Birthday fic!
Finally, I got something accomplished on my list of outstanding things to get done!
TITLE - Tea and Cake
AUTHOR - Sache8
RATING - PGish
GENRE - Romance
SUMMARY - An unlikely match. SG-1, Season 9 AU. Birthday fic for melyanna.
DISCLAIMER - Stargate doesn't belong to me, but Crack!Ships belong to us all. Also, there may be typos.
Tea and Cake
by Sache8
Daniel went to Atlantis. He made his case to the IOA, the congressional committee, the President, everyone he could think of. He pointed out that he was the world’s foremost expert on the Ancients. He would be more useful in Pegasus, where the expedition was still at war with the Wraith. With the threat of the Goa’uld gone, there was little more that Jack could do to justify keeping him in the Milky Way. It was a conspiracy against Jack, and Daniel won.
Jack lasted about a week with Daniel’s replacement before a new opening for a socio-political nerd 'miraculously' became available at the SGC. Between endless interviews with scientists and trying to curb the exuberance of SG-1’s newly christened commander, Lieutenant Colonel Cameron Mitchell, Jack almost turned in his General’s stars on more than one occasion.
It wasn’t until the Mal Doran woman invaded the base that things had finally changed, but Jack wasn’t really sure this had been cause for a celebration. Vala had forced his hand, yes, but she was a cure for his problem the way a hurricane would be a solution to the doldrums. He shouldn’t have even allowed her to come to Earth, but he was so bored he hadn’t been able to resist.
After quite a lot of pouting about not finding Daniel on the base, the ostentatious young woman had gone ahead with her proposal, that being to find some long-lost treasure supposedly hidden on Earth. Jack had been lost in thought, trying to imagine ways he could safely tell her no, when without warning she’d slapped a gold bracelet around his wrist and he’d found himself victim of the most bizarre hostage situation in the history of Stargate Command.
Outside help was required, and fast. He briefly considered calling Daniel home, but the thought of needing a trans-galactic rescue from such an embarrassing situation did not appeal very highly to him. Then Doctor Lee had casually commented that Doctor Sarah Gardner had been sequestered on the Antarctica base for the past two years, studying up extensively on Ancient history and technology.
Jack called her, and she came. She translated Vala’s tablet. Probably not as quickly as Daniel would have done, but in the end they found a secret chamber under some old hill in England and Jack nearly killed Vala Mal Doran after a booby trap almost squished them alive together, and Mitchell had fought a holographic knight with a holographic sword, and they found a whole bunch of shiny treasure. They also found a shiny new Ancient toy which Jack decided not to tell Daniel about at the moment. It was sent to Area 51.
Through a combination of tactics, ranging from charming to practical to pleading, Jack and Mitchell managed, between them, to convince the reticent Doctor Gardner to join SG-1. It was undoubtedly the salvation of Jack’s sanity.
That was how Sarah Gardner finally returned to Stargate Command.
There was a quiet knock at the door. “General?”
Jack looked up. The door was actually already open, which meant that Sarah had in fact knocked on the wall beside it. “Doctor Gardner, come on in,” he said, waving. He closed the mission report folder with relish. “You know, they could probably start using these geological surveys in hospitals instead of sedatives.”
“Oh, I don’t know. I’ve been told that the tax code could probably give geology a run for its money,” Sarah said with a smile as she took her seat.
“By whom?”
“My brother.”
“Bean counter?”
“Worse. A British bean counter.” She held up a folder of her own. “I brought the first of those translations you asked for.”
Jack accepted it stoically. “Are you sure I asked for them? That doesn’t sound like me.”
“I believe it fell under the general heading of ‘all that analytical stuff you scientists usually do.’ Which is the express order you used to conclude our last briefing.”
“Gotcha. So what am I looking at?” he asked as he opened the folder.
She indicated her report with a graceful hand. “It’s all there, general. I believe the artifact was an altar used for the worship of Heru’ur. By all indications, it seems the native population kept up the worship for several centuries after he had abandoned the planet.”
Jack pushed aside the neatly-typed report on top of the stack of paper to glance at the photographs underneath. “Incredible,” he muttered, not insincerely.
Sarah seemed puzzled. “You really think so?” she asked skeptically.
He looked up. “Oh, no, I was just marveling at how calmly and concisely you summed that up. And how lacking it was in the insistence that we go back and set up a ten-week excavation of the surrounding area.”
Sarah’s eyes crinkled together as she smiled. “That doesn’t sound like anyone I know," she said, rolling her eyes to the ceiling. "Although if the SGC were to decide undertake such a project, you know I would be the last to object.”
“Ha. So you are one of them,” he said as he closed the folder and made to hand it back to her.
“Guilty as charged. That’s your copy.”
“Friendly reminder, is it?”
“No, I believe it’s called the standard protocol for paperwork. Besides, what kind of time do I have for excavations?” She sighed. “Colonel Mitchell is so excited about going through the Stargate that we can barely breathe the atmosphere of one planet before he’s ready to see the next one.”
“Maybe he’ll calm down a bit when he finally realizes that most of them look like Canada.”
A new sound from outside the corridor distracted Sarah from any quip she may have made in response. Both of them turned their heads to the door just in time to see Vala Mal Doran walk by bouncing a paddle ball with expert precision and humming incessantly to herself.
When she was out of sight, Sarah turned back to Jack. “I thought the effect of the bracelets was wearing off?”
“It is. It will probably be a couple more days.”
“What exactly is she doing?”
“She’s trying to annoy me into taking her offworld.”
“I see. Is it working?”
“Nope.”
“That’s what you think!” called a disembodied voice from further down the hall.
Jack rolled his eyes. Sarah laughed, and he glared at her.
“Tell you what,” she said, getting to her feet. “I’m done working for the evening. How about I try and distract her? It’s the least I could do, one ex-host to another. I bet she’d be really good at darts.”
“Sharp, aerodynamic objects wouldn’t be my first choice, but be my guest. If it works, I’ll owe you one.”
“Hmmn. Now that would be an intriguing debt to redeem.”
It was a couple of weeks after the skirmish with the Lucian Alliance, and the lack of Vala on the base almost had Jack's ears ringing from the quiet. He wasn't about to complain, though. He knew there were forces of fate that hovered over his head with constant attention, just waiting for him to open his big fat mouth and extend them an invitation to unleash their worst.
