RP Fanfic: Fear
Title: Fear
Rating: G
Warning: N/A
Status: Complete
Characters: SMAP
Pairings/Friendship: Kusanagi Tsuyoshi + SMAP Friendship
Timeline: Right after the incident and just before Tsuyoshi's punishment.
Summary: After being arrested, Kusanagi Tsuyoshi had to face the consequences no matter how much he feared them.
A/N: None of the characters/actors belong to me. This work is purely fiction and does not reflect the real opinions/lifestyles of the person(s) involved. Comments and criticisms are welcomed. ENJOY! XD
FEAR
Kusanagi Tsuyoshi stared at the doorknob, his hand hovering over it. He had to go in there. He had to talk to him.
Because of all the members, it was Kimura Takuya’s reaction that he feared the most.
It was bad enough that he had delayed telling Kimura-kun about his arrest until after the media conference had been held, which meant that if Kimura-kun hadn’t found out about it from either his manager or the other Members, he would have found out about it through the newspaper. Tsuyoshi felt his heart clench at the pain he probably caused his fellow Member. Considering how much the other man treasured relationships, he had no doubt of the hurt that Kimura-kun had most likely felt if he had found out about it from a public third-party source.
Just like a stranger.
But, Tsuyoshi had been unable to bring himself to tell him. Every time he picked up the phone and dialed Kimura-kun’s number, his finger would freeze before he could press the green call button. How many times had he sat at his phone, holding it to his ear, cradling it against his cheek, at all hours of the day, only to replace it on its holder and begin the cycle all over again? How many?
Tsuyoshi sighed. And, the worst part was, he had no idea why he was so afraid.
It was instinct that prompted him to call Nakai-kun. He had called his Leader even before he called his manager, almost immediately after his arrest. He supposed that it was because he had always associated Nakai-kun with protection in his mind. When they were young, it was Nakai-kun he always ran to whenever he faced any problems. If he needed help or if he needed answers, the first solution that always popped into his head was, “Go to Nakai-kun.” To him, the other man was support; the wall that protected him from all the tribulations that wore at him.
And, Nakai-kun had come through for him once again, promising to bail Tsuyoshi out. He would deal with Tsuyoshi’s mistake later, but for now, a fellow Member needed help.
The first thing Tsuyoshi did when he arrived home to his dark and empty apartment was call Shingo; his partner, best friend and close confidante. If Tsuyoshi had a personal dictionary written by him, Shingo’s full name, picture and entire biography would be listed in the section under ‘friend’. The other man personified everything that came with the word friendship, including the willingness to take on a burden that was not his own. Although Tsuyoshi felt extremely guilty when he heard the emotionally choked voice of the younger Member ranting at him over the phone about his carelessness, Shingo’s emotions brought him a sense of relief. He didn’t have to bear his own tumultuous feelings alone. Shingo would share them with him; all of it, the loneliness, the guilt, the fear, and above all, the anger.
Because even though Shingo was angry at him, he knew that his partner was also raging at himself, for not being there to prevent it, for not being there when Tsuyoshi needed him. To Shingo, Tsuyoshi’s mistake was not his own. It was Shingo’s as well. It was a shared burden.
Goro-san, he did not call. Tsuyoshi had waited until the next day when he and his manager at to meet up with SMAPxSMAP’s head of staff to rearrange his schedule. He knew that the other man would be at the studio as well, and so had waited for him there instead. Even as he had expected Shingo to be all emotion, he knew that Goro-san would be the calm one. Even though Goro-san could be quite a hysterical person when it came to relatively small problems, he was always still whenever it was a big one, always patient, always soothing. Where Nakai-kun had been protection and Shingo had been emotion, Goro-san would be Tsuyoshi’s calm refuge in stormy waters. He had asked the other man to join him in an empty room, and like a steaming kettle, he talked and talked, about his vague memories in the park, and about his all too clear mind when he was locked in the police station.
All Goro-san did was listen, his eyes concerned, but it was all Tsuyoshi needed, the tranquil silence that stifled his own bubbling hysterics.
Now, there was just one person left.
Tsuyoshi stared at the doorknob again, glinting silver under the florescent lights, ignoring the curious looks that every passerby threw at him. Why was he this terrified?
Was it because he feared Kimura-kun’s wrath? If he were younger, the answer would probably be a clear ‘yes’. There was a time when he would get heart palpitations simply by being alone with Kimura-kun in the same room. As a teenager, Kimura-kun had been a hot-tempered perfectionist, not a good combination for handling someone as ‘my pace’ as Tsuyoshi. They had been complete opposites, clashing nearly every time they met, and Tsuyoshi had been unable to properly handle Kimura-kun’s volatile personality, his heated passion and his aggressive drive. He admired Kimura-kun for his many talents, but admiration was the closest he could get to a bond with the other man.
