The Great Experiment: 1.1
Warnings: Bad language, toilet humour, graphical glitches :P
“Wow… what a rush…”
“Hey, my voice…”
The fallen figure begins to rise, and black eyes travel down its length.
“Oh, it worked! It actually worked!”
“Congratulations!” a voice rings out behind the character, “Now come on, it’s time for the final phase.”
“What the fuck??”
The youthful pair of legs bursts from the room as their owner seeks out any other forms of life, no matter who that may be.
“Hello? Guys?”
“Who’s that?”
The tanned teenager pauses on the landing, frowning at the young female voice filtering through the bathroom door. A young hand hovers uncertainly above the door handle as its owner wonders whether or not to enter. Eventually the figure does so, frowning at the sight of a stranger in the room.
It feels like I’m recovering from surgery. My mind is foggy, barely registering the sensations recorded by my body as I struggle to open my eyes.
As the life slowly trickles back into my fallen form, I become aware of a rough, hard surface below. I frown as I slowly start to pick myself up from the ground.
Sand? Why is there sand? Where am I?
As I rise to my feet, I wince as I become aware of throbbing in various places, some more intimate than others. My knees sting, as do my hands, most likely resulting from a harsh landing. There’s also soreness in places that I wasn’t aware existed, and my whole body feels strange. The minute I begin to dust myself down, I realise why.
“What the…?”
I pause abruptly in my actions as the surprise takes hold, and frantically study my new form to make sure I’m not imagining things.
No, I haven’t gone crazy. My voice is deeper, I have chest hair, and I now have delicate goods to look after. In fact, the way they were aching when I woke suggests just how badly I landed. Interestingly enough, I still have my tattoos - although given where and what a couple of them are, I doubt that’s such a good thing.
“Huh,” I remark as I finish my self-examination, “Wonder how that happened… Come to think of it, where am I?”
I’m at a loss as to whether or not this is a dream. At any rate, it would appear I’ve been dumped on some vast expanse of land with nothing more than a… tree?
“So, we get enough rain for plant life other than cacti to flourish?” I muse as I once more survey the landscape, “That’s promising at least. Civilisation too, even better… although there’s something familiar about this place.”
I tend to voice my thoughts a lot. It helps me think things through better.
“Okay, maybe wishful thinking…” I continue as I fumble in the pockets of my new jeans, a smile spreading across my face at finding what I was looking for.
“Beautiful!” I grin, “Now, let’s see if I can get hold of anyone I know…”
I wince as my ears are met with the harsh sounds of static. The numbers I try dialling are recognised, but it’s like the signal can’t get through. Which is strange, considering the display tells me it’s full strength. Even more worrying is the fact that it also says I’m connected to an unknown service.
“Great,” I mutter to myself as I look around, “Oh well, can’t stay here all day.”
My stinging legs carry me away from the barren land I’ve been unceremoniously thrown upon, and towards the houses fairly close by. Only problem is, I’ve jumped from one extreme to the other - I usually like the heat, but that of the wilderness is anything but enjoyable.
I’ve never been in a desert before, although I have endured the climate. It was when I was camping in the Czech Republic as I enjoyed the metal festival taking place there, and it happened to be a freak hot spell that brought scorching temperatures of thirty five centigrade, possibly more. We have experienced that kind of heat in Britain, but the moisture in the air that comes from being surrounded by water made it easier to bear. At the festival I wasn’t so lucky; it felt as though my skin was on fire every time I was in the sun, and that’s what it’s like now - I need some extra strength sunblock, and quick.
I approach who seems to be my next door neighbours, and decide to call on them to ask if they have any, and could I please borrow some - after explaining my predicament, of course. As I do so, however, my stomach lurches as I recognise the residence, especially as I spot the back garden area.
The obstacle course, the lookout tower… I don’t believe it.
“I’m in Strangetown??”
I look around in despair, which grows by the second as, one by one, I begin to recognise each of the buildings lining what can only be Road To Nowhere. It’s more built-up than I remember, but that’s beside the point.
“How the hell did I end up in Strangetown?!” I exclaim to myself as my mind races, “Strangetown’s a game neighbourhood! Have I been sucked into the game or something?”
I resist the urge to pace, as the heat bears down too strong. Instead I tap my finger against my lips as I continue to voice my thoughts.
