I Saw Her...
It was so strange seeing her today. For the first time in years a decade even I saw my first or second depending on how you count it best friend from my elementary school days. The days before I really became a screwed up mess. The days where I actually deserved things because I hadn't corrupted myself beyond help.
I think a part of me really still resents her and my other best friend. They left me both in fourth grade. Things started to become difficult for me socially in third grade already. To loose both of them that year blew.
Most kids I see these days always have someone around them another person their age for that matter. I remember from third grade that wasn't the case. I'd be alone frequently either reading or doing something pretend based on my own. I started this fantasy world that starred me. I didn't need anyone else for comfort or companionship. I mean flashing back to this I realize just how much I did become responsible for being the loner isolated girl I am.
I could have tried harder to make connections with kids even then. I could have tried to enjoy the normal activities that did not involve pretend. But no I continued on being the self involved girl I was bound to become in the here and now.
What would have Rachel been like if Stephanie F and S stayed behind? Would I be as lonely and socially screwed up as I have become? I mean it wasn't just that incident though that exacerbated the problem. The two other best friends I tried to hold onto each left at the end of the year to go some place else.
It wasn't fair, and I know life's not fair to everyone all the time but really this just seems to push the limits. And here I go again doing it again. This whole victimization bull shit I seem to try to push on myself.
But seeing her was just so bizarre. I mean it happened at work too which was a bad place to do a reunion of sorts. But when she said hello again to me I just simply extended my hand to shake hers. No she went and pulled me into this hug. A big part of me wanted to do something very unwork related and cry. Its so hard for me to hug people in a friendly manner. This is something that if she had still been with me as my best friend wouldn't seem so bizzare or out of place.
I mean do normal friends hug like that out in public unless they want to take it further?
I am mad at so many people and places. I WANT TO BE NORMAL! I WANT TO BE HAPPY.
I WANT TO FEEL DESERVING OF A FRIENDSHIP.. I know that's a lot but maybe if I set my expectations to one of those categories one or the other will follow. It needs to get better.
I want a friend to love me and for nothing more than that. I think that's the biggest thing I realized I wanted the minute I saw her.
I'll see what happens. Maybe I should get her number and start talking to her again. It could be a smart thing to do. I'll talk to my therapist in two weeks.
I think a part of me really still resents her and my other best friend. They left me both in fourth grade. Things started to become difficult for me socially in third grade already. To loose both of them that year blew.
Most kids I see these days always have someone around them another person their age for that matter. I remember from third grade that wasn't the case. I'd be alone frequently either reading or doing something pretend based on my own. I started this fantasy world that starred me. I didn't need anyone else for comfort or companionship. I mean flashing back to this I realize just how much I did become responsible for being the loner isolated girl I am.
I could have tried harder to make connections with kids even then. I could have tried to enjoy the normal activities that did not involve pretend. But no I continued on being the self involved girl I was bound to become in the here and now.
What would have Rachel been like if Stephanie F and S stayed behind? Would I be as lonely and socially screwed up as I have become? I mean it wasn't just that incident though that exacerbated the problem. The two other best friends I tried to hold onto each left at the end of the year to go some place else.
It wasn't fair, and I know life's not fair to everyone all the time but really this just seems to push the limits. And here I go again doing it again. This whole victimization bull shit I seem to try to push on myself.
But seeing her was just so bizarre. I mean it happened at work too which was a bad place to do a reunion of sorts. But when she said hello again to me I just simply extended my hand to shake hers. No she went and pulled me into this hug. A big part of me wanted to do something very unwork related and cry. Its so hard for me to hug people in a friendly manner. This is something that if she had still been with me as my best friend wouldn't seem so bizzare or out of place.
I mean do normal friends hug like that out in public unless they want to take it further?
I am mad at so many people and places. I WANT TO BE NORMAL! I WANT TO BE HAPPY.
I WANT TO FEEL DESERVING OF A FRIENDSHIP.. I know that's a lot but maybe if I set my expectations to one of those categories one or the other will follow. It needs to get better.
I want a friend to love me and for nothing more than that. I think that's the biggest thing I realized I wanted the minute I saw her.
I'll see what happens. Maybe I should get her number and start talking to her again. It could be a smart thing to do. I'll talk to my therapist in two weeks.