Hello Again...
I... really haven't updated this, have I? Ah well, I'll try to remember to get back on and update more frequently. I just turned 18 and... I don't feel it. I don't feel 18 at all...
Ah well... And now for the real reason I'm updating this right now... It's... taken me a while to put this together. I had to deal with some things before I was sane enough to start writing this out. I know you'll likely never read this, but I was hoping that this would at least help me handle things.
I am sorry. I am truely and utterly sorry. I never meant to hurt you. /Never/. I... understand why you did what you did. I really do. But I wish you had given me a chance to explain. I /know/ what I did was stupid on an epic level. But I had a reason for what I did. And at the time, it was the best thing I could think of to do.
And now... Now I want to explain. It might not have been accurately reflected in what I said... but I was trying to help you. Trying to apologize. I was going to kill myself that night. I was going to go into the office, take a CD, break it and slit my arms from wrist to elbow. And all I could think about was how you and the whole world would be better off without me. You were the one person I had left. The one person that I knew still cared. And I didn't want you to blame yourself. I wanted you to know that I knew what I was doing was stupid, and that you weren't to blame. I just needed to tell you. I... wasn't sane. At all. And I loved you with all of my heart and I still do. I've had a crush on you pretty much since the first time I met you. And I never ever told you because I knew you were too good, too wonderful for me. All I could do was be grateful you were my friend.
I wasn't trying to manipulate you. I really wasn't. I was trying to apologize, trying to say good bye.
The only reason I'm not dead right now, is because I started thinking about you. I didn't want you to feel at all responsible. Because it was never your fault. You took care of me, were there for me. I know I couldn't be the friend I should have been. But I /tried/. For you, I tried as hard as I could. But in the end, that wasn't hard enough.
That night, after I sent the e-mail, all I could do was think about what I was about to do. Think about how few people would come to my funeral. Think about how you would be much better off without me weighing you down. And just as I was about to get up, having spent several hours lost in my thoughts... Mom came down the stairs. And no matter what else I am, I am not enough of a monster to kill myself in front of my mother. And she sent me to bed, and by morning... I had forgotten. The urge, the need to die was still there, but I had forgotten what I had done in the night.
So... Again... I'm so, so, so sorry. I love you. I really do. And I am sorry I hurt you, and I'm sorry that I never could be good enough for you. And I'm above all, sorry I'm sick and haven't been able to get better. Please, I wish you all the best in this world. I wish you every happiness, every joy and every love that you could possibly ever want. And please, please don't hate me...
And... on that note... Happy 18th Birthday to me.
Ah well... And now for the real reason I'm updating this right now... It's... taken me a while to put this together. I had to deal with some things before I was sane enough to start writing this out. I know you'll likely never read this, but I was hoping that this would at least help me handle things.
I am sorry. I am truely and utterly sorry. I never meant to hurt you. /Never/. I... understand why you did what you did. I really do. But I wish you had given me a chance to explain. I /know/ what I did was stupid on an epic level. But I had a reason for what I did. And at the time, it was the best thing I could think of to do.
And now... Now I want to explain. It might not have been accurately reflected in what I said... but I was trying to help you. Trying to apologize. I was going to kill myself that night. I was going to go into the office, take a CD, break it and slit my arms from wrist to elbow. And all I could think about was how you and the whole world would be better off without me. You were the one person I had left. The one person that I knew still cared. And I didn't want you to blame yourself. I wanted you to know that I knew what I was doing was stupid, and that you weren't to blame. I just needed to tell you. I... wasn't sane. At all. And I loved you with all of my heart and I still do. I've had a crush on you pretty much since the first time I met you. And I never ever told you because I knew you were too good, too wonderful for me. All I could do was be grateful you were my friend.
I wasn't trying to manipulate you. I really wasn't. I was trying to apologize, trying to say good bye.
The only reason I'm not dead right now, is because I started thinking about you. I didn't want you to feel at all responsible. Because it was never your fault. You took care of me, were there for me. I know I couldn't be the friend I should have been. But I /tried/. For you, I tried as hard as I could. But in the end, that wasn't hard enough.
That night, after I sent the e-mail, all I could do was think about what I was about to do. Think about how few people would come to my funeral. Think about how you would be much better off without me weighing you down. And just as I was about to get up, having spent several hours lost in my thoughts... Mom came down the stairs. And no matter what else I am, I am not enough of a monster to kill myself in front of my mother. And she sent me to bed, and by morning... I had forgotten. The urge, the need to die was still there, but I had forgotten what I had done in the night.
So... Again... I'm so, so, so sorry. I love you. I really do. And I am sorry I hurt you, and I'm sorry that I never could be good enough for you. And I'm above all, sorry I'm sick and haven't been able to get better. Please, I wish you all the best in this world. I wish you every happiness, every joy and every love that you could possibly ever want. And please, please don't hate me...
And... on that note... Happy 18th Birthday to me.