At some point during the day, Walter had commented that there was spice cake with cream cheese icing in the commissary. Jack had been trying to get to there ever since, but the aforementioned fates had been doing their best to test his patience. First, SG-5 had failed to report in at their scheduled time, which meant a couple hours of protocols to follow until they found out it was merely bad weather interfering with the radio signals. Then Doctor Lee had blown something up -- again -- which reinforced Jack's opinion that the man should just change his name to one of any character Rick Moranis had ever played. Right after that SG-1 had come in hot after running into an unexpected hostile Jaffa patrol while exploring PX2-775. While Doctor Lam patched up his severely bruised ribs, Colonel Mitchell had complained loudly about how it was getting difficult to tell the good guys from the bad guys.
But now, finally, all was quiet. It was quite late. After turning off all the lights in the office and locking the door, Jack headed as nonchalantly as possible up to the commissary to see if the cook had taken pity on him and held back a piece of cake.
Half the lights in the commissary were off when he arrived, and the room's only occupant was a mess of blond curls snoring lightly at the far corner table. Jack paused to stare, momentarily distracted from his mission. A small smile twitched on his lips as he better realized what he was looking at. Sarah Gardner was sound asleep with her head atop a pile of folders spread haphazardly all over the table.
Curious as to what might happen, he reached over and flicked on the rest of the lights.
She jerked awake, knocking three of the folders to the floor, and looked about her with bewilderment, blinking up at the lights with accusation before she finally caught sight of Jack standing in the doorway. "Good morning," he said.
"General, she mumbled, and pushed a piece of hair out of her face. There was a reddish imprint of her sleeve there and Jack was forced to bite back another chuckle. "What time is it?" she asked, as she began gathering her folders together.
"Relax, it's only just before midnight," he assured her. He walked across the room, picked up the three wayward folders from the floor, and handed them back to her. She accepted them with quiet thanks, still seeming out of sorts. "Long day?" he asked.
"Mmmn, yes. Well, obviously you know about the Jaffa. I'm afraid I'm still not quite up to par for those kinds of missions. At least not physically."
"How's the hand?" he asked She'd scraped the back of her left hand pretty badly in the escape effort.
She held it up for his benefit. It was tidily bandaged. "A little sore, but I don't have to stay overnight, so you won't hear me complaining."
"And yet, here you are," he said with raised eyebrows, looking around the commissary.
She blushed with embarrassment. "Yes. Pathetic, isn't it? I don't even have a cat to go home to so I usually just stick around to eat dinner. I have plenty of friends here. Of course, they're the ones who left me here asleep. I can't believe they did that!"
"Well, you did look pretty comfortable. I almost didn't want to wake you up myself." Jack glanced over at the counter and gave a triumphant smirk. "Aha," he said satisfactorily. A huge slice of cake was sitting alone on a paper plate and covered in cellophane. Beside it was a makeshift placard with large black letters in permanent marker: "FOR GENERAL O'NEILL. DO NOT EAT!!!"
Now it was Sarah's turn to smirk. "No need to ask what brought you to the commissary at this unseemly hour," she said as Jack walked over to retrieve his prize. On the way back he snagged a fork from the silverware and napkin stand. On impulse, he snagged a second fork as well.
"What can I say?" he said as he sat down across from her at the table. He handed her the second fork and began peeling the cellophane away from the cake, trying to leave most of the icing intact. "Being the general occasionally has its perks. Like getting to have a midnight snack with a pretty archeologist."
She glanced at him curiously for a moment, but merely smiled before she speared the cake from the opposite end and took a bite. She considered for a moment as she chewed then nodded her head in approval. "Perfect," she mumbled through her mouthful, and then swallowed.
"Eeeexcellent," Jack said. He was just about to take his own long-anticipated first taste when a random thought stayed his hand. "By the way," he said to her, "You're not in the Air Force. You don't have to call me 'general' if you don't want to."
She laughed. "I'm honestly not sure I could stop. At least not with other people around."
"Well, when they aren't, then."
Sarah took another bite of cake and seemed to consider both its taste and Jack's invitation with equal deliberation. "All right then," she finally agreed. "Between friends, it's Sarah and Jack."
"Between friends," he agreed.
Together they finished the cake in mostly comfortable silence.
Sarah opened her eyes to an obnoxiously bright light. After that, the first thing she saw was a fuzzy world of blue, white, gray, and some indistinguishable movement. A heartbeat later, she heard someone's voice calling for the doctor and just as her eyes finally rediscovered the art of focus, Doctor Lam was hovering over the hospital bed she was laying in.
"Welcome back," said Doctor Lam.
"What happened?" Sarah asked. Her voice was creaky.
"How much do you remember?"
Sarah closed her eyes, concentrating. "We were in a tel'tak," she said. "We were running out of air."
Doctor Lam nodded. "Captain Ross was the last to pass out, but he was able to amplify your distress signal enough that the Daedalus was finally able to find you. You suffered the worst, I'm afraid. We almost lost you."
"How long was I asleep?"
"Five days now."
"Thomas--" Sarah started to sit up, but regretted almost immediately.
"No, I don't think so," said Doctor Lam, reaching out for Sarah's shoulder and nudging her gently but firmly back down. "Don't worry about it, your brother has been informed you'd be out of touch for a few days." She glanced behind her. "And you have a visitor." She stepped away and Sarah saw Jack standing some feet away, obviously trying not to get underfoot.
"Five minutes, General," Sarah heard Doctor Lam say as she stepped away. Sarah watched her head to the next bed, and saw Cameron lying there, sleeping. Doctor Lam picked up his chart and began updating his vital signs.
"Is he going to be all right?" Sarah asked.
"Mitchell?" Jack said, settling himself on the stool beside Sarah's bed. "Yeah, he's been getting stronger by the minute. I think she'll let him go tomorrow."
Sarah nodded through her relief and gave a sigh. "You know, the last time I woke up here was after they removed Osiris. Daniel was here," she said quietly. "They told me he waited almost nonstop for three whole days. He didn't even want to go to the bathroom because he was afraid he'd be away when I finally woke up."
"Sounds about right," said Jack quietly. "You know, you gave us quite a scare out there."
Sarah managed a weak smile. "Well, if you want someone to blame, I'd go with Captain Cavalier over there. He can't resist a distress call."
"He's a Colonel, actually."
Sarah rolled her eyes. Then sobering slightly, she asked, "You called my brother?"
"Yeah, I told him you were a bit under the weather and wouldn't be able to call him for a week or so. He took it pretty well."
