Spewing - lots of crap, not alot of substance
Miriam Engelberg died last week. No, you didn't know her and neither did I. And that's a damn shame. She was the author of an autobiographical comic called "Cancer Made Me a Shallower Person". Her stuff is grim humor and may not be to everyone's taste - it's not the bright, happy, warm fuzzy stuff of cancer survivorship; it is the deep, ugly, scary stuff of living with cancer. http://www.miriamengelberg.com/ One of her comics shows a woman complimenting Miriam on her new hairstyle. Miriam replies "Chemo gave me this hair style". I swear - I had the same thing happen to me at an event this summer. Somebody came up to me and said "Duva! What did you do to your pretty blonde hair?" I replied "I did nothing, chemo did this!" Miriam's comics are about the reality of cancer. In one of her interviews she stated that she wanted to live long enough to see who won Project Runway. Miriam died on Tuesday and the final episode ran on Wednesday night. I bet she knows that Jeffrey won.
I am living with cancer and truth be known, it is no frigging fun. I've had more fun plucking my numerous gray pubic hairs before chemo made them a non-issue. One would think that since I don't have the hassle of getting up each day and going to work, I would be at least having lots of fun. Sadly, that is not the case and if you ever thought you might be a wee bit jealous of somebody who was not working due to disability, you really need to rethink that.
I read some cancer blogs and just like my blog, they are perky and upbeat in most instances. I've read some blog entries that state "Cancer has made me a better person" and think WTF???????? Was this person an ax murderer before they were diagnosed and now being a "cancer patient" is a better job description????? BLERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Obviously, I don't relate - cancer has NOT made me a better person. In fact, I was a pretty fine person BEFORE I had cancer. Just because I have a finite number of days doesn't mean that I automatically appreciate each sunrise/sunset more. Just because my clock is ticking down doesn't mean that I have this peaceful, zen-like aura. Just because I am still breathing does mean that I have this newfound appreciation of life when it is time to pay my house taxes.
It doesn't work like that at all. In fact, it works just the opposite. Since I have been diagnosed, my practically unlimited reserve of patience has run very, very low. I am not tolerating fools and drama at all and I've become much firmer in determining the definition of those words in my life. I've become less willing to sit around and talk about doing stuff. I don't want to debate, belabor and/or nitpick stuff to death - let's just do it and if it is screwed up, oh well - at least we tried something and did something, other than just flap our jaws. When somebody says to me "I am going to..........................", I no longer respond with "Oh that's a great idea!". My response now is "WHEN??????"
Cancer has made me a shallower person - I don't want talk, I don't want to hear about the "big picture" - I want action now. Don't try to seduce me with your words and dreams - the only way to this woman's heart is through action. I've always been a "Walk your walk" person and cancer has made me banish the folks in my life that were just "talking the talk".
Then there are the folks that inquire "Did you smoke?" upon learning that I have lung cancer. When I reply that I did, they get "the look" which silently states "Well, she smoked, so what did she expect?" Lung cancer is a socially unacceptable cancer because smokers are socially unacceptable. Of course, nobody wants to talk about the hundred of thousands of people who quit smoking years and years ago and still get cancer. Or the hundred of thousands of people who NEVER smoked and still got lung cancer, like Dana Reeve. Lung cancer is no longer JUST a smoker's disease 10-15% of the those newly diagnosed with lung cancer have never smoked http://www.lungcanceralliance.org/facing/facts.html
Lung cancer is a disease, not a punishment.
Since my diagnosis I have experienced many of what I call "The Comedy of Cancer" moments. Some of them have made me roll my eyes all the way to the back of my head a la Linda Blair in the Exorcist. A few months ago one of my friends wanted to talk to me about her feelings of grief and distress about how my life has changed since I was diagnosed. Basically, she wanted ME to comfort HER about MY illness! Oy vey! I had to point her in the direction of another one of our friends for the comfort that she needed. There was no way I could give it to her, since I was dealing with my *O*W*N* grief and distress.
Then there are folks who inquire "How ARE you?" A vast majority of these people did not acknowledge my existence until I for many years and were at best, very casual acquaintances, really just somebody that I happen to know. When I would respond "Oh, I am doing well", they would continue to inquire "No, REALLY how ARE you??" Ah, I understand, they want all the gory details about my disease, treatment and diagnosis. At this point I have a choice - I can give them all the details and get some unwanted sympathy or I can just be honest. Honesty *I*S* this best policy and I kindly state that I AM fine and that I am just not comfortable about discussing my medical stuff. In quite a few instances the person has been put-out. One walked away after stating "Well you don't look so good and I heard you were dying!" Another Oy vey moment.
Recently another acquaintance inquired what Artgeek was going to do with all my SCA garb and stuff when I died. HUH???? Because I was so surprised, I had no response. An offer was made to "take all that stuff off their hands and deal with it". Finally I said that Artgeek would deal with it herself. She knows many of my SCA friends and I figure somebody will help her.
Another "Oy vey" moment.
BUT WAIT A MINUTE!!!!!!
You REALLY think Artgeek is going to GIVE AWAY my stuff???????? Don't you think she is going to keep every single thing that I ever owned or touched??? Isn't that why I have been saving all my nail clippings?????? And folks, this is no easy feat, since chemotherapy makes your nails grow oh so very slowly.
Oh no - what about the shrine of HL Duva dea Pullae in my newly painted and decorated back room??? Isn't the future shrine the reason for this huge home improvement project????? Won't there be a procession from all the compass points of Florida????? Aren't all my friends going to make a pilgrimage to Pasco County to pay homage and lay gifts at the altar???? Won't all my Laurel friends assist crafty ArtGeek to make this altar pretty, practical, and period? Need any shrine gift suggestions? compass_rose and flaming_mo are the experts in Catholic kitsch and I am sure that they will help you make a beautiful contribution to the altar.