“It certainly doesn’t feel like a game. I was in real pain when I came round, and sims don’t graze. On the other hand, here I am standing outside the Grunt household, and the Beaker mansion’s just a little way down the road.”
I sigh to myself as I try to make sense of the situation, but I’m already getting a headache just trying to.
“Okay,” I concede, “Strangetown’s set in America, like the other pre-made ‘hoods. Of all the versions I’ve been collecting, I only gave a setting to the story one, and that was Arizona. Maybe if I can have a word with these guys, I can find out whether I’m talking with bunches of pixels.”
“Who are you?” the tanned youth asks.
“I could ask you the same thing!” comes the reply.
“Come on, don’t mess me about,” the older girl challenges, before trailing off. She stares long and hard at her younger sister, her mouth opening in mounting shock as she begins to recognise the figure by the basin.
“You gotta be kidding me… You too??”
The eyes of the longer haired girl grow wide as it becomes apparent what has happened.
“Wow… Tank?”
“Not a word.”
“Hey, you look pretty cute!”
Tank scowls in reply as she crosses her arms.
“Shut up, Ripp.”
“No, I’m serious…”
“Whatever,” Tank dismisses with a wave of her hand. She then frowns as she studies her sister’s face.
“Where’d you get that make-up?”
“Found it in the bathroom,” Ripp shrugs, “Mom must’ve left some behind.”
Tank arches an eyebrow, before her eyes widen and she bolts from the bathroom.
“Dad!!”
Tank races down the stairs, followed by a now gleeful Ripp who is eager to see if this really has spread to everyone in the house.
“Dad?”
Tank gingerly taps on the door to their father’s bedroom, swallowing hard as a strange voice can be heard from within.
“Who’s there?”
“It’s Tank!” she soothes, “You okay?”
“Do I sound okay to you?!”
Ripp sniggers to herself, prompting a glare from her older sister.
“It’s not funny!”
“Oh, I think it’s hilarious!”
Tank shoots her one final warning glance before opening the door, and her face drops like a stone.
“Holy shit…”
The transgendered general relaxes as her small grey eyes study her children.
“You too?” she checks as she advances.
Tank gives a meek shrug in reply.
“Just when we thought Strangetown couldn’t get any stranger,” Buzz moans, “Those aliens have gone too far this time!”
“Da- erm, Mom,” Ripp protests, “You don’t know…”
The woman’s mouth opens in readiness to speak, but she is interrupted by a knocking on their front door.
No amount of talking to myself will answer the many questions running through my mind. However I’m more of a reserved character, so my heart races as I await an answer to my knocks, knowing who lives here. Still, better them than the Beaker place - at least I’m pretty sure the general would let me live.
As the door opens though, I have to hide my disbelief on the sight of Missy Grunt in the doorway.
At least that’s who this woman looks like. I did notice the strong resemblance while working with those two sims before, and now I see just how much Buzz takes after his mother.
“Hi,” I begin awkwardly, “I hope you can help me, I’m a little lost…”
The general eyes me up and down, before her narrow eyes peer at me inquisitively.
“You’re English,” she observes simply.
I smile a little at the remark; my South-eastern Anglican accent is pretty hard to miss. It soon slips when I speak again.
“Yeah,” I reply, “In fact last time I checked, I was still in England…”
“Last time you checked?” ‘Missy’ echoes, “How’d you end up in Nevada?”
Nevada? Oh boy… Either this is the unwritten location that Maxis gave this town, or I’m talking to flesh and blood. Just to complicate matters, the big bad general’s also had a sex change - who else has been affected like this?
“That’s a very good question,” I agree with a waving of my index finger, “I haven’t figured that part out yet, let alone how I ended up like this.”
“Like what?” she asks, her head tilted in intrigue.
“Believe it or not, I used to be a woman.”
Missy, as I’ve quickly begun to call her, steps aside as she holds the door open.
“You’d better come in,” she beckons, and as I enter she barks an order to her eldest to fetch a glass of water for their guest.
As I thank them and take a seat on the couch, the others flock around me like bees round a hive, their curiosity piqued by this stranger to their small town. The girl who I guess used to be Ripp plops down next to me, eager as ever to meet new folk.
“So what’s your name?” she asks.
I smile dryly as I give my reply.
“Well, it used to be Sarah,” I tell her, “Can’t exactly go by that name now. Might as well call me Sam.”
