Meh...
Well... life is sucking. Mom has insisted I keep on my new meds for at least another week, despite the horrible side affects. No one has returned any of my calls or e-mails, and I'm feeling very alone ;-; Insanely happy bubblegum pop has only helped a little bit... (Which is kinda sad, seeing as bubblegum pop is the happiest thing on the planet...)
I think the worst part is the alone. I can deal with most of the rest... But... I'm so bored! I can't get intrested in anything, not even reading. I just want my friends, badly. And none of them are here... I've been crying more lately, and I don't WANT to cry... It's just so hard to deal. I'm supposed to have all these friends, but no one ever calls (even though I know they have my number) no one ever e-mails (Even though I know they all have my e-mail address) no one ever wants to visit. It's like I don't exist. And that's my worst fear, to be invisible, to be all alone, to be there and have no one notice.
And I feel like it's my fault. It's my fault I'm sick, it's my fault I'm alone, it's my fault no one wants to spend time with me. Do I have a neon sign over my head with "avoid at all cost" on it? I know that it can be hard to be around me sometimes, but I can't help it! I just want a best friend, someone that will be there no matter what. I'm willing to do my half, but there's nothing on the other side of the equation.
I'm so confused, and I don't know what I'm confused about. Everything has been bothering me, the layout of my room, the color of my food, the texture of the carpet... I'm just hyper sensitive and I don't know how I'm supposed to cope with it. It would be so much easier if I could just cling to someone and cry it all out, but I don't have anyone to cling to.
Mom is always telling me to find a life line, something I can hold on to, to use to pull me up when I'm down, something to slow the beat of my internal pendulum... But I don't have anything... I'm all alone. The best friends I've ever known, I'm never going to meet, because they're miles away and offering comfort through the net... What am I supposed to do?
I think the worst part is the alone. I can deal with most of the rest... But... I'm so bored! I can't get intrested in anything, not even reading. I just want my friends, badly. And none of them are here... I've been crying more lately, and I don't WANT to cry... It's just so hard to deal. I'm supposed to have all these friends, but no one ever calls (even though I know they have my number) no one ever e-mails (Even though I know they all have my e-mail address) no one ever wants to visit. It's like I don't exist. And that's my worst fear, to be invisible, to be all alone, to be there and have no one notice.
And I feel like it's my fault. It's my fault I'm sick, it's my fault I'm alone, it's my fault no one wants to spend time with me. Do I have a neon sign over my head with "avoid at all cost" on it? I know that it can be hard to be around me sometimes, but I can't help it! I just want a best friend, someone that will be there no matter what. I'm willing to do my half, but there's nothing on the other side of the equation.
I'm so confused, and I don't know what I'm confused about. Everything has been bothering me, the layout of my room, the color of my food, the texture of the carpet... I'm just hyper sensitive and I don't know how I'm supposed to cope with it. It would be so much easier if I could just cling to someone and cry it all out, but I don't have anyone to cling to.
Mom is always telling me to find a life line, something I can hold on to, to use to pull me up when I'm down, something to slow the beat of my internal pendulum... But I don't have anything... I'm all alone. The best friends I've ever known, I'm never going to meet, because they're miles away and offering comfort through the net... What am I supposed to do?