As they grew up, the both of them had come to accept each other’s quirks, and when Tsuyoshi had been accepted into Kimura-kun’s fold, he had begun to see the sides that Kimura-kun kept hidden from the rest of the world. Tsuyoshi had to admit that he had been a cry-baby when he was younger, a little too sensitive towards scolding and criticisms. Put him together with Kimura-kun, and you had the perfect combination for constant explosions.
Then, he had begun to see the pride and protectiveness under the strictness, because just as he never held back on scolding, Kimura-kun also never held back on praise. Even now, Tsuyoshi can still remember the sudden feeling of empowerment he had gained when Kimura-kun had praised him and defended him against the dance instructor who had scolded Tsuyoshi, simply because Kimura-kun had known that Tsuyoshi had thrown all of himself into dance practice. If there was one thing that Kimura-kun admired above all else, it was a person who gave their all to whatever they did. When he opened himself up, he had begun to feel the gentle intuitiveness that Nakai-kun had always talked about, the talent that Kimura-kun had for picking up on your mood and helping you deal with it in his own way. He had begun to understand the reason why Goro-san had come to rely so heavily on the older man, because Kimura-kun never broke a promise, never let you down, never allowed you to drown. Tsuyoshi had begun to understand why Shingo tended to indulge in childishness whenever he was together with Kimura-kun, because the other Member would put always put his loved ones first, above even his own needs. When he had begun to understand, fear became adoration, and admiration became hero-worship.
So then, why was he so afraid?
And the answer dawned on him. He didn’t fear Kimura-kun’s anger; that was justified. He feared rejection. He feared walking into the room and looking into his fellow Member’s eyes only to see disappointment etched in those expressive depths. He feared seeing the crooked smile that Kimura-kun always plastered on his face whenever he wanted to hide an undercurrent of emotion that was nothing close to happiness. Tsuyoshi had already hurt him.
Tsuyoshi could not bear to betray him.
‘What are you doing?’
He looked up to see Shingo walking his way, followed closely by Nakai-kun. Judging from their overworked yet refreshed looks, he suspected they had just ended filming together. He opened his mouth to answer, but could not get the words past the lump in his throat when he saw the look of sympathy in Nakai-kun’s eyes. Shingo’s own reaction followed a few seconds later, a look of sympathy with some other emotion that Tsuyoshi could not place. Shingo shifted as Nakai-kun took his place beside Tsuyoshi, his steady hand on Tsuyoshi’s shoulder. ‘You’ve got to face him sooner or later,’ he said.
Tsuyoshi sucked in a deep trembling breath. Nakai-kun was right. Sooner or later. He had delayed this long enough. Pushing the door open, he froze as his gaze alighted on a very familiar figure standing at the drinks table, his back to the door, seemingly in a deep conversation with Goro-san. His vision narrowed when Goro-san spotted the three of them in the doorway, tapping on Kimura-kun’s shoulder and motioning towards them. His vision tunneled when Kimura-kun looked straight at him, his face expressionless, his eyes searching. ‘I’m sorry I didn’t listen!’ Tsuyoshi wanted to scream, ‘It won’t happen again! Please forgive me!’ But he could do nothing, say nothing, pinned as he was by Kimura-kun’s intense gaze.
Whatever Kimura-kun was searching for he seemed to be successful in finding it because his next expression was a full-fledge smile, not one bursting with exuberant joy, but a gentle and welcoming expression that just embraced Tsuyoshi with its warmth. Turning fully towards him, Kimura-kun’s voice was low, but every syllable rang in Tsuyoshi’s ears, echoed in his mind, ‘Yoku ganbatta.’ [1]
It was as if a lock had been sprung. Everything that Tsuyoshi had felt over the past dark days rushed up upon him, overwhelming him, drowning him. His eyes burned, sudden tears welling up and blazing hot trails down his cheeks. He felt like a ragged-doll, left limp and weak from the rough and careless hands of a boisterous child. His knees buckled, and before he could even register it, strong arms wrapped themselves around him, supportive and protective, tanned from many hours of surfing under the sun. He had come so close to losing this, this casual intimacy, and he would never risk it ever again. He buried his head in the crook of his fellow Member’s neck, vaguely making out Nakai-kun’s exclamations of ‘Yokatta jan!’ [2] and Shingo’s unabashed laughter over his own muffled sobs.
This was only the beginning of his troubles. He would soon have to face the far-reaching consequences of his actions. He would have to deal with the media, the public. He would have to deal with the suffocation and the isolation.
But filled as he was with this warmth, he had no fear. They would be waiting for him.
He would not have to face it alone.
~OWARI~
[1] "Yoku ganbatta." Loosely translated to "You have worked hard."
[2] "Yokatta jan." Loosely translated to "Isn't that great."