“Nice to meet you,” she greets, before cocking her head as the rest of my answer registers.
“You used to be female?” she checks, her already large eyes widening in what I know to be surprise. How I know that is best kept under wraps, though.
“Yeah,” I reply, opting to play dumb as I look among them, “What about you; did you all use to be guys?”
Tank scowls as she slumps into her seat, her arms folded.
“Yeah,” she grumbles.
Ripp giggles before speaking, seeming to enjoy this odd predicament. Of course, it could be she’s just delighting in a chance to wind up the other two.
“Aw come on, it’s not that bad!” she grins, “I make a hot chick, huh?”
You can say that again!
“You’re taking this far too well,” Missy accuses her.
“This isn’t everyone’s worst nightmare,” I tell her, “It’ll take some getting used to, but I’m quite cool with it.”
The girl next to me breaks into a fit of sniggers.
“Try writing your name in the sand, then get back to me!”
“Ripp!”
Missy ticks her off, but I just laugh. This all reminds me of an Insim contest I entered once, where you had to imagine yourself trapped in the game. There were three cycles and I entered the second; funnily enough the first round saw your self-sim getting a sex change. Talk in the related chat thread tempts me to ask if I’m allowed a stencil, but I decide to save that one for later.
“Ripp sounds pretty odd for a girl, don’t you think?” she responds, conveniently changing the subject, “Hm… Riley sounds better, I think.”
Missy arches an eyebrow in response.
“So what about you guys?” she asks, “If we’re gonna walk around as chicks, we need better names.”
“Well, hopefully it’s only temporary,” Tank supplies.
“Supposing it’s not?”
“Yeah, you’d love that wouldn’t you?!”
“Hey, I’m not fussy,” Riley winks, at which I giggle, “So c’mon, what’s it gonna be? Tanya?”
“Whatever.”
Missy gives a weak shrug as Riley turns to her.
“Oh, I don’t know,” she grumbles, “Might as well use Mom’s name, Dad always told me how much I look like her.”
I nod in acknowledgement, in more than one way as I ponder how to read this statement. I really am back at square one with these guys, it would seem; will have to chat with Riley at a later date to find out what their current situation is.
“You from London?” Riley asks me.
“Close,” I reply, “I’m from Brighton, a town about twenty miles down from there. I’ve moved around since, although I stayed in England,” I finish with a frown.
“Oh, cool,” she nods, “So how’d you end up here?”
“I don’t know,” I admit, “Last I knew, I was on my way to get a take-out.”
“Maybe you got abducted by aliens,” Tanya suggests.
My attention is diverted from her sister as I ponder the possibility. It sounds absurd, until I think how I’m now talking to gender-swapped versions of game characters. Plus, there’s the little fact that I found it a little painful to walk at first...
“Oh good God,” I whimper, my head thudding against the wall behind me.
I’ve never been stared at so hard in my life. Two pairs of blue eyes and one of grey bore into my soul as it transpires how I’d got from one side of the pond to the other. What happened in the meantime, though?
“How’s your ass?” Missy checks suspiciously.
“Better than it was, thanks,” I reply plaintively as my stomach turns over. This is getting more game-like by the minute.
“You got probed?” Riley checks, “Whoa…”
“Well, here’s the thing Ri- erm, Riley,” Tanya reminds her, “You know what happens to men who get probed, right?”
“Yeah, but he used to be a girl…”
“That’s just it,” Tanya continues, “When did he get probed? If all this happened before she changed to he, no problem, but otherwise…”
“Oh boy,” I groan to myself, before reminding the others I’m still sitting with them, “Look, I’ve got no home, unless you count that huge space just a few doors away home, but…”
“Tell you what,” Missy offers, “There’s no room to put you up here, but we can give you a kick-start of sorts. Enough to get a roof over your head - if what we think has happened has, you’ll need it.”
I give a little nod as I contemplate my future.
“Thanks,” I accept meekly, my head spinning.
Under any other circumstance I wouldn’t be so worried, but the prospect of building a home from scratch with nothing but pound notes changes everything. It’ll be hard enough living by myself, let alone bringing a little baby into the picture. Not to mention the problem of inhabiting a body that’s not designed to carry babies. I hadn’t been that bothered by the change before, even beginning to embrace it, but giving birth as a man is not my idea of fun at all. All I can now hope for is that either this change is temporary, or I’ve not been pollinated. I dread to think how I’ll manage otherwise.
