(no subject)
I don't like getting frustrated period, but even worse when I get frustrated at Ryan. I know he cares. He's the sweetest guy on the planet, but sometimes I just feel trapped. I want to be able to tell him everything, but sometimes I don't even know what to say. I guess recently I've realized how far behind I am. I'm starting to become attached to him and I get scared. I don't want to depend on him like I depended on Mulholland. I want to start becoming more independent, but I'm already having enough trouble because of my own self doubt. I want to be with him. He's the guy for me. I can see myself with him in the future, and I like what I see. I trust him completely and I know he won't break my heart. But why the doubt? I feel overwhelmed still. Sometimes I feel depressed. More so recently than I can remember. And its not because of him, but because of me. I went to my doctor and brought it up and she gave me medicine. But do I really want to rely on medicine to fix my moods and sleep? No. I want to be able to take on all of the problems I face without a doubt. I guess I'm just tired of being my own worst enemy. It's been that way for as long as I can remember.
Now this is the part where Viktoria IMs me and asks me what happened NEXT! =] Because you will kick me. And then possibly bring out your 9ft pole.