i had "normal" sex

[nyxpiper]

for the first time in years i had sex the "normal" way. i feel like absolute shit and so does she. we both have gender issues and dislike of our selves... we have both been raped, i remember mine, she doesnt remember hers... it wasnt the first time she had asked me, but before i had always said no because it never seemed like she was in the right space of mind to make the decision to ask. she says she trusted me. she trusted me to say no and i didnt. i betrayed her. i have been triggered to cut badly vor about a week now... when she went to the bathroom just now i nearly grabbed her razors and dug them in hard... it was compulsive. but she came back... im so scared... im sorry if this isnt appropriat here...
 the sex was... emotionless for me... she asked.. she seemed to be in the right space of mind.. i thought... maybe not...

i feel empty