"He's used to it by now. I gave him the whole speech, you know. I can't talk about it, please don't ask, but please also don't get frantic. Ever since I legally returned from the dead he's been a bit overprotective."
"Seems like a great guy."
"Thanks. Maybe someday I'll introduce you."
"As long as he doesn't read the tax code." Sarah chuckled, and Jack reached for something by his feet. "While I was on the phone, though, I did get a chance to ask him to send you a get-well gift." Looking extremely pleased with himself, Jack brought whatever he was hiding into view. He handed it to Sarah.
She gasped softly and grinned. "You remembered!" she exclaimed as she took the canister from his hands. "English tea."
"The genuine article," he said proudly. "Well, that's what he told me, anyway."
"He was right." Sarah gave a happy sigh and closed her eyes, clutching the tea canister lightly to her chest. Then she opened her eyes once more and fixed Jack with a grateful smile. "The genuine article," she repeated. "It's perfect, thank you."
"Well, after they let you out of here, maybe we can break open a cup and you can thank me again."
Sarah laughed. "We'll hit the hard stuff."
"Something like that."
"Sounds like a plan."
Every once in a while, Jack got severe cabin fever from being always stuck at the SGC and randomly chose someone's mission to tag along on, just for some variety. SG-1's mission with Teal'c to find some long-lost tribe of free Jaffa had seemed like a good choice at the time. One big happy reunion, he'd told himself.
"I thought you said you didn't think these Sodan were real!!" he shouted at Mitchell from behind a tree that was much too skinny for his liking. Not that it mattered. They hadn't been able to see a single enemy since the thin air all around them had opened fire.
"And you believed me why?!?" the other man shouted back from his equally inadequate refuge.
"That'll teach me to bet against Teal'c," Jack muttered. "Ross, how are we coming with that tower?" he called over his shoulder. Carter's replacement on the team was working as frantically as he could to find out if the small black Ancient post could somehow bring their invisible enemy into visibility. Sarah huddled near him, trying to do her best to help him with translations.
"Not well, sir!" Ross called back.
Jack swore under his breath.
"Are you picking up any kind of pattern here?" Mitchell called. "How many do you think there are?"
"Seven, maybe eight." Jack didn't actually think it was that many, and neither did Mitchell, he suspected. But shouting in crude code seemed slightly less dumb than shouting what they were actually thinking. What he couldn't figure out was why they weren't all dead already. He could only guess whoever they were fighting didn't want the Ancient column thingy damaged, which only reinforced his plan to guard it.
Mitchell didn't respond. Instead, Jack heard his comrade yell loudly in angry surprise and turned to see him clutching his throat and flailing his legs in tell-tale chokehold. Jack raised his weapon-- he could risk hurting Mitchell just a little bit if they could get one of these guys, but before he could get a shot off, Mitchell disappeared before his eyes.
Stunned, Jack pulled back. He hadn't been this unnerved since the last time they'd fought the replicators.
"O'Neill!"
Jack whipped around just in time to see what Teal'c had seen, a flickering of some kind of cloak that looked rather like a person. Without thinking, he raised his weapon and fired.
The body appeared midair, arching heavily back from the impact of Jack's bullet, and landed with a thud in the dirt and leaves of the forest floor. At the same time, sparks sputtered and flared from the console where Ross was working. Ross and Sarah frantically stepped back from the thing. Sarah turned around, noted the newcomer lying on the ground and headed for him.
"Sarah, no!!" Jack shouted. He tore into the ground with his feet, every instinct screaming to reach her, an impulse confirmed by the sound of an alien weapon somewhere close by preparing to fire. He'd learned the sound of it very well during the last few hellish minutes.
He hit Sarah with the force of a linebacker, knocking her down just as the weapon released. He could feel the heat of it graze above his head and shoulders as together they hit the ground. Hard.
Shocks of pain ripped through Jack's elbows and shoulders, which took the brunt of his fall, but he scrambled to his knees, ready to ward off the next invisible attacker.
Instead of an assault, there was a flash of light that reminded him of the Asgard beam. It emanated from the Ancient column and caused everyone still standing to squint in its fierce intensity. Then the forest was deathly quiet.
Jack waited a few long, silent heartbeats until he was sure that he and the others' breathing was the only breathing he could hear. Only then did he relax his guard.
He looked down at Sarah and winced. She was gasping awkwardly; undoubtedly he had knocked the wind out of her with that little maneuver. He reached down and helped her sit up, whereupon she started to add a few choking hacks to her gasping. He held her by the shoulders until she finally recovered enough breath to focus on something besides finding it. "You okay?" he asked. "Besides the obvious?" Sorry about that, by the way."
She shook her head, a dismissive gesture. "You're fine. I'm fine too, I just--" She breathed deeply again and Jack tightened his grip on her shoulders. "This all happened so fast. I told you I'm not very good at this sort of thing yet, and we didn't even think we would find anything--" She was babbling, half-hysterical, and when she leaned into Jack's chest he tightened his arm around her almost without thinking about it.
Giving Sarah a moment to collect herself, Jack looked up and over at Teal'c, who was supporting Ross. The scientist seemed to have some minor injury with his foot. Jack looked around, searching, and then met Teal'c's eyes with a silent question. The Jaffa shook his head gravely.
A moment later, Sarah pulled away. She too looked around. "Where's Cameron?" she asked.
"I tell you what," said Cameron Mitchell, "coming back from the dead sure does work up an appetite." He leaned back from the table and tossed his napkin satisfactorily onto his plate.
Sarah rolled her eyes. "You weren't dead."
"And you, my fine British friend, have not suffered through the Sodan rite of 'You killed my brother, prepare to die' so from where I'm sitting, death is a very relevant term."
"Don't get him started, Sarah," said Doctor Lam. She stood up and began gathering dishes. "Anyone want more wine?"
"No, thanks," said Jack. "I'm think I should get going. Dixon's team is hauling out at oh-six-hundred tomorrow and apparently I need to be there."
"Carolyn, can I help you with those?" Sarah asked, also getting to her feet. She began gathering up the silverware.
Doctor Lam waved her away. "Only if you plan on spending the night," she said. Then she yawned widely. "My plan was just to dump everything in the sink and take care of it when I get home from work tomorrow. My mom would have a fit, but there you have it."
Jack grinned. "I like it here," he said.
"Well, only if you're sure," Sarah said.
