Sue fic
A parody for all those lovely Suethors out there.
(Oh, sing Lisinopril's song outloud to Hawthorne Height's Ohio Is for Lovers)
Credits given to Hawthorne Heights (sorry to rape your material) and Suethors everywhere.
“OMG, I JUS’ CANT TAKKE IT ANYMOREZ!!1” cried Lisinopril Angelica Marie Rayyvn D’mentia, or just Rayyvn for short. She had just found out she had to single-handely saved the world from Voldamort, not to be confused with Voldemort from the Harry Potter series.
By some demented space time continuum plot hole in the mind of the wicked author (wicked cool, if I do say so myself), Rayyvn found herself launched into the Harry Potter series as a self-inserted emotastic wangst-a-lot Sue with a tragic background, only to find her one true love in the form of a raped and unrecognizable canon character. If you choose to read on, I must confess: your brain might suffer from logic deprivation. You have been warned.
Now, onto Lisinopril Angelica Marie Rayyvn D’mentia’s tragic history…
When Rayyvn was born, her mother’s blood pressure was ridiculously high. In a fit of medicine deprivation, the distraught mother named her baby daughter after the first thing she could think of, her high blood pressure medicine, Lisinopril. This not only created an everlasting source of wangst for the young girl (“OMGZ I HATEZ MY NAMEZ”), but her mother’s high blood pressure finally killed her within hours of Lisinopril’s birth. At least that’s what everyone told Lisinopril. The truth was, her mother abandoned her in the hospital after she found out she gave birth to the most common Mary Sue: the emo-wuss.
Lisinopril was born with a thick layer of eyeliner permanently stuck on her eyes. It was black, as all emo eyeliner is, but it wasn’t the hot kind of thick like Shakira’s in Objection, it was the clumpy, little-pieces-of-the-black-pencil-came-off-and-are-sticking-to-the-eyelashes-thick. She had naturally pale skin and black, ratty hair. She looked like a little drowned rat, and, in an act of mercy, a nurse tried to drown her. But of course, her magical Sue powers protected her.
Lisinopril grew up on the streets, learning all kinds of sparkley Sue mad fighting skills. When she was eleven, her magical Sue powers got her the lead in a band, even though her voice made all the animals go crazy. They had to replace the base player twice; her voice busted the other two’s eardrums. The band just took all emo bands, like Evanescence, Linkin Park, My Chemical Romance and Green Day, combined their lyrics and sang their little emo hearts out.
Lisinopril got her Hogwarts letter by a miracle. Actually, it was my meddling in fandoms that got her there, but whatever.
Lisinopril is now a sixth year, and this is where her story begins.
Lisinopril: Not Just a High Blood Pressure Medicine!!
Lisinopril ran up to Gryffindor Tower, sobbing so hard her caked on black eyeliner streamed down her cheeks. “IT’Z SO HARD 2B DIS PREEETTY!” she sobbed, collapsing onto her bed and getting black goo on her black satin pillowcase. Her skin was too sensitive for the standard cotton blend sheets and pillowcases, so she had to have her own, black satin bed fittings.
The truth was, Lisinopril was butt-ass ugly. She strived for the Avril Lavigne look, but instead she got a ratfaced anorexic, straggly and thin black haired knockoff. If you stood on your head, smoked weed and squinted really hard, she looked EXACTLY like Avril Lavigne though, and that was all that mattered to Lisinopril. She wore ‘scene’ clothes (as Gothic/Emo/whatever the hell they’re called kids are too cool for labels), which included her favorite black lace corset and short black ripped skirt, fishnets and platform combat boots. She was, as all Mary Sues are, too cool for uniforms.
Most kids thought Lisinopril was nasty, with her caved in stomach and ratty black hair, but in her mind, Lisinopril was drop dead sexy. All the boys wanted her, even though in reality, boys couldn’t stand to look at her. In her mind, she turned many a gay man straight, even though the last boy she tried to kiss went gay so she wouldn’t rape him. Her breasts, despite the fact the left was higher and definitely smaller than the right, were perfect in her mind and no one could tell her otherwise. Lisinopril was one hell of a hotass, if she did say so herself.
She wiped her eyes, smearing her black eyeliner across her face and sneezed. She wiped her snot on her shirt and screamed, realizing she’d just put yellow on her favorite plain black tshirt. She pulled it off and dropped it on the floor before looking in the mirror. She stretched, and all the ribs in her stomach looked like they were ready to bust through her skin. “Sunlight,” the mirror hissed before cracking down the middle. “IM JUS’ SOO HAWT DIS THANG CANT HANDEL MEEH,” she howled. (Did I mention Lisinopril can only speak in CAPSLOCK. It’s a special Sue power.)
She put on a tight Linkin Park t-shirt that looked like it was made for a cabbage patch doll. She whirled around, her micromini ripped skirt flying up to reveal her sexy black lace thong. “IM SO HAWT!” she moaned, suddenly throwing herself at the cracked mirror and trying to kiss herself. “AND IM HONRY.”
The cracked mirror cut her lip and blood spilled all over her clothes. Suddenly inspired, she pulled out a notebook and began to write lyrics.
So curse my lips and cut my eyes
So I can fall in bed tonight, and dieeeeeee
My SEXINESS keels me
You know it do
It keels me good
I like it 2
N U KIN TELL
(A/N- Not to be confused with Ohio is for Lovers, by Hawthorne Heights)
She began to sing, blood oozing down her chin, as she descended the stairs. Every window within a four mile radius cracked.
“SHUT UP!”
Lisinopril’s purple eyes turned red. “U STUPED BEEYOTCH, EYE IS DA ONLYYIEST 1 DAT KIN OOSE CAPZLOCKZ!”
Lisinopril skipped down the hallways, singing her new song.
N I WILLZ WAITZ FOR YOU
EVEBN THO YOU SMELLZ LIKE POOOOO
N I CAN MAKE PIEEEEEE
ON MY YOWNNN
MAKE PIEEEE ON MY YOWNNN
N MY FARTS SMELLZ LIKE
ROOOOOOOOOOOOOSESSSSS
(Once again, this is not based on Ohio is for Lovers)
Draco Malfoy stopped and fell to his knees, a sudden ringing in his ears bursting his eardrums. “AHHH!” he screamed, seeing Lisinopril skipping and that horrible thong… “I’m BLIND!”
Lisinopril knew this was her chance. “DRAKKIE POO! I LURVEEE YOUUU!” She jumped on top of him and began to hump him viciously.
“STOP! SOMEONE HELP ME! RAAAAPE!”
---
Here lies Draco Malfoy,
Met his end as a sex toy
He was a scared little boy
Raped by a girl that wouldn’t eat soy
His last moments held no joy
---
Epilogue:
Lisinopril was convicted of rape and murder and sentenced to life in Azkaban. Her mother, who was serving life in there for conspiracy to commit murder in the case of the husband that impregnated her with the horror we call Lisinopril, was found by her daughter. Lisinopril was overcome with emo joy and cut her wrists. Some say her mother stabbed her in the eye after her cutting, and others say she just cut too deep. Either way, the death of Lisinopril was considered a national holiday, and all were given the day off to celebrate.
The End.