Indeed.
So, sir_hellsing and dreadnot ranted, and I kinda felt like ranting too.
1. SNEAKING YOUR OTP INTO STORIES THAT ARE NOT ABOUT YOUR OTP.
There, I said it. I hate hate hate it when extra pairings are just dropped into stories with no warning. I’m not talking about stories with multiple pairings- there’s nothing wrong with that. What I can’t stand are those little one-off sentences that casually mention [insert noncanon relationship here]. I hate how these pairings are just taken as read by some authors. If you use a noncanon pairing, warn for it. It’s common courtesy. Hell, you should probably warn for canon pairings too, but well, it’s canon.
2. Leftovershipping, goddammit! Not everybody has to be in a relationship for your pairing to work right. If you’re writing H/Hr, Ron does not have to be shagging Luna. If you’re writing AxI, you don’t necessarily have to include PxS. And for the love of little green apples, don’t insert random OCs because somebody doesn’t have a love interest.
3. Smallville Shippers:
a. Clark/Lois shippers- calm down. Seriously. Your OTP? Will not become canon in Smallville. That doesn’t happen until much, much later. If it does, I will punch my television, then cry about how much time I wasted on this show.
b. Clark/Lana shippers- your OTP cannot stay canon. Clark ends up with Lois. This is how the story goes. And really? Clark and Lana have always had a really fucked up relationship. I know this season is all hearts and sex and sunshines, but there are (and there should be) huge trust issues there.
c. Clark/Lex shippers- WTF IS WITH ALL THE MARRIAGE FIC. Seriously, they are LEX FUCKING LUTHOR and SUPERMAN. Also, where’s the hate!sex? All I get is fluff from this damn pairing. If I want fluff, I’ll go hang out with the Clana shippers.
d. Lex/Lana shippers- Write more, dammit! S4 did not kill the pairing. S5 might though. What happened to all the great, sexy future AUs? How about some hate!sex? Dammit, don’t die on me now!
4. The Great Vampire Debate (ie. Are vampires cold to the touch? Are they capable of sexual reproduction? Are they capable of sex at all?)
In Hellsing, none of these questions are answered in canon (unless it’s somewhere past volume 7, cause I haven’t kept up). Mythology varies wildly. And as dreadnot pointed out, Dracula canon != Hellsing canon. If you want a warm vampire that can have babies? That is not noncanon.
Sidebar: Though, of course, a warm vampire will have to consume more blood than a cold vampire. Also, male vampires are thought to have reproductive capabilities way more often than females (dhampirs, anyone?), so it’s easier to make the case for them just based on sheer mythology. But once again, none of this is Hellsing canon.
However, in no mythology do vampires go into heat. They are still humans. If you believe this to be true, please to be leaving my fandom.
5. Fluffy Alucard.
::screams, dies.::
While we’re at it, fluffy Lex, Integra, and Snape, too.
6. Rip Hate. What’s with all the Rip hate lately? Maybe I haven’t been paying attention, but I haven’t seen the fawning Rip fangirls (thankfully?). But why must all members of Millennium necessarily be portrayed as completely evil?
Rip and Schro are quite young. I think it’s arguable that this was not a life that they chose for themselves. I’m not calling them innocent, by any means, but they’re not the same as, say, the Major or Doc. What about Schro’s goodbye to Rip in volume 5? I can’t be the only one who sniffled over that. Rip’s portrayed in a softer light than the rest of Millennium- her death is horrific and tragic, whereas Zorin’s isn’t. And when she meets Alucard, she completely loses her shit. She acts like a kid, not a hardened killer.
Yes, I think she is a tragic heroine. And what do tragic heroes have, class? That’s right, flaws. Tragic ones. Like being a psycho Nazi killer. Emphasis on psycho.
…That was sort of debate-y. Ok, back to ranting.
7. Shortfic Hate. I do not write long fics. I am bad at it. 1000 words is my upper limit for fanfiction, because if I do more than that it is not good. I think this should be evident from my Bebop and Hellsing chapter fics.
So why do I keep getting requests for it, especially on 30_kisses? I hate the implication that what I’ve got is just “a good start”. It’s done. Take it, or leave it. Don’t ask for more. If you critique the length, I’m not going to listen, because making my fic longer will not improve it.
8. Heteronormativity in Fanfiction.
9. Homonormativity in Fanfiction. People, neither of these is representative of life. If you have a group of 20 characters, chances are that they will not all be the same sexual orientation.
