Parenting: Discipline
Hey, look, a bajillion years later, it's another "meet my parenting style" post!
Standard disclaimer: Different things work for different parents/kids/families. I'm not trying to say or imply that my way is the best way, or that other ways aren't good. Just sharing how I, personally, do it.
Discipline is one of the hardest things to deal with as a parent. Here are the rules I try to follow:
1. Never let your relationship with your child become adversarial. Even for a minute. This is one of THE most important rules in my entire parenting philosophy. (zen master hand motions) If you allow your child to become your opponent, then you have already lost. (End zen master hand motions)
There are a lot of equally zen-sounding sub-rules that fold into this one, like: Always discipline out of love, and never in anger. Basically, I try to always be calm but firm, even when I have to use my Stern Mommy Voice. I make sure I make it clear that I love them -- saying so in as many words -- even while taking away their favorite toy or sending them to their rooms or whatever other horrible punishment circumstances force me to mete out. If, say, Maya is in her room crying and screaming about how awful I am after some incident of discipline -- which happens sometimes, I assure you -- I wait a bit until I think she's gotten past her meltdown peak, and then I come in and very gently get her to talk about it while cuddling her, and we talk through the problem together. Kyra needs slightly different treatment, in that honestly, 80% of her meltdowns are low-blood-sugar-based, and she's less likely to want to be cuddled while in the middle of a big snit, but the basic style of using a gentle voice once the immediate need for sternness is past and making sure she knows I love her while still being absolutely unbending about laws laid down remains.
Another slightly zen sub-rule: Discipline issues are problems to be solved together, not battles to be won.
2. Establish rules/patterns for how discipline works, and stick to them consistently. For instance, I have a rule that I can't give them something/let them have their way if they cry/fuss/deliver ultimatums/otherwise behave badly trying to get it. When they do, I tell them, "Well, now I can't give it to you even if I want to, because you cried for it." Even I am not allowed to break the rules -- we're both stuck.
Similarly, if I send them to their rooms, there are clear guidelines for when they get to come out ("When you're ready to apologize to your sister and be nice to her" is a common one). If I take something away, there are clear rules for when they get it back. That way, nothing feels arbitrary and unfair... they understand the system and can accept discipline better, because it matches their expectations.
I also try to make sure to establish expectations before enacting discipline. Some things they certainly know will get them in trouble, like hitting each other. If it's something we haven't established as behavior that leads to discipline, I like to give a clear warning with a statement of consequences first whenever possible. (Stage One: "Honey, don't wave that broom around over your head indoors. You could break something." Stage Two: "Remember what I said about not waving that broom around over your head?" Stage Three: "If you wave that broom around over your head one more time, I'm taking it away, and you can't have it for the rest of the day." Just because it's obvious to me that broom-waving is a bad plan doesn't mean it's obvious to a four-year-old.)
We also have some other handy rules, like the one I've mentioned before in this blog, where I don't punish the kids for things they fess up and tell me they did if I would not have found out otherwise. (Also known as the "Preparing for when you are teenagers" rule.)
3. Give a reason for everything. This one is a "well, duh," for me, but it bears mentioning. I always make sure to explain WHY something is bad and we shouldn't do it. Sometimes I ask first if they can think why it's not a good idea, which again helps with the "we're in this together" feeling, and gets them thinking themselves about it, but that only works if they're not too worked up. Stuff like "You could hurt someone" can be paired with "They might hit you back," to work that self-serving social consequence in to reinforce the abstract ethical reason (for another example, "You might hurt someone's feelings, and if you hurt people's feelings they won't want to be your friends anymore, and you'll have no one to play with"). "How would you feel if [insert scenario where someone is doing the same thing to them]" seems to work really well... better if you make it specific and plausible ("How would you feel if Kyra scribbled on your drawing? Well, I know you think you're helping her make her picture better, but to her it's the same thing").
4. Emphasize self-discipline. It's great when you can find a way to put the burden of responsibility for their actions on the child, where it belongs, rather than on you, where it will feel like cruel external tyranny.
