Hmm
Felt that this was worthy of saying because its a huge deal to me...
I hate being trapped between who i am and who i want to be.
How do you just change? I'm so used to being this way that I forget to even stop for a second throughout the day and say "wow I hate this about me, maybe I shouldn't be doing it." Its then, after my day has begun wrapping up that I sit back and think about things I wished I had done, or things I wish I hadn't done, or things I wish I had said or didn't say.
I hate the fact that I'm so shy. I'll talk to pretty much anyone, but its HOW I talk to them. Its like I'm stuck in reserve-mode. I hate it. Why am I so afraid of people? Why am I so damn concerned with what people think of me? Why can't I just be confident? I know I'll never be perfect, but I try so hard.....SO hard to be this image. Even on little things like doing my makeup everyday. I spend so much money on makeup. Yes, I enjoy it and its a way to reflect my personality, but as much as I try I just can't hide all of my flaws! I know this, yet I try and I try. I'm constantly looking at my hair thinking, "ugh, why can't it just do THIS?" or "ugh maybe it needs color....yes...no...maybe...later....now....money......ah" and "why can't it just look the way I want it to?"
And now I reread what I typed and think "ugh, am I really that type of girl?"
LOL. I never win with myself. Constant battle.
I want change. BADLY. I want to start something new. I'm scared yet anxious yet so excited to think about the future. Granted, I don't know what the future holds, but I definitely spend some time imagining.
I just really needed to type this out. Its like when you start thinking of something and then all of your thoughts start scattering. Well I figured this would help me deal with that.
I just wrote a crap load of something and erased it. It was about marriage. My sister is getting married in a few weeks (june 28) and I am the maid of honor. I don't want a wedding like hers. I want simple. I don't need relatives that I hardly see/speak to. I don't need tradition. I am fine without it. Vegas? I'm just glad its my sister and not me. ;) I've kept in mind that my mind about the whole could change after her wedding, but I doubt it. Small wedding would be just fine with me. :)
k im done.
I hate being trapped between who i am and who i want to be.
How do you just change? I'm so used to being this way that I forget to even stop for a second throughout the day and say "wow I hate this about me, maybe I shouldn't be doing it." Its then, after my day has begun wrapping up that I sit back and think about things I wished I had done, or things I wish I hadn't done, or things I wish I had said or didn't say.
I hate the fact that I'm so shy. I'll talk to pretty much anyone, but its HOW I talk to them. Its like I'm stuck in reserve-mode. I hate it. Why am I so afraid of people? Why am I so damn concerned with what people think of me? Why can't I just be confident? I know I'll never be perfect, but I try so hard.....SO hard to be this image. Even on little things like doing my makeup everyday. I spend so much money on makeup. Yes, I enjoy it and its a way to reflect my personality, but as much as I try I just can't hide all of my flaws! I know this, yet I try and I try. I'm constantly looking at my hair thinking, "ugh, why can't it just do THIS?" or "ugh maybe it needs color....yes...no...maybe...later....now....money......ah" and "why can't it just look the way I want it to?"
And now I reread what I typed and think "ugh, am I really that type of girl?"
LOL. I never win with myself. Constant battle.
I want change. BADLY. I want to start something new. I'm scared yet anxious yet so excited to think about the future. Granted, I don't know what the future holds, but I definitely spend some time imagining.
I just really needed to type this out. Its like when you start thinking of something and then all of your thoughts start scattering. Well I figured this would help me deal with that.
I just wrote a crap load of something and erased it. It was about marriage. My sister is getting married in a few weeks (june 28) and I am the maid of honor. I don't want a wedding like hers. I want simple. I don't need relatives that I hardly see/speak to. I don't need tradition. I am fine without it. Vegas? I'm just glad its my sister and not me. ;) I've kept in mind that my mind about the whole could change after her wedding, but I doubt it. Small wedding would be just fine with me. :)
k im done.