...Inanity is a word
Hmm. today. School is getting shittier every day. Today as band practice. It kind of went well towards the beginning. But Wayde was having a bad day and understandably went home. We kind of just ate pizza and watched the rejected videos until we decided to go out and jam again. We made fun of people and such, it was pretty funn. Now I am home. it is 9:45.
I am really confused about a certain someone. I doubt she would ever hear of this or read this... but just in case I will call her SD. Most should know who I am talking about. I know I have had some kind of feelings for her since about 7th or 8th grade. They have kind of just been little crushes though. She is in my English class now and I don't know if I really like her or just think it would be really cool to befriend her. I don't know what it is. Her voice, her rust colored hair, or the way she makes me smile like know one else does. It is weird. She sits kind of diagonal fro me and I am kind of out of her view unless she looks to the left. needless to say, she doesn't know that I notice certain comical things she does and that I smile or laugh to it. I wish I knew. maybe it is just sexual? I don't know. Like, 97.43% of the time, while in the halls, in class, or at lunch, I am scoping out chicks. But its all the same. The hot ones are Hot Topic billboards or Disney Channel Kids and the cool personality ones are just unattractive. I am not trying to be shallow or anything. Honestly, Physical attraction is kind of important. How can you be with someone that is so unattractive, that you cant make out with them? Anyway, Their are a minimum few that I would at least like to get to know. It was cool when Jenjamin used to always hook me up. She has never been that shy so she can just walk up to a chick and befriend her then we move from there. It is kind of funny; trying to count all the girls/boys that you have had, at the least, a little bit of a crush on. it is allot. It is soooo aggravating though. Okay, I know (having the low self esteem) I will never consider myself "attractive". But I am finally starting to take peoples word. This sounds conceited, but allot of girls say I am hot, cute, etc. But through out my whole life I have had the toughest time getting a GF. My first real GF I believe was probably Kayci. That as the end of FRESHMEN year. Since then, Their was the week long relationship wit May May, The month or two relationship with Molly, and the thing with Bri. That is all. I have had dates in between... but nothing big at all. So basically I am saying this. If I am so hot, why cant I ever get anyone? This is another reason why I doubt the "being hot" thing. However, I do admit that I don't often put myself out there. I may not seem it, but I am really shy. I could never just randomly walk up to someone and ... say "hi". I usually just hope/wait for the day where for some reason I am hanging out with them... then I try to move in. I had better luck getting a GF in the psyc-ward. *sigh*. I just get so horny or lonely or both. The new chick with the green guitar in Instrumentals seems cool. She is pretty cute. She plays guitar too, that’s cool. Maybe I will try talking with her? She kind of just randomly appeared in my class the other day. She is now the only chick who plays guitar in the class. Knowing my luck, She is some phish listening hippie who is a year older than me and a hairy twat. I just want to fuck off and die. Hot, but a drama queen. mature, but ugly as sin, nice looking, but an avid cocaine user, sexy, likes rap music, really kinky, but tall and bald. Can anything be semi-perfect? Nothing can be balanced. Is always one extreme to the other. maybe I will run away to where Amy Lee lives, and get with her. I bet she has someone though. Hmmm, I just thought of something. I was thinking to how chicks got to me. I know one approach was ask one of my friends for my SN, that happened quite often. One, no... two have flat out told me online... after upon actually meeting them and hanging out with them at least once. One was just really spontaneous, and GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I want to come out an say it SO BAD! But I cant even tell if it is true or not! Sometimes I feel as though I am lying about it, to myself as well as others. I think I may have been. BUT NO! It is different now, I hate what it is now. It is what it used to be that I feel for... I think. It was so perfect. Oh so perfect. Slice. bye for now
You know the feeling, when you look at a picture and it seems so perfect. As if something just... fits. Hm, lets see if I can use a puzzle as a metaphor. You purchase a puzzle. When you open it... it is just a bunch of pieces. You know what it is Supposed to look like from the picture on the box, but as for the individual pieces... it is hard to make out what they are or where they go. Slowly (or, depending on your skill, quickly) The puzzle build and you start knowing the pieces more and things make more sense and you get happier and things seem more perfect. then you are done. It is whole, everything fits... so nicely. You take a picture or a few to keep the memory and maybe hang it up... in a frame perhaps. Well, eventually it falls apart, whether you must take it apart or it falls off the wall. They pieces end up becoming all faded, wrinkled, dirty, etc. and you kind of don't like it anymore and pieces are probably even missing. so you throw it away or sell it. A few weeks later, you come across those pictures that you took of it. Oh how perfect it was, how happy you were, how clean and shiny it looked, and maybe you wish you still had that puzzle... even if you just want to put it back together. but you would have to buy it again so that you have all the pieces and they aren’t dirty and such. That is how I feel about it right now. The FQ is that puzzle I think. I tried the best I could to explain it. has anyone had a GF/BF in the past that you often feel hatred towards.... until you come across a pic of you holding her/him and it just seems so surreal.
in·an·i·ty (-nn-t)
n. pl. in·an·i·ties
The condition or quality of being inane.
Something empty of meaning or sense.