“Wow… what a rush…”
“Hey, my voice…”
The fallen figure begins to rise, and black eyes travel down its length.
“Oh, it worked! It actually worked!”
“Congratulations!” a voice rings out behind the character, “Now come on, it’s time for the final phase.”
“What the fuck??”
The youthful pair of legs bursts from the room as their owner seeks out any other forms of life, no matter who that may be.
“Hello? Guys?”
“Who’s that?”
The tanned teenager pauses on the landing, frowning at the young female voice filtering through the bathroom door. A young hand hovers uncertainly above the door handle as its owner wonders whether or not to enter. Eventually the figure does so, frowning at the sight of a stranger in the room.
It feels like I’m recovering from surgery. My mind is foggy, barely registering the sensations recorded by my body as I struggle to open my eyes.
As the life slowly trickles back into my fallen form, I become aware of a rough, hard surface below. I frown as I slowly start to pick myself up from the ground.
Sand? Why is there sand? Where am I?
As I rise to my feet, I wince as I become aware of throbbing in various places, some more intimate than others. My knees sting, as do my hands, most likely resulting from a harsh landing. There’s also soreness in places that I wasn’t aware existed, and my whole body feels strange. The minute I begin to dust myself down, I realise why.
“What the…?”
I pause abruptly in my actions as the surprise takes hold, and frantically study my new form to make sure I’m not imagining things.
No, I haven’t gone crazy. My voice is deeper, I have chest hair, and I now have delicate goods to look after. In fact, the way they were aching when I woke suggests just how badly I landed. Interestingly enough, I still have my tattoos - although given where and what a couple of them are, I doubt that’s such a good thing.
“Huh,” I remark as I finish my self-examination, “Wonder how that happened… Come to think of it, where am I?”
I’m at a loss as to whether or not this is a dream. At any rate, it would appear I’ve been dumped on some vast expanse of land with nothing more than a… tree?
“So, we get enough rain for plant life other than cacti to flourish?” I muse as I once more survey the landscape, “That’s promising at least. Civilisation too, even better… although there’s something familiar about this place.”
I tend to voice my thoughts a lot. It helps me think things through better.
“Okay, maybe wishful thinking…” I continue as I fumble in the pockets of my new jeans, a smile spreading across my face at finding what I was looking for.
“Beautiful!” I grin, “Now, let’s see if I can get hold of anyone I know…”
I wince as my ears are met with the harsh sounds of static. The numbers I try dialling are recognised, but it’s like the signal can’t get through. Which is strange, considering the display tells me it’s full strength. Even more worrying is the fact that it also says I’m connected to an unknown service.
“Great,” I mutter to myself as I look around, “Oh well, can’t stay here all day.”
My stinging legs carry me away from the barren land I’ve been unceremoniously thrown upon, and towards the houses fairly close by. Only problem is, I’ve jumped from one extreme to the other - I usually like the heat, but that of the wilderness is anything but enjoyable.
I’ve never been in a desert before, although I have endured the climate. It was when I was camping in the Czech Republic as I enjoyed the metal festival taking place there, and it happened to be a freak hot spell that brought scorching temperatures of thirty five centigrade, possibly more. We have experienced that kind of heat in Britain, but the moisture in the air that comes from being surrounded by water made it easier to bear. At the festival I wasn’t so lucky; it felt as though my skin was on fire every time I was in the sun, and that’s what it’s like now - I need some extra strength sunblock, and quick.
I approach who seems to be my next door neighbours, and decide to call on them to ask if they have any, and could I please borrow some - after explaining my predicament, of course. As I do so, however, my stomach lurches as I recognise the residence, especially as I spot the back garden area.
The obstacle course, the lookout tower… I don’t believe it.
“I’m in Strangetown??”
I look around in despair, which grows by the second as, one by one, I begin to recognise each of the buildings lining what can only be Road To Nowhere. It’s more built-up than I remember, but that’s beside the point.
“How the hell did I end up in Strangetown?!” I exclaim to myself as my mind races, “Strangetown’s a game neighbourhood! Have I been sucked into the game or something?”
I resist the urge to pace, as the heat bears down too strong. Instead I tap my finger against my lips as I continue to voice my thoughts.
“It certainly doesn’t feel like a game. I was in real pain when I came round, and sims don’t graze. On the other hand, here I am standing outside the Grunt household, and the Beaker mansion’s just a little way down the road.”