"I'm sure. I already washed the pots. Four place settings' worth of dishes is hardly anything to fuss about."
The rest of the evening's goodbyes were made with equal pleasantry. Sarah headed out the door after Jack and they slowly walked down Doctor Lam's extremely short driveway, where Sarah's tiny car was parked beside Jack's behemoth of a truck. "Did it seem to you like our Colonel Mitchell was eager to get us out the door?" Sarah observed.
Just a little, yeah," said Jack, amused. He kicked at a loose stone that had found its way to the pavement of the driveway.
Sarah smiled. "I suppose coming back from the dead might earn nice country boys more than just a home cooked meal," she said meaningfully. They had reached their vehicles now, and the point of separation but she found herself lingering just a little longer.
"It might also keep him distracted enough not to look out the window," said Jack.
"Why wouldn't you want him to look out the window?" Sarah asked. The nighttime air seemed to resonate in the short space between his face and hers, and Jack's gigantic truck seemed to make things feel more closed, somehow. It was like one tangible wall to complement the other three that suddenly seemed to surround the two of them.
Jack studied her face, pondering for a moment, then said, "I don't want him to see me do this."
He kissed her. He smelled like soap and wine and it was wonderful.
"Okay, we should stop this now."
"Nope."
"Jack!"
"It's too fun."
"You are so bad."
"I know."
"How long do you think he'll need to figure it out?"
"The real question is, how long do you think he'll go before he gives up and calls Carter?"
Sarah shook her head, and then rested it on her chin in a mimic of Jack's posture. Together they were studying the efforts of the blundering Doctor Lee, who could neither see nor hear them. Earlier that morning, Sarah had been experimenting with one of the devices they had recovered from Vala's treasure trove way back when she'd first joined the SGC. Jack had swung by to cajole her into joining her teammates for breakfast when they'd suddenly and inexplicably been whisked out of phase with the rest of the base.
At first it had been alarming, but since Sarah could read Ancient with passable aptitude, it hadn't taken them long to find the dump truck load of Ancient text secretly hidden in the device, Sarah guessed only in this dimension. Among other things, the information contained explicit instructions how to use the device to return themselves to the proper bandwidth of the space-time continuum. In a devilish display of mischief, however, Jack had decided to hold off just a little bit longer.
"Come on, Jack," said Sarah. "You know you're pushing it. You've got the President, the Joint Chiefs, and the I.O.A all in a panic. This is getting ridiculous."
"The I.O.A. is upset? Why didn't you say something?" At this, she punched him lightly on the arm and he sighed. "Fine. You've got everything you want memorized?"
"Yeah. Next time we get turned out of phase, let's be sure to be holding onto a laptop. Or at least a pad and paper."
"You're sure you don't want to go through it one more time, just to be sure? I mean, we don't know if we'll be able to recreate the effects." As he spoke, he was eyeing Doctor Lee, who had begun segregating an area of the lab with tape like it was a crime scene. His latest theory was that Jack and Sarah had been shrunk.
"Merlin the Ancient--" here Sarah made a face "--was conducting experiments to fight some enemy I've never heard of before. He must have been super-paranoid about them, whoever they were. We really ought to come back if we can, Jack. I have a feeling that his experiments could advance the study of physics by a century or two, if we could just apply them somehow. But I'm no scientist."
"Which is why you really should look it over one more time," he said. "Please?"
"No," she said firmly.
"Oh, fine."
Relieved, Sarah headed over to the device in order to begin the process that would change them back. Just as she was reaching for the first of the buttons, Jack stayed her hand.
"Now what?" she asked.
"No one can see or hear us, right?" he asked.
"Of course--" she said darkly, suspicious of what he was up to. She didn't have to wonder long, though.
"I never get to kiss you at work," he said, leaning in close. He smiled knowingly and she smiled back, catching on.
"Right," she said, this time not darkly at all, and leaned forward with a kiss to match the flirt, as had become so comfortable of late.
"A laudable attempt," Sarah said impressively when Jack pulled away. "But yet again you have failed in your mission to keep me stuck here. Jack, I'm starving!" She reached for the button again. One more time he stopped her. "What?!"
"Sorry," he said. "I just wanted to ask you something. Really. With it just being us and all."
Suddenly curious, she held back. "What is it?"
"I've really liked seeing you," Jack said. He was speaking quite slowly, and not quite meeting her eyes, which she found adorable. "And I'd like to continue doing so, but you don't deserve having to go through all this secrecy anymore, if you don't want to."
Sarah was confused. "What do you mean?"
"I mean, if you want to tell people, I'm fine with that."
Something deep and warm stirred in Sarah's stomach. She would be a fool to say she understood this man. She was quite certain she'd barely scratched the surface. But one thing she did know was that it was difficult for him to show himself to the rest of the world. He had a vulnerability that few had ever caught a glimpse of. What he was offering might not have seemed substantial to the eyes of most, but Sarah knew what it meant to him.
"I think," she said with equal deliberation, "that I would like that."
"What do you mean you're dating Sarah?"
Jack looked up from his desk at Daniel, who was standing gape-jawed on the other side. He scowled. "I mean just what I said, I'm dating Sarah. Would you sit down? You're making me nervous."
Daniel dropped into the chair without really paying heed to his actions. "How did this happen?" he blurted.
"Well, Daniel, when a nice girl meets a grizzly old general--"
"Jack, no offense, but you and Sarah--"
Jack waited patiently for Daniel to finish his sentence. Or close his mouth. Neither happened, so after a moment, he nudged, "Yes? Sarah and I-- what?"
Daniel closed his mouth. "Come to think of it, she's probably a lot easier for you to get along with than me, isn't she?"
"Well, that's true, but that's not the reason you and I have never dated, sorry."
As usual, Daniel dismissed the barb altogether. "No, no," he said. "I guess I'm surprised, but trying to come up with arguments why it wouldn't work but -- I can't. I just never would have thought of it, is all."
"She likes tea. I like cake. It works pretty well. I'm glad we have your blessing."
"Yeah, hey," said Daniel distractedly. "Good luck. Just-- don't take her for granted, Jack. Trust me on that."
"If I do, you have my permission to cross galaxies and shoot me."
"I'll remember that."
Jack believed him.
