Chapter 6
It’s one of those moments in life, when you could use one of those placards reading “HELP!!” to hold above your head. How the hell did this happen, anyways? Was I that careless even then? If so, why did none of my friends say anything? Were they just being polite? What on Earth was going through their heads if I’d slipped up so far back?!
Johnny said she’d asked him outright - something she should’ve asked earlier? When did she notice? When did his parents? How long had he buried his head in the sand before I met him? It was a while before I saw it, but it was there, in his touch, his eyes… and now this. A real chance to get with him… no wonder Tank guessed. How could I have been so stupid??
As Ripp’s mind continued to race, he jumped at the touch of a tanned hand when it rested on his shoulder.
“As much as you probably don’t want to right now,” Tank said softly to him, “We gotta go to class.”
“Yeah, you’re right,” Ripp half-spoke, half-gasped in reply, “I don’t want to.”
Tank nursed his shoulder, before pulling him into a much needed embrace.
“How the hell can I face them?” Ripp whimpered as he clung to him, “All this time they’ve known, and now…”
“Sshh,” Tank soothed as he held him, “We can talk about that later, huh?”
Things weren’t much better in the next classroom. Johnny was heavily distracted as he pondered the events leading up to this afternoon, the words of the teacher fading into the background as his own thoughts ran wild through his mind.
I feel awful… all this time I thought I loved her, and it’s all been a lie… my only blessing is that it happened before I got engaged or had kids, but I’ve still hurt people; Ophelia by stringing her along, and Ripp - how long has he had the hots for me? It’s so damn obvious now I think about it, and to make matters worse…
“Johnny!”
The harsh calling of his name pulled him from his musings back into the classroom, blinking in surprise as he traced the sound to the teacher.
“Hmm? What?”
“I asked you a question!”
He did?
“Sorry, must’ve missed it…”
“In your own little world, I know…!”
As much as his teacher was entitled to feel annoyed that his lesson was being ignored, Johnny by now had had enough.
“Hey buddy, if you fancy trading heads you’re more than welcome,” he snapped, “I got a lot going on just from today, gimme a break, huh?”
The brothers entered their own room, unintentionally disrupting the class as their fellow students glanced up at them.
“Lesson started five minutes ago,” the teacher told them, his voice carrying a sarcastic tone.
“Five minutes ago he was a mess,” Tank defended, “He needed some time to cool down.”
“Five minutes later he’s still a mess,” Ripp grumbled as he took his seat, his head sinking into his hands to avoid the accusing eyes of his classmates. Even without being able to see them, he could feel their contempt and their mocking sniggers as he tried valiantly to blot them out.
“Just let the day end,” he whined under his breath.
His wish seemed to take forever to be granted, but before either of them knew it they were safely back home, in the loving embrace of the waiting cushions.
“Thank God Dad’s not here yet,” Tank observed, “Or Buck.”
“Should be grateful for small mercies I guess,” Ripp moaned, leaning back with his head propped against the wall, “Damn, what a mess!”
Tank let him stew for a moment, before interrupting his train of thought.
“Okay, shall we start from the beginning?” he hinted, “I have a lot of catching up to do, it seems.”
“Yeah,” Ripp sighed, “I just couldn’t say anything before, you would’ve killed me… I’m surprised you’re calm even now, if I’m honest.”
“I’m sick of hating,” he explained wearily, “Writing that piece helped a lot, ‘specially after that talk we had.”
“Yeah, thought it might.”
“So when did you know you like guys?”
“I was about ten years old,” he replied, “While you were playing sports, I was playing kiss-chase with a group of kids in the playground. Without thinking I went after the boys instead of the girls. Teacher pulled me up on it and sent me to the Principal’s office - I thought I was in trouble, but it was him who explained this whole ‘being gay’ thing, as well as he could to a ten year old.”
“Wow,” Tank remarked, “So all this time…?”
“All this time I’ve been lying through my teeth to everyone,” Ripp agreed bitterly, “And biting my tongue whenever His Lordship started mouthing off about gay men, how ‘no son of mine is queer’, and all that shit…”
Tank hung his head in disappointment as their father’s words drifted through his memories. He was so close to going the same way too, the only thing stopping him on this was his reserved attitude towards love in general. He was only now beginning to break through that as well as everything else.
“I know,” he agreed, looking across at him, “No wonder you hate him so much…”
“Oh come on,” Ripp bit, “That ain’t the only reason, you know that as well as I do.”
“Look,” Tank explained, “I don’t like the way he favours me any more than you do - I know I never said anything, and I regret that…”
“Dad was never a fan of talking about your feelings,” Ripp reminded, “But you’re not Dad, and thankfully now you’ve realised you have your own mind.”
“That came out in my homework,” he admitted, leaning forwards as he allowed his true emotion to bubble forth, “How he wanted me to be just like him… how I felt suppressed because of that, this little person inside screaming to be let out; ‘I don’t wanna hate anymore, let me love…’”
Ripp’s heart cracked open at his brother’s strong words. Never before had there been any inkling that he was hurting so badly, and now Ripp’s own problems faded into insignificance.