The example I gave above of how I tell my kids they can come out of their rooms when they're ready to atone for their actions and behave better is an example... They'll actually voluntarily stay in there (often crying the whole time) until they really are ready to do those things. They have to master themselves and turn their mood around on their own.
Another thing I do is that if they get themselves in a bad place discipline-wise, where they're not happy to be, they can often work their way out of it through good deeds. Like, if they've lost their dessert privileges, maybe if they clean up their toys from the living room floor, they can earn it back. It's that whole "give back to the community you have harmed" thing. Given that most disciplinary situations in our house come from sisterly fights, I also often tell Child A that they can earn back whatever they've lost when they've made it up to Child B sufficiently that Child B says they can have it. (You would think that this would lead to a lot of abuse of power, but my kids at least tend to go REALLY easy on each other, which thereby turns around the offender from being mad at and mean to her sister to being overwhelmed with sisterly love and gratitude.)
All 4 of these rules basically tie in to a general philosophy that we are on the same side, and that my job is to get my kids to understand the effects their negative actions cause, why those effects aren't good, and to get them to take responsibility and make amends on their own...all while offering them love and support (but still being firm and consistent). Of course, it doesn't always work out perfectly, but it seems to work pretty well most of the time.
What made me feel like posting on this is an incident that happened yesterday. Maya, control-freak that she is, got really mad at Kyra when Kyra wasn't playing the game the way she wanted her to. (Kyra was a unicorn, and kept siding with me, a robber, rather than Maya, a police girl, even though Maya was trying to bribe her to the light side with Unicorn Niblets and other bennies.) This led to an enormous meltdown in which Maya cried, screamed, said terrible things, and executed various acts of minor violence on both Kyra and me (because remember, kids, with absolute power comes absolute responsibility, which means it's Always Mommy's Fault). Maya wound up first being cut out of the hot cocoa loop (I was making some for me and Kyra, and Maya said she wouldn't have hot cocoa unless Kyra did what she wanted, in an ill-fated attempt to deliver an ultimatum which I think she instantly regretted), and then got sent to her room when her little sister gave her a very sweet hug and kiss to show she still loved her despite all this nasty treatment, and Maya responded with a scream of "I hate you, Kyra!" (Shocking!)
Anyway, Maya was in there crying and screaming and cursing the cruelty of this terrible world, where a unicorn's loyalty cannot be bought with Niblets alone, and where terrible tyrants hold you to your ill-considered cocoa opt-out decisions, for a while. Then she came out, much chastened, and apologized to everyone ("coincidentally" around the point where the cocoa was almost ready), with hugs and kisses for her sister, and humbly asked if maybe she could have cocoa after all. I told her she had been so awful to her sister that I really wasn't sure I could give her cocoa... but then Kyra intervened and said Maya should have it. I made a big deal out of being surprised, and confirming that she really wanted Maya to have cocoa after all that, and Kyra emphatically confirmed that she did, and then there was much sister hugging and kissing, with me telling Maya how lucky she was to have such a great little sister, and we all sat down to cocoa, and the two of them played together beautifully for the rest of the evening.
I was pretty impressed with Kyra for being so forgiving (and calm about it) all through this whole debacle, but the point in this context is pretty much that with the appropriate groundwork already laid, the girls pretty much worked this one out themselves. Maya got herself under control on her own, and Kyra forgave her sister, and I think Maya really realized she'd been out of line... and they deserve most of the credit for that. But it probably wouldn't have been possible if we didn't have an established framework which emphasized taking responsibility for your actions and making amends to the injured party... and I think things certainly would have gone far worse if I'd ever lost my temper, or didn't have an established and consistent system where getting sent to her room and having to make it up to her sister were fully expected consequences for her actions.
So! There you have it! Probably more than you ever wanted to know about my own personal parental discipline philosophy. Whew!
