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Well, I guess I should update, althoguh it seems that LiveJournal has seen its time gone by. Too bad, I like LJ. :) Anyway, went to my first wedding on Sat since "the incident". I had a little melt down when I saw my cousin in her dress, but all was well after that. Until my dad danced with me. :) It was sweet, but bitter sweet at teh same time. I also got sad when Tracy (my cousin/bride) was dancing with her father. :) But, I get to go to another wedding on Sat. One I am looking forward to. :) Not that I wasn't looking forward to my cousin's, but the people getting married are very good friends of mine and I am travleing 2 hours on a St to see them get married. Randy was supposed to be there, b/c he was going ot be in the wedding but he could not/would not *specualtion on my part* get out of work. Whatever. I am glad that he is not going, b/c then I would have to worry about who he was talking to and what eh was doing the whole time. i don't need that crap. I know it is stupid, but I don't know if I will ever be able to see him with another woman. I don't know if I will be able to handle it. I am sure that when I am 80, I will be ok with it, but right now I feel like Mrs. Havesham. i think that is her name, the women in Great Expactations who was left at teh alter and went crazy. I can't moove on. I am stuck. I feel stuck. i know that moving out of my paren's house is a good start, but it is such a big leap to take after all this. Everyone keeps telling me it will be good for me, that it is just what I need. Is it? What I meed is Randy. That is what I need. I need things to go back to the way they were, to being comfertable with someone adn loving someone with my whole heart without worry of it being broken into a million pieces then those pieces put in a blender adn whipped at maximum speed. I just want to heal. That is all I ask. Does it get better? I hope so, b/c I am tired of feeling like a dead person inside. I miss being happy, but I don't know if I can be happy knowing he is out there, somewhere, having a good time with someone else. It's not fair that he is already over me and here I am, floundering around trying to get my life in order while he is already living his life the way he always wanted to live it. Life sucks. Life is not fair. Remember this kiddies, nothing is definite. Ever. I got a nice dose of that. I don't know if I will ever be able to trust anyone ever again. I gave him my whole heart. Will I be able to do that again? I don't know right now. Maybe in a year or so. it will take me that long to get over him, I know that. I don't rebound well form tradegies it takes me a long time to get over things. This is going to take me a long time. Ok, I am beginging to repeat myself adn am rambeling so I need to go to sleep. If I can. Sleep is hard now. Later taters.