn't get hit by a bus. i didn't fall off any buildings. But i have a little while longer on the public computer at the library so let me provide a very good read for those who follow my journal. The best in months!
1. The girl i was seeing left me. i want to keep this short and sweet. It was very bittersweet. There are, however, a few things i want to put on the record:
The first one being that, similar to 98% of my relationships in the past, i really liked her, cared for her, and most importantly i worried about her and continue to worry about her a lot. As i have mentioned, in detail, in previous posts, she gave me A LOT to worry about. i have already said it so i won't get into specifics but she is really fucking her life up badly and i just had to watch which was unhealthy for me of course. But i really though i could help her and i will get into that in a bit.
Second, she was making my situation right now bearable. She was providing what i really needed. She was giving me affection through cuddles, back rubs, hugs, kisses, and sex. She was providing me plenty of laughs and humor, keeping my spirits up. And probably the most important thing is she was providing me just general company. She literally was the ONLY person i had here. Corri is busy with her thing and will be moving away very very soon, so i was really grateful i had Rosy and was very pleased that i would have someone here.
Now THIRDLY and probably what gets me the most is the irony and utter hypocrisy of the reasons she gave me, finally. it took time. She literally said: i don't think we should hang out anymore, my situation isn't working for her, goodbye and take care. that is what was said. I eventually got specifics and you know what? What she did and EVERYTHING she told me. The reasons why. Everything is THE EXACT SAME THING i would have told her and done had i not been in a vulnerable state. Actually i take that back. It is exactly what is SHOULD have done and said had i not been homeless and jobless and all that jazz. i mean, we all know my track record. i would have stayed with it and that leads me to the final thing i want to say about Rosy and exactly how much i cared and worried about her.
She talks about the poor choices i made (and to prove my previous point, i was not liking the choices SHE was making) and how i am choosing homelessness (again, she is choosing homelessness by continuing to do things that are going to get her kicked out) and how the situation "doesn't work for her" (as if it was working great for her). It isn't what she needed right now (because obviously what she needs is to continue using drugs, drinking excessively, and fucking strangers on craigslist in exchange for drugs, alcohol, and a place to stay is working out SO much better). All the choices i made was with her in mind. All of them. I wanted to stay in roseville, even if it meant being homeless, so that i could stay near her because i worried about what she would do without me around. There were other factors of course like my outpatient program, my doctor, etc. But my plan was to stay by her side and try to remain a positive part of her life. I thought that i could get my life back together here. get a place of my own again and a job. And then i could focus more of my attention on helping her to fix her life. That was my plan. But she left. And i have seen the CL ads she posts a little before she left me and after. She is just continuing to make her life worse. And it is breaking my fucking heart. Really badly which is probably the one thing i can't say about all my other experiences with dating toxic girls. My instincts told me, and normally i really would have since i have learned better, to make up an excuse to end our first date. She was fucked up on alcohol and zanex that she stole from her mom and snorted. I should have left it at that. I was very vulnerable and in desperate need of someone. But there was something in her eyes. I can't explain it but her face told me she needed help. Her eyes told me she needed someone like me in her life. And, well, the rest is history. And that's all i have to say about the Rosy part of my life. Just another bad relationship experience.
So other than THAT happening over the weekend, i have been both breaking down and being productive. I have not been able to bring myself to go to Outpatient in the last few days. Mainly the biking in the cold for 45 minutes is a turn off. But since i have missed two days, they are calling and leaving messages worried about me. I also have not been able to eat since thursday except for some chex mix that i stole and M&Ms that i ate while walking around Grocery Outlet. And insurance WILL cut me off if i miss too many days in a row. So i really have to go there on Wednesday.
Trying to get help has been VERY VERY frustrating. I just get the run-around. There are a few organizations that have been given to me. All in which i have called and gotten the same experience. Either i have to leave a message and wait for them to call me back or i do get someone and they tell me they need to discuss my situation with others and call me back. Whichever the case i don't get a call back. And when i try calling back i get what all the other organizations tell me. The exact same phrases: "Have you heard of The Gathering Inn?" and "You need to go to our recourse center". Now these centers are always out of my reach and in other towns. But my question. My fucking question is. What the fuck do these recourse centers have that can't be given to me over the phone or that i haven't already discovered???! Do they contain this magic little book. With a top secret number that they can't put on the internet and can't tell people over the phone???! For reals here. What the fucking hell? It says here, in black and fucking white: "help to find housing for the mentally ill that are homeless or about to become homeless". Yeah some fucking help you are. The best i have gotten, sadly, is a recourse center not too far from me. Again not sure what good it's going to be really. Also PRIDE Services emailed me. Apparently an email of mine was forwarded to them. Not sure what email the only one i can think of is the very lengthy email i sent to NAMI explaining my situation and utter frustration i was having with AMIH and the other organizations that claim to help. The best PRIDE was able to do, and like everyone else, was refer me to someone else. They referred me to OneStop Career Center and The Department of Rehabilitation. I have to be out of my place of squatting tomorrow. So i am going to wake up early, take the remainder of my stuff (clothes mainly) to my storage unit, go to the recourse center and snoop that out, and then TRY to get to the other side of town to the Dept of Rehab place. That is my plan.