A/N: Happy (very belated) birthday, Mely! Um...Captain Ross is a name I pulled out of absolutely nowhere. I didn't intead to sprinkle in a hint of Cam/Lam but that didn't prevent it from happening anyway. That's about it, really. LOL
TITLE - Tea and Cake
AUTHOR - Sache8
RATING - PGish
GENRE - Romance
SUMMARY - An unlikely match. SG-1, Season 9 AU. Birthday fic for melyanna.
DISCLAIMER - Stargate doesn't belong to me, but Crack!Ships belong to us all. Also, there may be typos.
Tea and Cake
by Sache8
Daniel went to Atlantis. He made his case to the IOA, the congressional committee, the President, everyone he could think of. He pointed out that he was the world’s foremost expert on the Ancients. He would be more useful in Pegasus, where the expedition was still at war with the Wraith. With the threat of the Goa’uld gone, there was little more that Jack could do to justify keeping him in the Milky Way. It was a conspiracy against Jack, and Daniel won.
Jack lasted about a week with Daniel’s replacement before a new opening for a socio-political nerd 'miraculously' became available at the SGC. Between endless interviews with scientists and trying to curb the exuberance of SG-1’s newly christened commander, Lieutenant Colonel Cameron Mitchell, Jack almost turned in his General’s stars on more than one occasion.
It wasn’t until the Mal Doran woman invaded the base that things had finally changed, but Jack wasn’t really sure this had been cause for a celebration. Vala had forced his hand, yes, but she was a cure for his problem the way a hurricane would be a solution to the doldrums. He shouldn’t have even allowed her to come to Earth, but he was so bored he hadn’t been able to resist.
After quite a lot of pouting about not finding Daniel on the base, the ostentatious young woman had gone ahead with her proposal, that being to find some long-lost treasure supposedly hidden on Earth. Jack had been lost in thought, trying to imagine ways he could safely tell her no, when without warning she’d slapped a gold bracelet around his wrist and he’d found himself victim of the most bizarre hostage situation in the history of Stargate Command.
Outside help was required, and fast. He briefly considered calling Daniel home, but the thought of needing a trans-galactic rescue from such an embarrassing situation did not appeal very highly to him. Then Doctor Lee had casually commented that Doctor Sarah Gardner had been sequestered on the Antarctica base for the past two years, studying up extensively on Ancient history and technology.
Jack called her, and she came. She translated Vala’s tablet. Probably not as quickly as Daniel would have done, but in the end they found a secret chamber under some old hill in England and Jack nearly killed Vala Mal Doran after a booby trap almost squished them alive together, and Mitchell had fought a holographic knight with a holographic sword, and they found a whole bunch of shiny treasure. They also found a shiny new Ancient toy which Jack decided not to tell Daniel about at the moment. It was sent to Area 51.
Through a combination of tactics, ranging from charming to practical to pleading, Jack and Mitchell managed, between them, to convince the reticent Doctor Gardner to join SG-1. It was undoubtedly the salvation of Jack’s sanity.
That was how Sarah Gardner finally returned to Stargate Command.
There was a quiet knock at the door. “General?”
Jack looked up. The door was actually already open, which meant that Sarah had in fact knocked on the wall beside it. “Doctor Gardner, come on in,” he said, waving. He closed the mission report folder with relish. “You know, they could probably start using these geological surveys in hospitals instead of sedatives.”
“Oh, I don’t know. I’ve been told that the tax code could probably give geology a run for its money,” Sarah said with a smile as she took her seat.
“By whom?”
“My brother.”
“Bean counter?”
“Worse. A British bean counter.” She held up a folder of her own. “I brought the first of those translations you asked for.”
Jack accepted it stoically. “Are you sure I asked for them? That doesn’t sound like me.”
“I believe it fell under the general heading of ‘all that analytical stuff you scientists usually do.’ Which is the express order you used to conclude our last briefing.”
“Gotcha. So what am I looking at?” he asked as he opened the folder.
She indicated her report with a graceful hand. “It’s all there, general. I believe the artifact was an altar used for the worship of Heru’ur. By all indications, it seems the native population kept up the worship for several centuries after he had abandoned the planet.”
Jack pushed aside the neatly-typed report on top of the stack of paper to glance at the photographs underneath. “Incredible,” he muttered, not insincerely.
Sarah seemed puzzled. “You really think so?” she asked skeptically.
He looked up. “Oh, no, I was just marveling at how calmly and concisely you summed that up. And how lacking it was in the insistence that we go back and set up a ten-week excavation of the surrounding area.”
Sarah’s eyes crinkled together as she smiled. “That doesn’t sound like anyone I know," she said, rolling her eyes to the ceiling. "Although if the SGC were to decide undertake such a project, you know I would be the last to object.”
“Ha. So you are one of them,” he said as he closed the folder and made to hand it back to her.
“Guilty as charged. That’s your copy.”
“Friendly reminder, is it?”
“No, I believe it’s called the standard protocol for paperwork. Besides, what kind of time do I have for excavations?” She sighed. “Colonel Mitchell is so excited about going through the Stargate that we can barely breathe the atmosphere of one planet before he’s ready to see the next one.”
“Maybe he’ll calm down a bit when he finally realizes that most of them look like Canada.”
A new sound from outside the corridor distracted Sarah from any quip she may have made in response. Both of them turned their heads to the door just in time to see Vala Mal Doran walk by bouncing a paddle ball with expert precision and humming incessantly to herself.
When she was out of sight, Sarah turned back to Jack. “I thought the effect of the bracelets was wearing off?”
“It is. It will probably be a couple more days.”
“What exactly is she doing?”
“She’s trying to annoy me into taking her offworld.”
“I see. Is it working?”
“Nope.”
“That’s what you think!” called a disembodied voice from further down the hall.
Jack rolled his eyes. Sarah laughed, and he glared at her.
“Tell you what,” she said, getting to her feet. “I’m done working for the evening. How about I try and distract her? It’s the least I could do, one ex-host to another. I bet she’d be really good at darts.”
“Sharp, aerodynamic objects wouldn’t be my first choice, but be my guest. If it works, I’ll owe you one.”
“Hmmn. Now that would be an intriguing debt to redeem.”
It was a couple of weeks after the skirmish with the Lucian Alliance, and the lack of Vala on the base almost had Jack's ears ringing from the quiet. He wasn't about to complain, though. He knew there were forces of fate that hovered over his head with constant attention, just waiting for him to open his big fat mouth and extend them an invitation to unleash their worst.