And now I guess I should do the laundry, housecleaning, and 7V plot work I've been blowing off to write this... ;)
Standard disclaimer: Different things work for different parents/kids/families. I'm not trying to say or imply that my way is the best way, or that other ways aren't good. Just sharing how I, personally, do it.
Discipline is one of the hardest things to deal with as a parent. Here are the rules I try to follow:
1. Never let your relationship with your child become adversarial. Even for a minute. This is one of THE most important rules in my entire parenting philosophy. (zen master hand motions) If you allow your child to become your opponent, then you have already lost. (End zen master hand motions)
There are a lot of equally zen-sounding sub-rules that fold into this one, like: Always discipline out of love, and never in anger. Basically, I try to always be calm but firm, even when I have to use my Stern Mommy Voice. I make sure I make it clear that I love them -- saying so in as many words -- even while taking away their favorite toy or sending them to their rooms or whatever other horrible punishment circumstances force me to mete out. If, say, Maya is in her room crying and screaming about how awful I am after some incident of discipline -- which happens sometimes, I assure you -- I wait a bit until I think she's gotten past her meltdown peak, and then I come in and very gently get her to talk about it while cuddling her, and we talk through the problem together. Kyra needs slightly different treatment, in that honestly, 80% of her meltdowns are low-blood-sugar-based, and she's less likely to want to be cuddled while in the middle of a big snit, but the basic style of using a gentle voice once the immediate need for sternness is past and making sure she knows I love her while still being absolutely unbending about laws laid down remains.
Another slightly zen sub-rule: Discipline issues are problems to be solved together, not battles to be won.
2. Establish rules/patterns for how discipline works, and stick to them consistently. For instance, I have a rule that I can't give them something/let them have their way if they cry/fuss/deliver ultimatums/otherwise behave badly trying to get it. When they do, I tell them, "Well, now I can't give it to you even if I want to, because you cried for it." Even I am not allowed to break the rules -- we're both stuck.
Similarly, if I send them to their rooms, there are clear guidelines for when they get to come out ("When you're ready to apologize to your sister and be nice to her" is a common one). If I take something away, there are clear rules for when they get it back. That way, nothing feels arbitrary and unfair... they understand the system and can accept discipline better, because it matches their expectations.
I also try to make sure to establish expectations before enacting discipline. Some things they certainly know will get them in trouble, like hitting each other. If it's something we haven't established as behavior that leads to discipline, I like to give a clear warning with a statement of consequences first whenever possible. (Stage One: "Honey, don't wave that broom around over your head indoors. You could break something." Stage Two: "Remember what I said about not waving that broom around over your head?" Stage Three: "If you wave that broom around over your head one more time, I'm taking it away, and you can't have it for the rest of the day." Just because it's obvious to me that broom-waving is a bad plan doesn't mean it's obvious to a four-year-old.)
We also have some other handy rules, like the one I've mentioned before in this blog, where I don't punish the kids for things they fess up and tell me they did if I would not have found out otherwise. (Also known as the "Preparing for when you are teenagers" rule.)
3. Give a reason for everything. This one is a "well, duh," for me, but it bears mentioning. I always make sure to explain WHY something is bad and we shouldn't do it. Sometimes I ask first if they can think why it's not a good idea, which again helps with the "we're in this together" feeling, and gets them thinking themselves about it, but that only works if they're not too worked up. Stuff like "You could hurt someone" can be paired with "They might hit you back," to work that self-serving social consequence in to reinforce the abstract ethical reason (for another example, "You might hurt someone's feelings, and if you hurt people's feelings they won't want to be your friends anymore, and you'll have no one to play with"). "How would you feel if [insert scenario where someone is doing the same thing to them]" seems to work really well... better if you make it specific and plausible ("How would you feel if Kyra scribbled on your drawing? Well, I know you think you're helping her make her picture better, but to her it's the same thing").
4. Emphasize self-discipline. It's great when you can find a way to put the burden of responsibility for their actions on the child, where it belongs, rather than on you, where it will feel like cruel external tyranny.