Oh, I am silly.
People are sometimes clueless and hurtful. Cancer patients need understanding and a shoulder to lean on, not the Inquisition or to have sunshine blown up their butt. They also need to be taken with a great deal of humor too.
I am rambling and spewing quite well today. I am very pleased with myself.
I am living with cancer and truth be known, it is no frigging fun. I've had more fun plucking my numerous gray pubic hairs before chemo made them a non-issue. One would think that since I don't have the hassle of getting up each day and going to work, I would be at least having lots of fun. Sadly, that is not the case and if you ever thought you might be a wee bit jealous of somebody who was not working due to disability, you really need to rethink that.
I read some cancer blogs and just like my blog, they are perky and upbeat in most instances. I've read some blog entries that state "Cancer has made me a better person" and think WTF???????? Was this person an ax murderer before they were diagnosed and now being a "cancer patient" is a better job description????? BLERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Obviously, I don't relate - cancer has NOT made me a better person. In fact, I was a pretty fine person BEFORE I had cancer. Just because I have a finite number of days doesn't mean that I automatically appreciate each sunrise/sunset more. Just because my clock is ticking down doesn't mean that I have this peaceful, zen-like aura. Just because I am still breathing does mean that I have this newfound appreciation of life when it is time to pay my house taxes.
It doesn't work like that at all. In fact, it works just the opposite. Since I have been diagnosed, my practically unlimited reserve of patience has run very, very low. I am not tolerating fools and drama at all and I've become much firmer in determining the definition of those words in my life. I've become less willing to sit around and talk about doing stuff. I don't want to debate, belabor and/or nitpick stuff to death - let's just do it and if it is screwed up, oh well - at least we tried something and did something, other than just flap our jaws. When somebody says to me "I am going to..........................", I no longer respond with "Oh that's a great idea!". My response now is "WHEN??????"
Cancer has made me a shallower person - I don't want talk, I don't want to hear about the "big picture" - I want action now. Don't try to seduce me with your words and dreams - the only way to this woman's heart is through action. I've always been a "Walk your walk" person and cancer has made me banish the folks in my life that were just "talking the talk".
Then there are the folks that inquire "Did you smoke?" upon learning that I have lung cancer. When I reply that I did, they get "the look" which silently states "Well, she smoked, so what did she expect?" Lung cancer is a socially unacceptable cancer because smokers are socially unacceptable. Of course, nobody wants to talk about the hundred of thousands of people who quit smoking years and years ago and still get cancer. Or the hundred of thousands of people who NEVER smoked and still got lung cancer, like Dana Reeve. Lung cancer is no longer JUST a smoker's disease 10-15% of the those newly diagnosed with lung cancer have never smoked http://www.lungcanceralliance.org/facing/facts.html
Lung cancer is a disease, not a punishment.
Since my diagnosis I have experienced many of what I call "The Comedy of Cancer" moments. Some of them have made me roll my eyes all the way to the back of my head a la Linda Blair in the Exorcist. A few months ago one of my friends wanted to talk to me about her feelings of grief and distress about how my life has changed since I was diagnosed. Basically, she wanted ME to comfort HER about MY illness! Oy vey! I had to point her in the direction of another one of our friends for the comfort that she needed. There was no way I could give it to her, since I was dealing with my *O*W*N* grief and distress.
Then there are folks who inquire "How ARE you?" A vast majority of these people did not acknowledge my existence until I for many years and were at best, very casual acquaintances, really just somebody that I happen to know. When I would respond "Oh, I am doing well", they would continue to inquire "No, REALLY how ARE you??" Ah, I understand, they want all the gory details about my disease, treatment and diagnosis. At this point I have a choice - I can give them all the details and get some unwanted sympathy or I can just be honest. Honesty *I*S* this best policy and I kindly state that I AM fine and that I am just not comfortable about discussing my medical stuff. In quite a few instances the person has been put-out. One walked away after stating "Well you don't look so good and I heard you were dying!" Another Oy vey moment.
Recently another acquaintance inquired what Artgeek was going to do with all my SCA garb and stuff when I died. HUH???? Because I was so surprised, I had no response. An offer was made to "take all that stuff off their hands and deal with it". Finally I said that Artgeek would deal with it herself. She knows many of my SCA friends and I figure somebody will help her.
Another "Oy vey" moment.
BUT WAIT A MINUTE!!!!!!
You REALLY think Artgeek is going to GIVE AWAY my stuff???????? Don't you think she is going to keep every single thing that I ever owned or touched??? Isn't that why I have been saving all my nail clippings?????? And folks, this is no easy feat, since chemotherapy makes your nails grow oh so very slowly.
Oh no - what about the shrine of HL Duva dea Pullae in my newly painted and decorated back room??? Isn't the future shrine the reason for this huge home improvement project????? Won't there be a procession from all the compass points of Florida????? Aren't all my friends going to make a pilgrimage to Pasco County to pay homage and lay gifts at the altar???? Won't all my Laurel friends assist crafty ArtGeek to make this altar pretty, practical, and period? Need any shrine gift suggestions? compass_rose and flaming_mo are the experts in Catholic kitsch and I am sure that they will help you make a beautiful contribution to the altar.
Oh, I am silly.
People are sometimes clueless and hurtful. Cancer patients need understanding and a shoulder to lean on, not the Inquisition or to have sunshine blown up their butt. They also need to be taken with a great deal of humor too.
I am rambling and spewing quite well today. I am very pleased with myself.