At some point during the day, Walter had commented that there was spice cake with cream cheese icing in the commissary. Jack had been trying to get to there ever since, but the aforementioned fates had been doing their best to test his patience. First, SG-5 had failed to report in at their scheduled time, which meant a couple hours of protocols to follow until they found out it was merely bad weather interfering with the radio signals. Then Doctor Lee had blown something up -- again -- which reinforced Jack's opinion that the man should just change his name to one of any character Rick Moranis had ever played. Right after that SG-1 had come in hot after running into an unexpected hostile Jaffa patrol while exploring PX2-775. While Doctor Lam patched up his severely bruised ribs, Colonel Mitchell had complained loudly about how it was getting difficult to tell the good guys from the bad guys.
But now, finally, all was quiet. It was quite late. After turning off all the lights in the office and locking the door, Jack headed as nonchalantly as possible up to the commissary to see if the cook had taken pity on him and held back a piece of cake.
Half the lights in the commissary were off when he arrived, and the room's only occupant was a mess of blond curls snoring lightly at the far corner table. Jack paused to stare, momentarily distracted from his mission. A small smile twitched on his lips as he better realized what he was looking at. Sarah Gardner was sound asleep with her head atop a pile of folders spread haphazardly all over the table.
Curious as to what might happen, he reached over and flicked on the rest of the lights.
She jerked awake, knocking three of the folders to the floor, and looked about her with bewilderment, blinking up at the lights with accusation before she finally caught sight of Jack standing in the doorway. "Good morning," he said.
"General, she mumbled, and pushed a piece of hair out of her face. There was a reddish imprint of her sleeve there and Jack was forced to bite back another chuckle. "What time is it?" she asked, as she began gathering her folders together.
"Relax, it's only just before midnight," he assured her. He walked across the room, picked up the three wayward folders from the floor, and handed them back to her. She accepted them with quiet thanks, still seeming out of sorts. "Long day?" he asked.
"Mmmn, yes. Well, obviously you know about the Jaffa. I'm afraid I'm still not quite up to par for those kinds of missions. At least not physically."
"How's the hand?" he asked She'd scraped the back of her left hand pretty badly in the escape effort.
She held it up for his benefit. It was tidily bandaged. "A little sore, but I don't have to stay overnight, so you won't hear me complaining."
"And yet, here you are," he said with raised eyebrows, looking around the commissary.
She blushed with embarrassment. "Yes. Pathetic, isn't it? I don't even have a cat to go home to so I usually just stick around to eat dinner. I have plenty of friends here. Of course, they're the ones who left me here asleep. I can't believe they did that!"
"Well, you did look pretty comfortable. I almost didn't want to wake you up myself." Jack glanced over at the counter and gave a triumphant smirk. "Aha," he said satisfactorily. A huge slice of cake was sitting alone on a paper plate and covered in cellophane. Beside it was a makeshift placard with large black letters in permanent marker: "FOR GENERAL O'NEILL. DO NOT EAT!!!"
Now it was Sarah's turn to smirk. "No need to ask what brought you to the commissary at this unseemly hour," she said as Jack walked over to retrieve his prize. On the way back he snagged a fork from the silverware and napkin stand. On impulse, he snagged a second fork as well.
"What can I say?" he said as he sat down across from her at the table. He handed her the second fork and began peeling the cellophane away from the cake, trying to leave most of the icing intact. "Being the general occasionally has its perks. Like getting to have a midnight snack with a pretty archeologist."
She glanced at him curiously for a moment, but merely smiled before she speared the cake from the opposite end and took a bite. She considered for a moment as she chewed then nodded her head in approval. "Perfect," she mumbled through her mouthful, and then swallowed.
"Eeeexcellent," Jack said. He was just about to take his own long-anticipated first taste when a random thought stayed his hand. "By the way," he said to her, "You're not in the Air Force. You don't have to call me 'general' if you don't want to."
She laughed. "I'm honestly not sure I could stop. At least not with other people around."
"Well, when they aren't, then."
Sarah took another bite of cake and seemed to consider both its taste and Jack's invitation with equal deliberation. "All right then," she finally agreed. "Between friends, it's Sarah and Jack."
"Between friends," he agreed.
Together they finished the cake in mostly comfortable silence.
Sarah opened her eyes to an obnoxiously bright light. After that, the first thing she saw was a fuzzy world of blue, white, gray, and some indistinguishable movement. A heartbeat later, she heard someone's voice calling for the doctor and just as her eyes finally rediscovered the art of focus, Doctor Lam was hovering over the hospital bed she was laying in.
"Welcome back," said Doctor Lam.
"What happened?" Sarah asked. Her voice was creaky.
"How much do you remember?"
Sarah closed her eyes, concentrating. "We were in a tel'tak," she said. "We were running out of air."
Doctor Lam nodded. "Captain Ross was the last to pass out, but he was able to amplify your distress signal enough that the Daedalus was finally able to find you. You suffered the worst, I'm afraid. We almost lost you."
"How long was I asleep?"
"Five days now."
"Thomas--" Sarah started to sit up, but regretted almost immediately.
"No, I don't think so," said Doctor Lam, reaching out for Sarah's shoulder and nudging her gently but firmly back down. "Don't worry about it, your brother has been informed you'd be out of touch for a few days." She glanced behind her. "And you have a visitor." She stepped away and Sarah saw Jack standing some feet away, obviously trying not to get underfoot.
"Five minutes, General," Sarah heard Doctor Lam say as she stepped away. Sarah watched her head to the next bed, and saw Cameron lying there, sleeping. Doctor Lam picked up his chart and began updating his vital signs.
"Is he going to be all right?" Sarah asked.
"Mitchell?" Jack said, settling himself on the stool beside Sarah's bed. "Yeah, he's been getting stronger by the minute. I think she'll let him go tomorrow."
Sarah nodded through her relief and gave a sigh. "You know, the last time I woke up here was after they removed Osiris. Daniel was here," she said quietly. "They told me he waited almost nonstop for three whole days. He didn't even want to go to the bathroom because he was afraid he'd be away when I finally woke up."
"Sounds about right," said Jack quietly. "You know, you gave us quite a scare out there."
Sarah managed a weak smile. "Well, if you want someone to blame, I'd go with Captain Cavalier over there. He can't resist a distress call."
"He's a Colonel, actually."
Sarah rolled her eyes. Then sobering slightly, she asked, "You called my brother?"
"Yeah, I told him you were a bit under the weather and wouldn't be able to call him for a week or so. He took it pretty well."