I sigh to myself as I try to make sense of the situation, but I’m already getting a headache just trying to.
“Okay,” I concede, “Strangetown’s set in America, like the other pre-made ‘hoods. Of all the versions I’ve been collecting, I only gave a setting to the story one, and that was Arizona. Maybe if I can have a word with these guys, I can find out whether I’m talking with bunches of pixels.”
“Who are you?” the tanned youth asks.
“I could ask you the same thing!” comes the reply.
“Come on, don’t mess me about,” the older girl challenges, before trailing off. She stares long and hard at her younger sister, her mouth opening in mounting shock as she begins to recognise the figure by the basin.
“You gotta be kidding me… You too??”
The eyes of the longer haired girl grow wide as it becomes apparent what has happened.
“Wow… Tank?”
“Not a word.”
“Hey, you look pretty cute!”
Tank scowls in reply as she crosses her arms.
“Shut up, Ripp.”
“No, I’m serious…”
“Whatever,” Tank dismisses with a wave of her hand. She then frowns as she studies her sister’s face.
“Where’d you get that make-up?”
“Found it in the bathroom,” Ripp shrugs, “Mom must’ve left some behind.”
Tank arches an eyebrow, before her eyes widen and she bolts from the bathroom.
“Dad!!”
Tank races down the stairs, followed by a now gleeful Ripp who is eager to see if this really has spread to everyone in the house.
“Dad?”
Tank gingerly taps on the door to their father’s bedroom, swallowing hard as a strange voice can be heard from within.
“Who’s there?”
“It’s Tank!” she soothes, “You okay?”
“Do I sound okay to you?!”
Ripp sniggers to herself, prompting a glare from her older sister.
“It’s not funny!”
“Oh, I think it’s hilarious!”
Tank shoots her one final warning glance before opening the door, and her face drops like a stone.
“Holy shit…”
The transgendered general relaxes as her small grey eyes study her children.
“You too?” she checks as she advances.
Tank gives a meek shrug in reply.
“Just when we thought Strangetown couldn’t get any stranger,” Buzz moans, “Those aliens have gone too far this time!”
“Da- erm, Mom,” Ripp protests, “You don’t know…”
The woman’s mouth opens in readiness to speak, but she is interrupted by a knocking on their front door.
No amount of talking to myself will answer the many questions running through my mind. However I’m more of a reserved character, so my heart races as I await an answer to my knocks, knowing who lives here. Still, better them than the Beaker place - at least I’m pretty sure the general would let me live.
As the door opens though, I have to hide my disbelief on the sight of Missy Grunt in the doorway.
At least that’s who this woman looks like. I did notice the strong resemblance while working with those two sims before, and now I see just how much Buzz takes after his mother.
“Hi,” I begin awkwardly, “I hope you can help me, I’m a little lost…”
The general eyes me up and down, before her narrow eyes peer at me inquisitively.
“You’re English,” she observes simply.
I smile a little at the remark; my South-eastern Anglican accent is pretty hard to miss. It soon slips when I speak again.
“Yeah,” I reply, “In fact last time I checked, I was still in England…”
“Last time you checked?” ‘Missy’ echoes, “How’d you end up in Nevada?”
Nevada? Oh boy… Either this is the unwritten location that Maxis gave this town, or I’m talking to flesh and blood. Just to complicate matters, the big bad general’s also had a sex change - who else has been affected like this?
“That’s a very good question,” I agree with a waving of my index finger, “I haven’t figured that part out yet, let alone how I ended up like this.”
“Like what?” she asks, her head tilted in intrigue.
“Believe it or not, I used to be a woman.”
Missy, as I’ve quickly begun to call her, steps aside as she holds the door open.
“You’d better come in,” she beckons, and as I enter she barks an order to her eldest to fetch a glass of water for their guest.
As I thank them and take a seat on the couch, the others flock around me like bees round a hive, their curiosity piqued by this stranger to their small town. The girl who I guess used to be Ripp plops down next to me, eager as ever to meet new folk.
“So what’s your name?” she asks.
I smile dryly as I give my reply.
“Well, it used to be Sarah,” I tell her, “Can’t exactly go by that name now. Might as well call me Sam.”
“Nice to meet you,” she greets, before cocking her head as the rest of my answer registers.