Rating: G
Warning: N/A
Status: Complete
Characters: SMAP
Pairings/Friendship: Kusanagi Tsuyoshi + SMAP Friendship
Timeline: Right after the incident and just before Tsuyoshi's punishment.
Summary: After being arrested, Kusanagi Tsuyoshi had to face the consequences no matter how much he feared them.
A/N: None of the characters/actors belong to me. This work is purely fiction and does not reflect the real opinions/lifestyles of the person(s) involved. Comments and criticisms are welcomed. ENJOY! XD
FEAR
Kusanagi Tsuyoshi stared at the doorknob, his hand hovering over it. He had to go in there. He had to talk to him.
Because of all the members, it was Kimura Takuya’s reaction that he feared the most.
It was bad enough that he had delayed telling Kimura-kun about his arrest until after the media conference had been held, which meant that if Kimura-kun hadn’t found out about it from either his manager or the other Members, he would have found out about it through the newspaper. Tsuyoshi felt his heart clench at the pain he probably caused his fellow Member. Considering how much the other man treasured relationships, he had no doubt of the hurt that Kimura-kun had most likely felt if he had found out about it from a public third-party source.
Just like a stranger.
But, Tsuyoshi had been unable to bring himself to tell him. Every time he picked up the phone and dialed Kimura-kun’s number, his finger would freeze before he could press the green call button. How many times had he sat at his phone, holding it to his ear, cradling it against his cheek, at all hours of the day, only to replace it on its holder and begin the cycle all over again? How many?
Tsuyoshi sighed. And, the worst part was, he had no idea why he was so afraid.
It was instinct that prompted him to call Nakai-kun. He had called his Leader even before he called his manager, almost immediately after his arrest. He supposed that it was because he had always associated Nakai-kun with protection in his mind. When they were young, it was Nakai-kun he always ran to whenever he faced any problems. If he needed help or if he needed answers, the first solution that always popped into his head was, “Go to Nakai-kun.” To him, the other man was support; the wall that protected him from all the tribulations that wore at him.
And, Nakai-kun had come through for him once again, promising to bail Tsuyoshi out. He would deal with Tsuyoshi’s mistake later, but for now, a fellow Member needed help.
The first thing Tsuyoshi did when he arrived home to his dark and empty apartment was call Shingo; his partner, best friend and close confidante. If Tsuyoshi had a personal dictionary written by him, Shingo’s full name, picture and entire biography would be listed in the section under ‘friend’. The other man personified everything that came with the word friendship, including the willingness to take on a burden that was not his own. Although Tsuyoshi felt extremely guilty when he heard the emotionally choked voice of the younger Member ranting at him over the phone about his carelessness, Shingo’s emotions brought him a sense of relief. He didn’t have to bear his own tumultuous feelings alone. Shingo would share them with him; all of it, the loneliness, the guilt, the fear, and above all, the anger.
Because even though Shingo was angry at him, he knew that his partner was also raging at himself, for not being there to prevent it, for not being there when Tsuyoshi needed him. To Shingo, Tsuyoshi’s mistake was not his own. It was Shingo’s as well. It was a shared burden.
Goro-san, he did not call. Tsuyoshi had waited until the next day when he and his manager at to meet up with SMAPxSMAP’s head of staff to rearrange his schedule. He knew that the other man would be at the studio as well, and so had waited for him there instead. Even as he had expected Shingo to be all emotion, he knew that Goro-san would be the calm one. Even though Goro-san could be quite a hysterical person when it came to relatively small problems, he was always still whenever it was a big one, always patient, always soothing. Where Nakai-kun had been protection and Shingo had been emotion, Goro-san would be Tsuyoshi’s calm refuge in stormy waters. He had asked the other man to join him in an empty room, and like a steaming kettle, he talked and talked, about his vague memories in the park, and about his all too clear mind when he was locked in the police station.
All Goro-san did was listen, his eyes concerned, but it was all Tsuyoshi needed, the tranquil silence that stifled his own bubbling hysterics.
Now, there was just one person left.
Tsuyoshi stared at the doorknob again, glinting silver under the florescent lights, ignoring the curious looks that every passerby threw at him. Why was he this terrified?
Was it because he feared Kimura-kun’s wrath? If he were younger, the answer would probably be a clear ‘yes’. There was a time when he would get heart palpitations simply by being alone with Kimura-kun in the same room. As a teenager, Kimura-kun had been a hot-tempered perfectionist, not a good combination for handling someone as ‘my pace’ as Tsuyoshi. They had been complete opposites, clashing nearly every time they met, and Tsuyoshi had been unable to properly handle Kimura-kun’s volatile personality, his heated passion and his aggressive drive. He admired Kimura-kun for his many talents, but admiration was the closest he could get to a bond with the other man.