"He's used to it by now. I gave him the whole speech, you know. I can't talk about it, please don't ask, but please also don't get frantic. Ever since I legally returned from the dead he's been a bit overprotective."
"Seems like a great guy."
"Thanks. Maybe someday I'll introduce you."
"As long as he doesn't read the tax code." Sarah chuckled, and Jack reached for something by his feet. "While I was on the phone, though, I did get a chance to ask him to send you a get-well gift." Looking extremely pleased with himself, Jack brought whatever he was hiding into view. He handed it to Sarah.
She gasped softly and grinned. "You remembered!" she exclaimed as she took the canister from his hands. "English tea."
"The genuine article," he said proudly. "Well, that's what he told me, anyway."
"He was right." Sarah gave a happy sigh and closed her eyes, clutching the tea canister lightly to her chest. Then she opened her eyes once more and fixed Jack with a grateful smile. "The genuine article," she repeated. "It's perfect, thank you."
"Well, after they let you out of here, maybe we can break open a cup and you can thank me again."
Sarah laughed. "We'll hit the hard stuff."
"Something like that."
"Sounds like a plan."
Every once in a while, Jack got severe cabin fever from being always stuck at the SGC and randomly chose someone's mission to tag along on, just for some variety. SG-1's mission with Teal'c to find some long-lost tribe of free Jaffa had seemed like a good choice at the time. One big happy reunion, he'd told himself.
"I thought you said you didn't think these Sodan were real!!" he shouted at Mitchell from behind a tree that was much too skinny for his liking. Not that it mattered. They hadn't been able to see a single enemy since the thin air all around them had opened fire.
"And you believed me why?!?" the other man shouted back from his equally inadequate refuge.
"That'll teach me to bet against Teal'c," Jack muttered. "Ross, how are we coming with that tower?" he called over his shoulder. Carter's replacement on the team was working as frantically as he could to find out if the small black Ancient post could somehow bring their invisible enemy into visibility. Sarah huddled near him, trying to do her best to help him with translations.
"Not well, sir!" Ross called back.
Jack swore under his breath.
"Are you picking up any kind of pattern here?" Mitchell called. "How many do you think there are?"
"Seven, maybe eight." Jack didn't actually think it was that many, and neither did Mitchell, he suspected. But shouting in crude code seemed slightly less dumb than shouting what they were actually thinking. What he couldn't figure out was why they weren't all dead already. He could only guess whoever they were fighting didn't want the Ancient column thingy damaged, which only reinforced his plan to guard it.
Mitchell didn't respond. Instead, Jack heard his comrade yell loudly in angry surprise and turned to see him clutching his throat and flailing his legs in tell-tale chokehold. Jack raised his weapon-- he could risk hurting Mitchell just a little bit if they could get one of these guys, but before he could get a shot off, Mitchell disappeared before his eyes.
Stunned, Jack pulled back. He hadn't been this unnerved since the last time they'd fought the replicators.
"O'Neill!"
Jack whipped around just in time to see what Teal'c had seen, a flickering of some kind of cloak that looked rather like a person. Without thinking, he raised his weapon and fired.
The body appeared midair, arching heavily back from the impact of Jack's bullet, and landed with a thud in the dirt and leaves of the forest floor. At the same time, sparks sputtered and flared from the console where Ross was working. Ross and Sarah frantically stepped back from the thing. Sarah turned around, noted the newcomer lying on the ground and headed for him.
"Sarah, no!!" Jack shouted. He tore into the ground with his feet, every instinct screaming to reach her, an impulse confirmed by the sound of an alien weapon somewhere close by preparing to fire. He'd learned the sound of it very well during the last few hellish minutes.
He hit Sarah with the force of a linebacker, knocking her down just as the weapon released. He could feel the heat of it graze above his head and shoulders as together they hit the ground. Hard.
Shocks of pain ripped through Jack's elbows and shoulders, which took the brunt of his fall, but he scrambled to his knees, ready to ward off the next invisible attacker.
Instead of an assault, there was a flash of light that reminded him of the Asgard beam. It emanated from the Ancient column and caused everyone still standing to squint in its fierce intensity. Then the forest was deathly quiet.
Jack waited a few long, silent heartbeats until he was sure that he and the others' breathing was the only breathing he could hear. Only then did he relax his guard.
He looked down at Sarah and winced. She was gasping awkwardly; undoubtedly he had knocked the wind out of her with that little maneuver. He reached down and helped her sit up, whereupon she started to add a few choking hacks to her gasping. He held her by the shoulders until she finally recovered enough breath to focus on something besides finding it. "You okay?" he asked. "Besides the obvious?" Sorry about that, by the way."
She shook her head, a dismissive gesture. "You're fine. I'm fine too, I just--" She breathed deeply again and Jack tightened his grip on her shoulders. "This all happened so fast. I told you I'm not very good at this sort of thing yet, and we didn't even think we would find anything--" She was babbling, half-hysterical, and when she leaned into Jack's chest he tightened his arm around her almost without thinking about it.
Giving Sarah a moment to collect herself, Jack looked up and over at Teal'c, who was supporting Ross. The scientist seemed to have some minor injury with his foot. Jack looked around, searching, and then met Teal'c's eyes with a silent question. The Jaffa shook his head gravely.
A moment later, Sarah pulled away. She too looked around. "Where's Cameron?" she asked.
"I tell you what," said Cameron Mitchell, "coming back from the dead sure does work up an appetite." He leaned back from the table and tossed his napkin satisfactorily onto his plate.
Sarah rolled her eyes. "You weren't dead."
"And you, my fine British friend, have not suffered through the Sodan rite of 'You killed my brother, prepare to die' so from where I'm sitting, death is a very relevant term."
"Don't get him started, Sarah," said Doctor Lam. She stood up and began gathering dishes. "Anyone want more wine?"
"No, thanks," said Jack. "I'm think I should get going. Dixon's team is hauling out at oh-six-hundred tomorrow and apparently I need to be there."
"Carolyn, can I help you with those?" Sarah asked, also getting to her feet. She began gathering up the silverware.
Doctor Lam waved her away. "Only if you plan on spending the night," she said. Then she yawned widely. "My plan was just to dump everything in the sink and take care of it when I get home from work tomorrow. My mom would have a fit, but there you have it."
Jack grinned. "I like it here," he said.
"Well, only if you're sure," Sarah said.
"I'm sure. I already washed the pots. Four place settings' worth of dishes is hardly anything to fuss about."
