I'm back!
Well, I just realized how long it's been since I last posted and I felt HORRIBLE! And I missed you guys... I will be posting at least once every couple of days from now on, so you'll get to hear all about how things are going. And now feel free to skip the rest of this as I'm to lazy put a cut right now...
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Let's see here... It's 12:12 AM and I have just realized how amazingly messed up my mind is. They upped my meds, added new meds and put me on 3 different supplements once they realized I wasn't eating. I'm not anorexic, eating just isn't something I remember to do anymore... I'm visiting four doctors on a regular basis and my parents are shelling out more money than I care to think about trying to make me better. And none of it's working. Outside, I've gotten better at pretending. I don't have break downs anymore, I don't cry and I don't scream. Inside? I keep getting worse. And no one can see it. I can't tell my friends. I used to try, so maybe they'd understand, but they thought I was joking. So, I hide in the library at school, and I try not to bother them. They'll be better off without me, right? I mean, I know I'm weird. But I try to be a harmless weird, something that'll make you think while you laugh. But part of the real me comes through sometimes... And I know as far as religion goes... I'm NOT Christian. I'm not really anything. The words I usually use are "Pagan" and "Wiccan" and people nodded and think they understand. They don't. And it's starting to hurt. Badly. I'm not changing. What I have works for me, but I can't help but feel like I'd be better friends with them if I did change...
What AM I? I keep asking that and I haven't found an answer. I care about my friends, but I feel like most of them don't care about me. I get the leavings, the left overs... And I can't say anything can I? Can't make my friends feel bad... I'm terrified of being left alone, of not having anyone...
I think as the more normal I try and be, the more I try and conform, the worse what's inside me gets. It hurts so, so much... the inadequacy, the fact that I can see what's really inside. Want to know a secret? Want to know why I love to dress up so much? It's so I can hide, so I can pretend not to be me, for just a little while...
Inside, I know what other people don't. That to become close to me is to become corrupted. My mom runs herself frantic trying to fix me, and the person I let closest, realized what I was and tried to tell everyone. But it didn't work did it? But what am I supposed to do? I've spent so long trying to be funny, thinking and saying things that other people didn't, that people don't realize when the mask comes off.
Here's the truth as I see it. I'm a monster. I'm ugly, I'm stupid and I'm corrupted. It'll be a lot better if everyone stays away. Maybe then I can die in peace, maybe then I can let myself go... Just remember that I love you all, every single one of you, and I wish you the best future this world or any other can give.
___________________
Let's see here... It's 12:12 AM and I have just realized how amazingly messed up my mind is. They upped my meds, added new meds and put me on 3 different supplements once they realized I wasn't eating. I'm not anorexic, eating just isn't something I remember to do anymore... I'm visiting four doctors on a regular basis and my parents are shelling out more money than I care to think about trying to make me better. And none of it's working. Outside, I've gotten better at pretending. I don't have break downs anymore, I don't cry and I don't scream. Inside? I keep getting worse. And no one can see it. I can't tell my friends. I used to try, so maybe they'd understand, but they thought I was joking. So, I hide in the library at school, and I try not to bother them. They'll be better off without me, right? I mean, I know I'm weird. But I try to be a harmless weird, something that'll make you think while you laugh. But part of the real me comes through sometimes... And I know as far as religion goes... I'm NOT Christian. I'm not really anything. The words I usually use are "Pagan" and "Wiccan" and people nodded and think they understand. They don't. And it's starting to hurt. Badly. I'm not changing. What I have works for me, but I can't help but feel like I'd be better friends with them if I did change...
What AM I? I keep asking that and I haven't found an answer. I care about my friends, but I feel like most of them don't care about me. I get the leavings, the left overs... And I can't say anything can I? Can't make my friends feel bad... I'm terrified of being left alone, of not having anyone...
I think as the more normal I try and be, the more I try and conform, the worse what's inside me gets. It hurts so, so much... the inadequacy, the fact that I can see what's really inside. Want to know a secret? Want to know why I love to dress up so much? It's so I can hide, so I can pretend not to be me, for just a little while...
Inside, I know what other people don't. That to become close to me is to become corrupted. My mom runs herself frantic trying to fix me, and the person I let closest, realized what I was and tried to tell everyone. But it didn't work did it? But what am I supposed to do? I've spent so long trying to be funny, thinking and saying things that other people didn't, that people don't realize when the mask comes off.
Here's the truth as I see it. I'm a monster. I'm ugly, I'm stupid and I'm corrupted. It'll be a lot better if everyone stays away. Maybe then I can die in peace, maybe then I can let myself go... Just remember that I love you all, every single one of you, and I wish you the best future this world or any other can give.