“I had no idea,” he uttered, “I wish you’d felt able to tell me this…”
“So do I,” came the simple reply, before Ripp pulled him into his arms.
“Hey,” Peter greeted as his son came into view, although his smile faded as he noted the sullen manner in which he tossed his bag aside and crashed into the sofa. He sat by him with a look of concern as he laid a hand on his shoulder.
“What’s wrong?”
“I’ve been so stupid!” he wailed, “I should’ve listened when you said something was wrong…”
“What do you mean?”
“I’m gay, Dad,” he confessed, “You knew and tried to tell me, so did Mom, even Ophelia knew! How long she’d wondered before saying anything I dread to think…”
“Oh Johnny,” his father muttered as he pulled him into an embrace.
Ophelia sighed to herself as she cast her bag to the floor, nursing her brow as she made for the kitchen.
“Hey Philly,” her aunt Olive greeted as she reached for the fridge, but frowned at her demeanour. “Something wrong?”
Ophelia propped herself against the counter as she opened her can of soda, a dry smile tugging at her lips.
“It had been for a while,” she explained, “He finally found that out this morning.”
Knowing instantly what she was referring to, she also turned serious as she faced her.
“You should have said something to him,” Olive told her, but her niece shook her head as she swallowed a mouthful of sparkling liquid.
“No good shoving something like that in front of him before he’s ready to see it,” she said, “He’d been denying it for… well, forever, it’d just have caused a fight.”
“Why’d you go along with it though?”
“I dunno,” she admitted, taking a few sips while pondering the question, “Weren’t so obvious at first, but as time went on, it became so plain I started kicking myself for not seeing it earlier. Guess by then I just wanted to keep the peace.”
Olive slowly shook her head in dismay.
“I know,” Ophelia agreed sadly.
“I thought it strange he weren’t so affectionate,” she mused.
“That was one of the signs,” she said, “Not as clear as others…”
“Like what?”
She merely shrugged in reply, wondering whether or not to bring yet more misgivings into the picture. Instead she began to use the upcoming festival as a distraction, a plot starting to form in her head.
“Listen,” Peter consoled, “None of this is your fault, don’t go blaming yourself…”
“I should’ve listened,” Johnny whimpered, “Instead I string along this nice girl and this other guy…”
“You mean Ripp?”
Johnny looked up at his father questioningly. “Go on,” he challenged, “Tell me you knew about him too!?”
“I noticed the way he’d look at you, yes,” he observed, “He may have tried to hide it of course, but…”
The teenager cradled his head in his hand, still trying to process the vast influx of information that had hit him earlier in the day.
“We had a talk today,” he explained, “He was giving me some advice from what he’d learned himself…”
“It was probably when I gave him a hug,” Ripp recalled, “That’s when I blew my cover - the tension in the air by then was unbearable.”
“Yeah, I could tell,” Tank agreed, “Thought it was a little too close for a friendly hug.”
“Bet everyone else thought so too,” Ripp grumbled, leaning forward as he slipped back into the reverie Tank had beckoned him into, in his bid to delve deeper into his brother’s mind. “It was the most amazing feeling though, to hold him so close, knowing that this time there’s a chance for something to happen… I wanted so badly to kiss him.”
“You love him, don’t you?”
The younger boy slowly nodded in reply as he straightened up in his seat.
“Tried to pass it off as a crush at first,” he said, “But a crush doesn’t eat away at you every time you so much as think about him…”
“Mm,” Tank mused, his mind beginning to wander, “Still got a way to go before that happens, I guess.”
“Oh yeah,” Ripp began, bringing the subject once more back to his brother, “When did you start liking her like this?”
“Dunno,” he shrugged, “Guess a lot of it was envy, but seeing her about…” A smile played upon his face as he continued. “She just… seems so nice…”
Ripp grinned as the dark clouds lifted from them both, playfully nudging his knee as he chuckled.
“Aaww,” he beamed, “She is nice, that’s why we’re friends.”
Tank’s smile grew a little wider, before he noticed the sparkle in his brother’s eyes as he quietly leaned back against the rest.
“I smell smoke,” he stated ironically, “What’re you planning?!”
“Ah, wouldn’t you like to know?!” came the enigmatic reply as he heartily slapped his brother’s leg.
After bringing his father up to speed on the day’s dark events, a ray of light parted the clouds as Johnny remembered there was a brighter side that he’d neglected to mention so far.
“Oh hey!” he exclaimed, clapping his hands in glee as he straightened up in his seat, “Nearly forgot…”
“Oh?”
Johnny turned to his father, his eyes aglow as a broad grin took hold of his mouth.
“One big reason that guy’s so amazing,” he explained, “You’ll never believe what he did to Tank…”
“You sure about this?” Olive checked.
“Very sure,” Ophelia smiled fondly, “I owe it to them both, should’ve done it months ago.”
“What about you?”
“You let me worry about that,” came the reply, “I’ll find my way soon enough.”