10. Walter. …My C2 doesn’t have enough stories in it.
That was delicious. Now for violin concert.
1. SNEAKING YOUR OTP INTO STORIES THAT ARE NOT ABOUT YOUR OTP.
There, I said it. I hate hate hate it when extra pairings are just dropped into stories with no warning. I’m not talking about stories with multiple pairings- there’s nothing wrong with that. What I can’t stand are those little one-off sentences that casually mention [insert noncanon relationship here]. I hate how these pairings are just taken as read by some authors. If you use a noncanon pairing, warn for it. It’s common courtesy. Hell, you should probably warn for canon pairings too, but well, it’s canon.
2. Leftovershipping, goddammit! Not everybody has to be in a relationship for your pairing to work right. If you’re writing H/Hr, Ron does not have to be shagging Luna. If you’re writing AxI, you don’t necessarily have to include PxS. And for the love of little green apples, don’t insert random OCs because somebody doesn’t have a love interest.
3. Smallville Shippers:
a. Clark/Lois shippers- calm down. Seriously. Your OTP? Will not become canon in Smallville. That doesn’t happen until much, much later. If it does, I will punch my television, then cry about how much time I wasted on this show.
b. Clark/Lana shippers- your OTP cannot stay canon. Clark ends up with Lois. This is how the story goes. And really? Clark and Lana have always had a really fucked up relationship. I know this season is all hearts and sex and sunshines, but there are (and there should be) huge trust issues there.
c. Clark/Lex shippers- WTF IS WITH ALL THE MARRIAGE FIC. Seriously, they are LEX FUCKING LUTHOR and SUPERMAN. Also, where’s the hate!sex? All I get is fluff from this damn pairing. If I want fluff, I’ll go hang out with the Clana shippers.
d. Lex/Lana shippers- Write more, dammit! S4 did not kill the pairing. S5 might though. What happened to all the great, sexy future AUs? How about some hate!sex? Dammit, don’t die on me now!
4. The Great Vampire Debate (ie. Are vampires cold to the touch? Are they capable of sexual reproduction? Are they capable of sex at all?)
In Hellsing, none of these questions are answered in canon (unless it’s somewhere past volume 7, cause I haven’t kept up). Mythology varies wildly. And as dreadnot pointed out, Dracula canon != Hellsing canon. If you want a warm vampire that can have babies? That is not noncanon.
Sidebar: Though, of course, a warm vampire will have to consume more blood than a cold vampire. Also, male vampires are thought to have reproductive capabilities way more often than females (dhampirs, anyone?), so it’s easier to make the case for them just based on sheer mythology. But once again, none of this is Hellsing canon.
However, in no mythology do vampires go into heat. They are still humans. If you believe this to be true, please to be leaving my fandom.
5. Fluffy Alucard.
::screams, dies.::
While we’re at it, fluffy Lex, Integra, and Snape, too.
6. Rip Hate. What’s with all the Rip hate lately? Maybe I haven’t been paying attention, but I haven’t seen the fawning Rip fangirls (thankfully?). But why must all members of Millennium necessarily be portrayed as completely evil?
Rip and Schro are quite young. I think it’s arguable that this was not a life that they chose for themselves. I’m not calling them innocent, by any means, but they’re not the same as, say, the Major or Doc. What about Schro’s goodbye to Rip in volume 5? I can’t be the only one who sniffled over that. Rip’s portrayed in a softer light than the rest of Millennium- her death is horrific and tragic, whereas Zorin’s isn’t. And when she meets Alucard, she completely loses her shit. She acts like a kid, not a hardened killer.
Yes, I think she is a tragic heroine. And what do tragic heroes have, class? That’s right, flaws. Tragic ones. Like being a psycho Nazi killer. Emphasis on psycho.
…That was sort of debate-y. Ok, back to ranting.
7. Shortfic Hate. I do not write long fics. I am bad at it. 1000 words is my upper limit for fanfiction, because if I do more than that it is not good. I think this should be evident from my Bebop and Hellsing chapter fics.
So why do I keep getting requests for it, especially on 30_kisses? I hate the implication that what I’ve got is just “a good start”. It’s done. Take it, or leave it. Don’t ask for more. If you critique the length, I’m not going to listen, because making my fic longer will not improve it.
8. Heteronormativity in Fanfiction.
9. Homonormativity in Fanfiction. People, neither of these is representative of life. If you have a group of 20 characters, chances are that they will not all be the same sexual orientation.
10. Walter. …My C2 doesn’t have enough stories in it.
That was delicious. Now for violin concert.