I have also filled out an application for the Lazarus Project. I just need some info about the car from Corri, an envelope, and a stamp. The Lazarus Project tries to find housing for people with mental illness like all the other organizations say they do, but i think this one will actually help if they can. The thing is is that i am most certain there is a list, for one. I probably won't have the opportunity to stay in Roseville which is a little easier without Rosy, but it is still going to be REALLY hard not having the OutPatient program or my psychiatrist who is prescribing my meds. It is a real shame too because i REALLY like her. She is the best one i have ever had. She is very nice, sweet, and helpful. She is very knowledgeable about the drugs she prescribes for me. The lamictal has helped a lot with my suicidal idiation/chronic suicidal thoughts that i have had since childhood. She said that, in her experience, the mood stabler does do that. i am very grateful that she knew that because it has been helping. i still have my moments, but the thought doesn't cross my mind every day like it has been for the past 20 years. So that would be a huge blow. Also they do ask for a fee. They sounded like they try to work with you and charge the least amount they can, but still. i really can't afford that much. MAYBE a hundred dollars. So, all put together, it seems highly unlikely they will find me a place. Between the waiting list and the fees. But you never know i guess. i am trying to stay positive here but it gets harder when you can't bathe, shave, clean your clothes, eat regularly, sleep comfortably, etc AND try to land a job. Obviously.
i am running out of time here at the library so i will just add one more thing.
i have met a lot of new and interesting characters since becoming homeless and being within the community. In a way i am glad to be experiencing this side of life. Today i met a guy with just three fingers. A thumb on his right hand and his thumb and pinky on the other. He made me roll a cigarette for him and rambled on about i don't know what. Some of the stuff he said did make sense but some of the stuff didn't. He gave me my homeless nickname. i am "tree" now.
i went to The Gathering Inn. A place homeless people go for just a couple hours to meet up. There are showers available and i thought they provided food which is why i went there. Food and to get my TB test read. It is required that you test negative for TB to be able to go. And then at like 5:30 a bus takes everyone to various homeless shelters to sleep. Some are like 3 hours away. I got thrown out. You aren't allowed to "just hang out" apparently. I saw all sorts of people. There were even very small children. They were all in the same situation i am in (you're not allowed there unless you are clean and sober). They were all looking for jobs. All looking for housing. The only thing i had different than them is my youth. It is what i am going to have to depend on and hope it get's me ahead of them. that is awful to say, but it is the truth.
But if and when i DO get my shit together. I am going to do anything and everything i can to help them out. Without having to worry about helping Rosy out like i planned, i can do this.
1. The girl i was seeing left me. i want to keep this short and sweet. It was very bittersweet. There are, however, a few things i want to put on the record:
The first one being that, similar to 98% of my relationships in the past, i really liked her, cared for her, and most importantly i worried about her and continue to worry about her a lot. As i have mentioned, in detail, in previous posts, she gave me A LOT to worry about. i have already said it so i won't get into specifics but she is really fucking her life up badly and i just had to watch which was unhealthy for me of course. But i really though i could help her and i will get into that in a bit.
Second, she was making my situation right now bearable. She was providing what i really needed. She was giving me affection through cuddles, back rubs, hugs, kisses, and sex. She was providing me plenty of laughs and humor, keeping my spirits up. And probably the most important thing is she was providing me just general company. She literally was the ONLY person i had here. Corri is busy with her thing and will be moving away very very soon, so i was really grateful i had Rosy and was very pleased that i would have someone here.
Now THIRDLY and probably what gets me the most is the irony and utter hypocrisy of the reasons she gave me, finally. it took time. She literally said: i don't think we should hang out anymore, my situation isn't working for her, goodbye and take care. that is what was said. I eventually got specifics and you know what? What she did and EVERYTHING she told me. The reasons why. Everything is THE EXACT SAME THING i would have told her and done had i not been in a vulnerable state. Actually i take that back. It is exactly what is SHOULD have done and said had i not been homeless and jobless and all that jazz. i mean, we all know my track record. i would have stayed with it and that leads me to the final thing i want to say about Rosy and exactly how much i cared and worried about her.
She talks about the poor choices i made (and to prove my previous point, i was not liking the choices SHE was making) and how i am choosing homelessness (again, she is choosing homelessness by continuing to do things that are going to get her kicked out) and how the situation "doesn't work for her" (as if it was working great for her). It isn't what she needed right now (because obviously what she needs is to continue using drugs, drinking excessively, and fucking strangers on craigslist in exchange for drugs, alcohol, and a place to stay is working out SO much better). All the choices i made was with her in mind. All of them. I wanted to stay in roseville, even if it meant being homeless, so that i could stay near her because i worried about what she would do without me around. There were other factors of course like my outpatient program, my doctor, etc. But my plan was to stay by her side and try to remain a positive part of her life. I thought that i could get my life back together here. get a place of my own again and a job. And then i could focus more of my attention on helping her to fix her life. That was my plan. But she left. And i have seen the CL ads she posts a little before she left me and after. She is just continuing to make her life worse. And it is breaking my fucking heart. Really badly which is probably the one thing i can't say about all my other experiences with dating toxic girls. My instincts told me, and normally i really would have since i have learned better, to make up an excuse to end our first date. She was fucked up on alcohol and zanex that she stole from her mom and snorted. I should have left it at that. I was very vulnerable and in desperate need of someone. But there was something in her eyes. I can't explain it but her face told me she needed help. Her eyes told me she needed someone like me in her life. And, well, the rest is history. And that's all i have to say about the Rosy part of my life. Just another bad relationship experience.