The rest of the evening's goodbyes were made with equal pleasantry. Sarah headed out the door after Jack and they slowly walked down Doctor Lam's extremely short driveway, where Sarah's tiny car was parked beside Jack's behemoth of a truck. "Did it seem to you like our Colonel Mitchell was eager to get us out the door?" Sarah observed.
Just a little, yeah," said Jack, amused. He kicked at a loose stone that had found its way to the pavement of the driveway.
Sarah smiled. "I suppose coming back from the dead might earn nice country boys more than just a home cooked meal," she said meaningfully. They had reached their vehicles now, and the point of separation but she found herself lingering just a little longer.
"It might also keep him distracted enough not to look out the window," said Jack.
"Why wouldn't you want him to look out the window?" Sarah asked. The nighttime air seemed to resonate in the short space between his face and hers, and Jack's gigantic truck seemed to make things feel more closed, somehow. It was like one tangible wall to complement the other three that suddenly seemed to surround the two of them.
Jack studied her face, pondering for a moment, then said, "I don't want him to see me do this."
He kissed her. He smelled like soap and wine and it was wonderful.
"Okay, we should stop this now."
"Nope."
"Jack!"
"It's too fun."
"You are so bad."
"I know."
"How long do you think he'll need to figure it out?"
"The real question is, how long do you think he'll go before he gives up and calls Carter?"
Sarah shook her head, and then rested it on her chin in a mimic of Jack's posture. Together they were studying the efforts of the blundering Doctor Lee, who could neither see nor hear them. Earlier that morning, Sarah had been experimenting with one of the devices they had recovered from Vala's treasure trove way back when she'd first joined the SGC. Jack had swung by to cajole her into joining her teammates for breakfast when they'd suddenly and inexplicably been whisked out of phase with the rest of the base.
At first it had been alarming, but since Sarah could read Ancient with passable aptitude, it hadn't taken them long to find the dump truck load of Ancient text secretly hidden in the device, Sarah guessed only in this dimension. Among other things, the information contained explicit instructions how to use the device to return themselves to the proper bandwidth of the space-time continuum. In a devilish display of mischief, however, Jack had decided to hold off just a little bit longer.
"Come on, Jack," said Sarah. "You know you're pushing it. You've got the President, the Joint Chiefs, and the I.O.A all in a panic. This is getting ridiculous."
"The I.O.A. is upset? Why didn't you say something?" At this, she punched him lightly on the arm and he sighed. "Fine. You've got everything you want memorized?"
"Yeah. Next time we get turned out of phase, let's be sure to be holding onto a laptop. Or at least a pad and paper."
"You're sure you don't want to go through it one more time, just to be sure? I mean, we don't know if we'll be able to recreate the effects." As he spoke, he was eyeing Doctor Lee, who had begun segregating an area of the lab with tape like it was a crime scene. His latest theory was that Jack and Sarah had been shrunk.
"Merlin the Ancient--" here Sarah made a face "--was conducting experiments to fight some enemy I've never heard of before. He must have been super-paranoid about them, whoever they were. We really ought to come back if we can, Jack. I have a feeling that his experiments could advance the study of physics by a century or two, if we could just apply them somehow. But I'm no scientist."
"Which is why you really should look it over one more time," he said. "Please?"
"No," she said firmly.
"Oh, fine."
Relieved, Sarah headed over to the device in order to begin the process that would change them back. Just as she was reaching for the first of the buttons, Jack stayed her hand.
"Now what?" she asked.
"No one can see or hear us, right?" he asked.
"Of course--" she said darkly, suspicious of what he was up to. She didn't have to wonder long, though.
"I never get to kiss you at work," he said, leaning in close. He smiled knowingly and she smiled back, catching on.
"Right," she said, this time not darkly at all, and leaned forward with a kiss to match the flirt, as had become so comfortable of late.
"A laudable attempt," Sarah said impressively when Jack pulled away. "But yet again you have failed in your mission to keep me stuck here. Jack, I'm starving!" She reached for the button again. One more time he stopped her. "What?!"
"Sorry," he said. "I just wanted to ask you something. Really. With it just being us and all."
Suddenly curious, she held back. "What is it?"
"I've really liked seeing you," Jack said. He was speaking quite slowly, and not quite meeting her eyes, which she found adorable. "And I'd like to continue doing so, but you don't deserve having to go through all this secrecy anymore, if you don't want to."
Sarah was confused. "What do you mean?"
"I mean, if you want to tell people, I'm fine with that."
Something deep and warm stirred in Sarah's stomach. She would be a fool to say she understood this man. She was quite certain she'd barely scratched the surface. But one thing she did know was that it was difficult for him to show himself to the rest of the world. He had a vulnerability that few had ever caught a glimpse of. What he was offering might not have seemed substantial to the eyes of most, but Sarah knew what it meant to him.
"I think," she said with equal deliberation, "that I would like that."
"What do you mean you're dating Sarah?"
Jack looked up from his desk at Daniel, who was standing gape-jawed on the other side. He scowled. "I mean just what I said, I'm dating Sarah. Would you sit down? You're making me nervous."
Daniel dropped into the chair without really paying heed to his actions. "How did this happen?" he blurted.
"Well, Daniel, when a nice girl meets a grizzly old general--"
"Jack, no offense, but you and Sarah--"
Jack waited patiently for Daniel to finish his sentence. Or close his mouth. Neither happened, so after a moment, he nudged, "Yes? Sarah and I-- what?"
Daniel closed his mouth. "Come to think of it, she's probably a lot easier for you to get along with than me, isn't she?"
"Well, that's true, but that's not the reason you and I have never dated, sorry."
As usual, Daniel dismissed the barb altogether. "No, no," he said. "I guess I'm surprised, but trying to come up with arguments why it wouldn't work but -- I can't. I just never would have thought of it, is all."
"She likes tea. I like cake. It works pretty well. I'm glad we have your blessing."
"Yeah, hey," said Daniel distractedly. "Good luck. Just-- don't take her for granted, Jack. Trust me on that."
"If I do, you have my permission to cross galaxies and shoot me."
"I'll remember that."
Jack believed him.
A/N: Happy (very belated) birthday, Mely! Um...Captain Ross is a name I pulled out of absolutely nowhere. I didn't intead to sprinkle in a hint of Cam/Lam but that didn't prevent it from happening anyway. That's about it, really. LOL