Horrible day cut for horrible day rant
I hurt my back on Sunday. Have been on valium and prednisone for two days. Had a knock down drag out fight with my 23 year old where he treated me just terribly. He has done this before, and maybe I should do something but I think he just takes all his anger out on me. Sometimes I an deal with it but today it just crushed me.
I had to go take a vital sign test at school. They offered me to go early (still reeling from the fight) and I failed. I can take it again on Monday but I have been trying so hard to do well - this was a real bummer. It doesn't help that my back is fucked up, nor that the prednisone has me wiggin' out or that my son is treating me like a dick. None of those are real reasons for failing but they surely contribute.
I just got my period.
I want to smoke a cigarette. Something I have not done in 20 years. I can't stop crying. Prednisone can really fuck you up, i know this. But right now I feel so bad that nothing. Nothing can make me feel better. Not the boys. Not my smiling seven year old. Not chocolate. I just want to curl up on my heating pad and die. (not quite really end my life...but I feel that horrible) Not even Season 4 (which I have not had the chance to look at because I have been studying so hard) Season 1 might help, but I have lent it to a friend. Not even John, Sam and Dean pre-series. Which is my normal way to relax.
I know it is hormones, drugs, depression over fucking up a test I should have passed. Stress. Work and the shit heads that I call my employers and coworkers. But none of that really seems to matter. School offered me to take some more practice tests on Friday but I doubt work will let me leave early or go in late. I may must call the doc tomorrow and say I need another day home. I am sure they will give it to me. Fuck work. They don't care a rats ass about me anyway.
I am sick of crying and wimpering and feeling for sorry for myself but I also don't want to stop.
I am sick of wiping tears off my keyboard so I willl stop for now.
Anyhow. Thanks for listening.
I had to go take a vital sign test at school. They offered me to go early (still reeling from the fight) and I failed. I can take it again on Monday but I have been trying so hard to do well - this was a real bummer. It doesn't help that my back is fucked up, nor that the prednisone has me wiggin' out or that my son is treating me like a dick. None of those are real reasons for failing but they surely contribute.
I just got my period.
I want to smoke a cigarette. Something I have not done in 20 years. I can't stop crying. Prednisone can really fuck you up, i know this. But right now I feel so bad that nothing. Nothing can make me feel better. Not the boys. Not my smiling seven year old. Not chocolate. I just want to curl up on my heating pad and die. (not quite really end my life...but I feel that horrible) Not even Season 4 (which I have not had the chance to look at because I have been studying so hard) Season 1 might help, but I have lent it to a friend. Not even John, Sam and Dean pre-series. Which is my normal way to relax.
I know it is hormones, drugs, depression over fucking up a test I should have passed. Stress. Work and the shit heads that I call my employers and coworkers. But none of that really seems to matter. School offered me to take some more practice tests on Friday but I doubt work will let me leave early or go in late. I may must call the doc tomorrow and say I need another day home. I am sure they will give it to me. Fuck work. They don't care a rats ass about me anyway.
I am sick of crying and wimpering and feeling for sorry for myself but I also don't want to stop.
I am sick of wiping tears off my keyboard so I willl stop for now.
Anyhow. Thanks for listening.