So other than THAT happening over the weekend, i have been both breaking down and being productive. I have not been able to bring myself to go to Outpatient in the last few days. Mainly the biking in the cold for 45 minutes is a turn off. But since i have missed two days, they are calling and leaving messages worried about me. I also have not been able to eat since thursday except for some chex mix that i stole and M&Ms that i ate while walking around Grocery Outlet. And insurance WILL cut me off if i miss too many days in a row. So i really have to go there on Wednesday.
Trying to get help has been VERY VERY frustrating. I just get the run-around. There are a few organizations that have been given to me. All in which i have called and gotten the same experience. Either i have to leave a message and wait for them to call me back or i do get someone and they tell me they need to discuss my situation with others and call me back. Whichever the case i don't get a call back. And when i try calling back i get what all the other organizations tell me. The exact same phrases: "Have you heard of The Gathering Inn?" and "You need to go to our recourse center". Now these centers are always out of my reach and in other towns. But my question. My fucking question is. What the fuck do these recourse centers have that can't be given to me over the phone or that i haven't already discovered???! Do they contain this magic little book. With a top secret number that they can't put on the internet and can't tell people over the phone???! For reals here. What the fucking hell? It says here, in black and fucking white: "help to find housing for the mentally ill that are homeless or about to become homeless". Yeah some fucking help you are. The best i have gotten, sadly, is a recourse center not too far from me. Again not sure what good it's going to be really. Also PRIDE Services emailed me. Apparently an email of mine was forwarded to them. Not sure what email the only one i can think of is the very lengthy email i sent to NAMI explaining my situation and utter frustration i was having with AMIH and the other organizations that claim to help. The best PRIDE was able to do, and like everyone else, was refer me to someone else. They referred me to OneStop Career Center and The Department of Rehabilitation. I have to be out of my place of squatting tomorrow. So i am going to wake up early, take the remainder of my stuff (clothes mainly) to my storage unit, go to the recourse center and snoop that out, and then TRY to get to the other side of town to the Dept of Rehab place. That is my plan.
I have also filled out an application for the Lazarus Project. I just need some info about the car from Corri, an envelope, and a stamp. The Lazarus Project tries to find housing for people with mental illness like all the other organizations say they do, but i think this one will actually help if they can. The thing is is that i am most certain there is a list, for one. I probably won't have the opportunity to stay in Roseville which is a little easier without Rosy, but it is still going to be REALLY hard not having the OutPatient program or my psychiatrist who is prescribing my meds. It is a real shame too because i REALLY like her. She is the best one i have ever had. She is very nice, sweet, and helpful. She is very knowledgeable about the drugs she prescribes for me. The lamictal has helped a lot with my suicidal idiation/chronic suicidal thoughts that i have had since childhood. She said that, in her experience, the mood stabler does do that. i am very grateful that she knew that because it has been helping. i still have my moments, but the thought doesn't cross my mind every day like it has been for the past 20 years. So that would be a huge blow. Also they do ask for a fee. They sounded like they try to work with you and charge the least amount they can, but still. i really can't afford that much. MAYBE a hundred dollars. So, all put together, it seems highly unlikely they will find me a place. Between the waiting list and the fees. But you never know i guess. i am trying to stay positive here but it gets harder when you can't bathe, shave, clean your clothes, eat regularly, sleep comfortably, etc AND try to land a job. Obviously.
i am running out of time here at the library so i will just add one more thing.
i have met a lot of new and interesting characters since becoming homeless and being within the community. In a way i am glad to be experiencing this side of life. Today i met a guy with just three fingers. A thumb on his right hand and his thumb and pinky on the other. He made me roll a cigarette for him and rambled on about i don't know what. Some of the stuff he said did make sense but some of the stuff didn't. He gave me my homeless nickname. i am "tree" now.
i went to The Gathering Inn. A place homeless people go for just a couple hours to meet up. There are showers available and i thought they provided food which is why i went there. Food and to get my TB test read. It is required that you test negative for TB to be able to go. And then at like 5:30 a bus takes everyone to various homeless shelters to sleep. Some are like 3 hours away. I got thrown out. You aren't allowed to "just hang out" apparently. I saw all sorts of people. There were even very small children. They were all in the same situation i am in (you're not allowed there unless you are clean and sober). They were all looking for jobs. All looking for housing. The only thing i had different than them is my youth. It is what i am going to have to depend on and hope it get's me ahead of them. that is awful to say, but it is the truth.
But if and when i DO get my shit together. I am going to do anything and everything i can to help them out. Without having to worry about helping Rosy out like i planned, i can do this.