Well, that's that.
Well. it is over. 4 years. Poof, gone, like it never existed. I keep hoping that I will wake up and it will all be a dream. How can you stop loving someone? Someone who you have cared about for most of your life? He told be he stopped loving me. God, that is the worst. Stopped loving me??? What the FUCK!!! I give him the best years of my life, i gave him EVERYTHING and all he can say is that?? That it stopped "working" for him. I still can't believe it. I have so much to do with the wedding. I have to decide if i want to sell the ring myself or have him do it. I wish...I wish so many things. That I would wake up form this nightmare. That he loved me the way he used to. That he was...I don't even know. I was so happy in the begining. I wanted this to work, I was GOING to make it work. We were sooo good together. We were so intuned with each otehr. i thought we were made for each other. I guess I was wrong. But how wrong can one person be??? I guess this wrong. Everyone keeps telling me that it was better to find out now, before we got married and before we had kids. But all I keep thinking about is NOT getting married and NOT having kids. That is all I wanted with him. A good marrige and kids and to live comfertably. He wanted to give me all that, we used to talk for hours about those things. We even had names picked out. I can't believe it is over. Not yet. i almost still feel like he is in Iraq. That we just had a fight. Did we fight all the time? I know I am a strong personality, but did I drive him away? Into another person's arms? Apparently, while I was home alone wondering whether I was going to get married, he was out having dinner with some fucking girl from his Army Unit!! He says that he never laid a hand on her, that he only went out to dinner with her to talk to her about me. WTF!!! This man is so emotionally detached that he has to take another women out to dinner instead of his "fiance". I just keep running that over and over in my brain. I can't fucking believe it. Cocksucker. i NEVER use that word. i am a little shocked at myself for typing it here. I almost deleted it, but it was how I was feeling and this is where you put your feelings down, right? Right. So I say COCKSUCKER!! Ball-less bastard. Fucker. Dick. He always hated that word. Ha ha, dick, dick, dick, dick dick dick!!!!! I wish I knew how to make the letters bigger. This size does those screaming words no justice. I am emotioanlly drained. I have cried and screamed and yelled and kicked and swore myself exhausted. I can't think about this anymore. Thank God I have work tomorrow. 7 blissful hours of not thinking about Randy. But then, i have to go to dinner with Mondo and Jenny adn all they are going to want to do is talk about it. I have no strength to talk about it. I need to go to bed. Good Night.