As they grew up, the both of them had come to accept each other’s quirks, and when Tsuyoshi had been accepted into Kimura-kun’s fold, he had begun to see the sides that Kimura-kun kept hidden from the rest of the world. Tsuyoshi had to admit that he had been a cry-baby when he was younger, a little too sensitive towards scolding and criticisms. Put him together with Kimura-kun, and you had the perfect combination for constant explosions.
Then, he had begun to see the pride and protectiveness under the strictness, because just as he never held back on scolding, Kimura-kun also never held back on praise. Even now, Tsuyoshi can still remember the sudden feeling of empowerment he had gained when Kimura-kun had praised him and defended him against the dance instructor who had scolded Tsuyoshi, simply because Kimura-kun had known that Tsuyoshi had thrown all of himself into dance practice. If there was one thing that Kimura-kun admired above all else, it was a person who gave their all to whatever they did. When he opened himself up, he had begun to feel the gentle intuitiveness that Nakai-kun had always talked about, the talent that Kimura-kun had for picking up on your mood and helping you deal with it in his own way. He had begun to understand the reason why Goro-san had come to rely so heavily on the older man, because Kimura-kun never broke a promise, never let you down, never allowed you to drown. Tsuyoshi had begun to understand why Shingo tended to indulge in childishness whenever he was together with Kimura-kun, because the other Member would put always put his loved ones first, above even his own needs. When he had begun to understand, fear became adoration, and admiration became hero-worship.
So then, why was he so afraid?
And the answer dawned on him. He didn’t fear Kimura-kun’s anger; that was justified. He feared rejection. He feared walking into the room and looking into his fellow Member’s eyes only to see disappointment etched in those expressive depths. He feared seeing the crooked smile that Kimura-kun always plastered on his face whenever he wanted to hide an undercurrent of emotion that was nothing close to happiness. Tsuyoshi had already hurt him.
Tsuyoshi could not bear to betray him.
‘What are you doing?’
He looked up to see Shingo walking his way, followed closely by Nakai-kun. Judging from their overworked yet refreshed looks, he suspected they had just ended filming together. He opened his mouth to answer, but could not get the words past the lump in his throat when he saw the look of sympathy in Nakai-kun’s eyes. Shingo’s own reaction followed a few seconds later, a look of sympathy with some other emotion that Tsuyoshi could not place. Shingo shifted as Nakai-kun took his place beside Tsuyoshi, his steady hand on Tsuyoshi’s shoulder. ‘You’ve got to face him sooner or later,’ he said.
Tsuyoshi sucked in a deep trembling breath. Nakai-kun was right. Sooner or later. He had delayed this long enough. Pushing the door open, he froze as his gaze alighted on a very familiar figure standing at the drinks table, his back to the door, seemingly in a deep conversation with Goro-san. His vision narrowed when Goro-san spotted the three of them in the doorway, tapping on Kimura-kun’s shoulder and motioning towards them. His vision tunneled when Kimura-kun looked straight at him, his face expressionless, his eyes searching. ‘I’m sorry I didn’t listen!’ Tsuyoshi wanted to scream, ‘It won’t happen again! Please forgive me!’ But he could do nothing, say nothing, pinned as he was by Kimura-kun’s intense gaze.
Whatever Kimura-kun was searching for he seemed to be successful in finding it because his next expression was a full-fledge smile, not one bursting with exuberant joy, but a gentle and welcoming expression that just embraced Tsuyoshi with its warmth. Turning fully towards him, Kimura-kun’s voice was low, but every syllable rang in Tsuyoshi’s ears, echoed in his mind, ‘Yoku ganbatta.’ [1]
It was as if a lock had been sprung. Everything that Tsuyoshi had felt over the past dark days rushed up upon him, overwhelming him, drowning him. His eyes burned, sudden tears welling up and blazing hot trails down his cheeks. He felt like a ragged-doll, left limp and weak from the rough and careless hands of a boisterous child. His knees buckled, and before he could even register it, strong arms wrapped themselves around him, supportive and protective, tanned from many hours of surfing under the sun. He had come so close to losing this, this casual intimacy, and he would never risk it ever again. He buried his head in the crook of his fellow Member’s neck, vaguely making out Nakai-kun’s exclamations of ‘Yokatta jan!’ [2] and Shingo’s unabashed laughter over his own muffled sobs.
This was only the beginning of his troubles. He would soon have to face the far-reaching consequences of his actions. He would have to deal with the media, the public. He would have to deal with the suffocation and the isolation.
But filled as he was with this warmth, he had no fear. They would be waiting for him.
He would not have to face it alone.
~OWARI~
[1] "Yoku ganbatta." Loosely translated to "You have worked hard."
[2] "Yokatta jan." Loosely translated to "Isn't that great."