“You used to be female?” she checks, her already large eyes widening in what I know to be surprise. How I know that is best kept under wraps, though.
“Yeah,” I reply, opting to play dumb as I look among them, “What about you; did you all use to be guys?”
Tank scowls as she slumps into her seat, her arms folded.
“Yeah,” she grumbles.
Ripp giggles before speaking, seeming to enjoy this odd predicament. Of course, it could be she’s just delighting in a chance to wind up the other two.
“Aw come on, it’s not that bad!” she grins, “I make a hot chick, huh?”
You can say that again!
“You’re taking this far too well,” Missy accuses her.
“This isn’t everyone’s worst nightmare,” I tell her, “It’ll take some getting used to, but I’m quite cool with it.”
The girl next to me breaks into a fit of sniggers.
“Try writing your name in the sand, then get back to me!”
“Ripp!”
Missy ticks her off, but I just laugh. This all reminds me of an Insim contest I entered once, where you had to imagine yourself trapped in the game. There were three cycles and I entered the second; funnily enough the first round saw your self-sim getting a sex change. Talk in the related chat thread tempts me to ask if I’m allowed a stencil, but I decide to save that one for later.
“Ripp sounds pretty odd for a girl, don’t you think?” she responds, conveniently changing the subject, “Hm… Riley sounds better, I think.”
Missy arches an eyebrow in response.
“So what about you guys?” she asks, “If we’re gonna walk around as chicks, we need better names.”
“Well, hopefully it’s only temporary,” Tank supplies.
“Supposing it’s not?”
“Yeah, you’d love that wouldn’t you?!”
“Hey, I’m not fussy,” Riley winks, at which I giggle, “So c’mon, what’s it gonna be? Tanya?”
“Whatever.”
Missy gives a weak shrug as Riley turns to her.
“Oh, I don’t know,” she grumbles, “Might as well use Mom’s name, Dad always told me how much I look like her.”
I nod in acknowledgement, in more than one way as I ponder how to read this statement. I really am back at square one with these guys, it would seem; will have to chat with Riley at a later date to find out what their current situation is.
“You from London?” Riley asks me.
“Close,” I reply, “I’m from Brighton, a town about twenty miles down from there. I’ve moved around since, although I stayed in England,” I finish with a frown.
“Oh, cool,” she nods, “So how’d you end up here?”
“I don’t know,” I admit, “Last I knew, I was on my way to get a take-out.”
“Maybe you got abducted by aliens,” Tanya suggests.
My attention is diverted from her sister as I ponder the possibility. It sounds absurd, until I think how I’m now talking to gender-swapped versions of game characters. Plus, there’s the little fact that I found it a little painful to walk at first...
“Oh good God,” I whimper, my head thudding against the wall behind me.
I’ve never been stared at so hard in my life. Two pairs of blue eyes and one of grey bore into my soul as it transpires how I’d got from one side of the pond to the other. What happened in the meantime, though?
“How’s your ass?” Missy checks suspiciously.
“Better than it was, thanks,” I reply plaintively as my stomach turns over. This is getting more game-like by the minute.
“You got probed?” Riley checks, “Whoa…”
“Well, here’s the thing Ri- erm, Riley,” Tanya reminds her, “You know what happens to men who get probed, right?”
“Yeah, but he used to be a girl…”
“That’s just it,” Tanya continues, “When did he get probed? If all this happened before she changed to he, no problem, but otherwise…”
“Oh boy,” I groan to myself, before reminding the others I’m still sitting with them, “Look, I’ve got no home, unless you count that huge space just a few doors away home, but…”
“Tell you what,” Missy offers, “There’s no room to put you up here, but we can give you a kick-start of sorts. Enough to get a roof over your head - if what we think has happened has, you’ll need it.”
I give a little nod as I contemplate my future.
“Thanks,” I accept meekly, my head spinning.
Under any other circumstance I wouldn’t be so worried, but the prospect of building a home from scratch with nothing but pound notes changes everything. It’ll be hard enough living by myself, let alone bringing a little baby into the picture. Not to mention the problem of inhabiting a body that’s not designed to carry babies. I hadn’t been that bothered by the change before, even beginning to embrace it, but giving birth as a man is not my idea of fun at all. All I can now hope for is that either this change is temporary, or I’ve not been pollinated. I dread to think how I’ll manage otherwise.