I just don't know.
I'm sitting in my living room on the couch watching the B'z 2006 concert, Monster's Garage. I've kind of relapsed into the music I liked in high school; B'z were the first Japanese group--hell, the first Asian group at all--who I actually looked into, their style is whiny 80's rock and they are extremely good. I'm honestly not going to rave too much about them here, if you know about them then you'll know what I'm talking about and if you don't know them then I pity you.
Right, and now you have an idea of the sort of mood I'm in. A cynical, I-don't-really-give-two-shits mood, and I hate those, but they just happen occasionally and I just gotta ride it out. I'm sick, I'm tired, people frustrate me, my thoughts and feelings are a mess. Apologies for the short emo post last night, I just don't think today's post mood will be much improved, sadly.
NaNoWriMo turned into a flop for me. I was doing perfectly well until about the 22nd of November when my laptop's power supply killed itself. The times I wrote the most was on my laptop on the way to and from work, and without being able to do that, having only my housemate's clunky desktop to fall back on which has a keyboard I want to disembowel, I quickly lost several days. By the time the problem had been rectified, I had lost my momentum and simply gave up. So, no NaNo 2010 winner's shirt for me and no virtual banner. I could have submitted a 50,000 word chunk of my fic but that wouldn't have felt right. Now I'm staring at the fic I'm supposed to be doing with some serious trepidation... it's like this weight on my shoulders--I know I need to do it, to just get it done but I could care less about it right now. NaNo was also the reason I didn't really update my LJ; after writing 2000 words a day, the last thing I wanted to do was sit down and squeeze out a post.
Last few weekends I have not been my productive self. Usually I squash too many activities into the time I have and stress myself out, but it's a nice kind of stress, because I feel I am achieving things. Not the last few weekends... I got a PlayStation 2 and have been playing endless hours of Final Fantasy XII. Not necessarily a bad thing, but then I look back on the last couple of weeks and realise how little I've achieved, artistically. And then it depresses me. And then I get angry at myself.
I really know myself well enough to know that this will happen and I'm not entirely sure why I don't do more to stop it. On top of feeling sick, that leaves me feeling useless, worn out and depressed. Not to mention I haven't been getting nearly as much sleep recently as I should have been, which means I am also exhausted.
And then there's some emotional issues I'm having. I really don't know where I stand with some people/activities/things and it's leaving me feeling lost and stressed out because I worry I'm over-thinking things and I automatically start to think negatively. There are things I'd love to say and do but I don't know how they would be perceived by certain people and I'm too afraid of losing those people. I always tell myself I don't give two shits what other people think about what I do, but that's... yeah, well. I'm full of bravado, it's pretty easy for me to fake self-confidence when in reality I have very little.
I'm still at the same job. I hate it. Well no, I like the work, but there's just some things... and my boss keeps telling me how they don't want to lose me and want me to stay and it's starting to get frustrating--it doesn't make me want to stay any more, but it just slathers on guilt I already had about leaving around this busy season. Maybe I'll do what one of the other girls who worked with us last year did. Maybe I'll go on my vacation in February and just... not come back. This business is going to run itself into the ground, their practices are so shady.
I hate Christmas.
Anyone who's spoken to me recently will know this, and I enforce it every year. I hate it. I hate the bastardized religious holiday turned commercial wank. I hate the obligation to buy things for people. I buy my friends gifts throughout the year for a reason; because I love them and because it will have been something I've seen and instantly thought, 'OH! ________ would LOVE that!' I don't want to go hunting for something obligatory that they might like. Don't get me gifts because this year I'm buying nothing for anyone. Write me a letter if you want to make me happy.
I can't wait for this year to be over. Honestly, I could go on in this wanky vein for a lot longer but I already feel so drained and no1curr anyway. It's a bit sad that my first LJ entry in almost a month had to be like this, but c'est la vie.
I think I probably need to catch up on sleep.
Right, and now you have an idea of the sort of mood I'm in. A cynical, I-don't-really-give-two-shits mood, and I hate those, but they just happen occasionally and I just gotta ride it out. I'm sick, I'm tired, people frustrate me, my thoughts and feelings are a mess. Apologies for the short emo post last night, I just don't think today's post mood will be much improved, sadly.
NaNoWriMo turned into a flop for me. I was doing perfectly well until about the 22nd of November when my laptop's power supply killed itself. The times I wrote the most was on my laptop on the way to and from work, and without being able to do that, having only my housemate's clunky desktop to fall back on which has a keyboard I want to disembowel, I quickly lost several days. By the time the problem had been rectified, I had lost my momentum and simply gave up. So, no NaNo 2010 winner's shirt for me and no virtual banner. I could have submitted a 50,000 word chunk of my fic but that wouldn't have felt right. Now I'm staring at the fic I'm supposed to be doing with some serious trepidation... it's like this weight on my shoulders--I know I need to do it, to just get it done but I could care less about it right now. NaNo was also the reason I didn't really update my LJ; after writing 2000 words a day, the last thing I wanted to do was sit down and squeeze out a post.
Last few weekends I have not been my productive self. Usually I squash too many activities into the time I have and stress myself out, but it's a nice kind of stress, because I feel I am achieving things. Not the last few weekends... I got a PlayStation 2 and have been playing endless hours of Final Fantasy XII. Not necessarily a bad thing, but then I look back on the last couple of weeks and realise how little I've achieved, artistically. And then it depresses me. And then I get angry at myself.
I really know myself well enough to know that this will happen and I'm not entirely sure why I don't do more to stop it. On top of feeling sick, that leaves me feeling useless, worn out and depressed. Not to mention I haven't been getting nearly as much sleep recently as I should have been, which means I am also exhausted.
And then there's some emotional issues I'm having. I really don't know where I stand with some people/activities/things and it's leaving me feeling lost and stressed out because I worry I'm over-thinking things and I automatically start to think negatively. There are things I'd love to say and do but I don't know how they would be perceived by certain people and I'm too afraid of losing those people. I always tell myself I don't give two shits what other people think about what I do, but that's... yeah, well. I'm full of bravado, it's pretty easy for me to fake self-confidence when in reality I have very little.
I'm still at the same job. I hate it. Well no, I like the work, but there's just some things... and my boss keeps telling me how they don't want to lose me and want me to stay and it's starting to get frustrating--it doesn't make me want to stay any more, but it just slathers on guilt I already had about leaving around this busy season. Maybe I'll do what one of the other girls who worked with us last year did. Maybe I'll go on my vacation in February and just... not come back. This business is going to run itself into the ground, their practices are so shady.
I hate Christmas.
Anyone who's spoken to me recently will know this, and I enforce it every year. I hate it. I hate the bastardized religious holiday turned commercial wank. I hate the obligation to buy things for people. I buy my friends gifts throughout the year for a reason; because I love them and because it will have been something I've seen and instantly thought, 'OH! ________ would LOVE that!' I don't want to go hunting for something obligatory that they might like. Don't get me gifts because this year I'm buying nothing for anyone. Write me a letter if you want to make me happy.
I can't wait for this year to be over. Honestly, I could go on in this wanky vein for a lot longer but I already feel so drained and no1curr anyway. It's a bit sad that my first LJ entry in almost a month had to be like this, but c'est la vie.
I think I probably need to catch up on sleep.