The example I gave above of how I tell my kids they can come out of their rooms when they're ready to atone for their actions and behave better is an example... They'll actually voluntarily stay in there (often crying the whole time) until they really are ready to do those things. They have to master themselves and turn their mood around on their own.
Another thing I do is that if they get themselves in a bad place discipline-wise, where they're not happy to be, they can often work their way out of it through good deeds. Like, if they've lost their dessert privileges, maybe if they clean up their toys from the living room floor, they can earn it back. It's that whole "give back to the community you have harmed" thing. Given that most disciplinary situations in our house come from sisterly fights, I also often tell Child A that they can earn back whatever they've lost when they've made it up to Child B sufficiently that Child B says they can have it. (You would think that this would lead to a lot of abuse of power, but my kids at least tend to go REALLY easy on each other, which thereby turns around the offender from being mad at and mean to her sister to being overwhelmed with sisterly love and gratitude.)
All 4 of these rules basically tie in to a general philosophy that we are on the same side, and that my job is to get my kids to understand the effects their negative actions cause, why those effects aren't good, and to get them to take responsibility and make amends on their own...all while offering them love and support (but still being firm and consistent). Of course, it doesn't always work out perfectly, but it seems to work pretty well most of the time.
What made me feel like posting on this is an incident that happened yesterday. Maya, control-freak that she is, got really mad at Kyra when Kyra wasn't playing the game the way she wanted her to. (Kyra was a unicorn, and kept siding with me, a robber, rather than Maya, a police girl, even though Maya was trying to bribe her to the light side with Unicorn Niblets and other bennies.) This led to an enormous meltdown in which Maya cried, screamed, said terrible things, and executed various acts of minor violence on both Kyra and me (because remember, kids, with absolute power comes absolute responsibility, which means it's Always Mommy's Fault). Maya wound up first being cut out of the hot cocoa loop (I was making some for me and Kyra, and Maya said she wouldn't have hot cocoa unless Kyra did what she wanted, in an ill-fated attempt to deliver an ultimatum which I think she instantly regretted), and then got sent to her room when her little sister gave her a very sweet hug and kiss to show she still loved her despite all this nasty treatment, and Maya responded with a scream of "I hate you, Kyra!" (Shocking!)
Anyway, Maya was in there crying and screaming and cursing the cruelty of this terrible world, where a unicorn's loyalty cannot be bought with Niblets alone, and where terrible tyrants hold you to your ill-considered cocoa opt-out decisions, for a while. Then she came out, much chastened, and apologized to everyone ("coincidentally" around the point where the cocoa was almost ready), with hugs and kisses for her sister, and humbly asked if maybe she could have cocoa after all. I told her she had been so awful to her sister that I really wasn't sure I could give her cocoa... but then Kyra intervened and said Maya should have it. I made a big deal out of being surprised, and confirming that she really wanted Maya to have cocoa after all that, and Kyra emphatically confirmed that she did, and then there was much sister hugging and kissing, with me telling Maya how lucky she was to have such a great little sister, and we all sat down to cocoa, and the two of them played together beautifully for the rest of the evening.
I was pretty impressed with Kyra for being so forgiving (and calm about it) all through this whole debacle, but the point in this context is pretty much that with the appropriate groundwork already laid, the girls pretty much worked this one out themselves. Maya got herself under control on her own, and Kyra forgave her sister, and I think Maya really realized she'd been out of line... and they deserve most of the credit for that. But it probably wouldn't have been possible if we didn't have an established framework which emphasized taking responsibility for your actions and making amends to the injured party... and I think things certainly would have gone far worse if I'd ever lost my temper, or didn't have an established and consistent system where getting sent to her room and having to make it up to her sister were fully expected consequences for her actions.
So! There you have it! Probably more than you ever wanted to know about my own personal parental discipline philosophy. Whew!
And now I guess I should do the laundry, housecleaning, and 7V plot work I've been blowing off to write this... ;)