if my honesty offends you, assume i'm lying
some dude is flirting with me via text message. it's this guy our brother used to know back in high school that i saw at the bar a couple of weeks ago. we talked about kids and shit. now he's all "i can't believe that was u a few weeks ago. u have grown into one fine sexy piece". i said, "piece of what?". he didn't take the hint. "i often wonder what you would have done to me at my graduation party." i'm like, "uh... ask you where the booze was at?" cuz So. Not. Into. Him. he is a nice guy but was a friend of a family member and that's all. this guy doesn't really know me. i didn't flirt with him that night, why the hades does he think i would flirt with him now? i don't get it. why do people think i'm a dirty slut? i have goddamn standards. cripes, man.
"send me a sexy pic of u."
i said that i didn't have one but i should have busted out on him, "eat shit, Pervy Sage!"
"u don't have a camera phone?" wtf. dude. no fonpr0n for you. not now. not evah. i don't send pics of anybody to anyone, least of all pics of myself. there are three people in this world that have pics of me. three. he ain't one of em. amber is now laughing at my "consistent smackdowns" to every text he sends.
"yah right u just don't want me to see u blushing." aaaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaaaa. this shit is getting ridiculous.
i'll send him this:
moving on.
moreheads recommended i make a list to dry hump the writer's block away. s'great idea, so...
"Why I Hate the Holidays!" aka "Holiday Shit That Annoys Me"
Numba 1: traffic. out of town motherfuckers pissing up the roadways with their slow asses and bob'n'weave driving tactics. i don't have roadrage but this shit pisses me off. pick a goddamn lane. this ain't a game of Pong or Pacman. christ.
Numba 2: the price of shit. everything is jacked up 2938429384%. i am a broke bastard. who the fuck gives deodorant for xmas? yet, the price has jumped $2 from two months ago. i guess i'll just fucking stink.
Numba 3: all the goddamn lights. i am blind enough as it is without the searing halo of a quillion little white, red, and green lights leaping out from every house on every street, making it impossible to distinguish stop signs from human beings. they WANT me to mow down some poor jogger. that's what it is. of course, now Puppy has sent me these rad 3-D glasses that show all kinds of cool snowflakes and snowmen and Santas when you look at the outdoor lights. i'm going to wear them while i'm driving so that i can ooo and ahhh whilst blending in with the bob'n'weaving traffic. (they are very cool. thank you, puppeh ♥.)
Numba 4: store front bell ringers. you bastards. you make me feel bad when i pass you by and don't give you my very last nickel. i need that nickel. hey, gimme some of that change in there. you bitches should be collecting for my poor ass. fuck you i hate you.
Numba 5: being out-gifted. it is not my fault that you think more of me than i think of you so you got me an iphone and i got you a 90 cent ornament. on the flip side, i will fucking kill your mother if i got you an iphone and you got me a 90 cent ornament.
Numba 6: freeloaders. there's always one tard who comes to xmas every year, opens his shit, eats a ton of food, takes some leftovers, and then leaves. he never brings shit, he never offers to cook shit, and he never gives back your damn tupperware. this bastard is often in league with the shithead who has some stuff for you "on layaway". once this cake-eater gets all 30 years of my shit out of layaway i'm going to be fucking set.
Numba 7: holiday apparel. don't. wear. snowman/snowflake/santa/jingle bells/evergreen tree/elf sweaters or fucking stocking caps. to work. they look. retarded. and now so do you.
Numba 8: 40 stories tall nativity scenes. for some reason i feel like religion is forced on me with leviathan nativity scenes. it's probably because i know the real freaking origin of this holiday (Yule, anyone?) and feel that they negate every other holiday around this time. i feel like these behemoths are trying to reinforce that "no! it's about THIS. it's about THIS. it's about THIS." no. it ain't. not for me. but that's just catholic school backlash, i realize this.
Numba 9: jesus' b-day debate. i have read SO MUCH STUFF screaming that dec. 25 is not the big jc's birthday and just as much stuff stating that it is. some people say it's the 15th day of Tishri. some people say sometime in autumn. some people are saying march. some say he was conceived on dec. 25. some say it's all covert ops to neener neener the pagans.
Numba 10: people who don't celebrate anything. Anthony will bitch about xmas being commercialized - not because he believes that but because he's too cheap to buy shit for people. his wife will annoy everyone in the house. Uncle John and his kids will come, open presents, eat and leave and Amber and my mom will be pissed about it. Aaron will say one really funny thing, out of the blue. all the kids will be happy and wild and at least one of them will break at least one of their presents. someone will not get the present they wanted. someone will get exactly what they wanted. someone's present will not work correctly. my mom will almost stress herself into a stroke over getting the dinner "just like Grammie made it". all the adults will be sleep deprived because they stayed up all night either wrapping or cooking. someone will show up late and my mom will be livid about it because she's a freak about being on time. everyone will miss my grandmother and no one will say anything about it. Caleb and Anthony will have a philosophical conversation. smokers will congregate closer to the front door than they should because it's so damn cold outside. someone will bring someone else that is not a family member and make everyone uncomfortable. we'll watch Jesus Christ Superstar, even though no one is really catholic anymore, because Amber and Anthony singing the songs is hilarious. despite all the bitching i just did and will do, i still celebrate the fact that around this time of year these things will happen. memories will be made. stories will be told. wine will flow. laughs will be had. it may not be in the name of any lord or for the coming equinox or tied to any ethnic culture, but it's still a celebration. i feel sorry for those who don't allow themselves to have that and i hope those that don't have it find something like it soon.
wow. that list thing totally worked. ♥ moreheads
Song of the Day: Electric Six, "Chocolate Pope"
lyrics
"send me a sexy pic of u."
i said that i didn't have one but i should have busted out on him, "eat shit, Pervy Sage!"
"u don't have a camera phone?" wtf. dude. no fonpr0n for you. not now. not evah. i don't send pics of anybody to anyone, least of all pics of myself. there are three people in this world that have pics of me. three. he ain't one of em. amber is now laughing at my "consistent smackdowns" to every text he sends.
"yah right u just don't want me to see u blushing." aaaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaaaa. this shit is getting ridiculous.
i'll send him this:
moving on.
moreheads recommended i make a list to dry hump the writer's block away. s'great idea, so...
"Why I Hate the Holidays!" aka "Holiday Shit That Annoys Me"
Numba 1: traffic. out of town motherfuckers pissing up the roadways with their slow asses and bob'n'weave driving tactics. i don't have roadrage but this shit pisses me off. pick a goddamn lane. this ain't a game of Pong or Pacman. christ.
Numba 2: the price of shit. everything is jacked up 2938429384%. i am a broke bastard. who the fuck gives deodorant for xmas? yet, the price has jumped $2 from two months ago. i guess i'll just fucking stink.
Numba 3: all the goddamn lights. i am blind enough as it is without the searing halo of a quillion little white, red, and green lights leaping out from every house on every street, making it impossible to distinguish stop signs from human beings. they WANT me to mow down some poor jogger. that's what it is. of course, now Puppy has sent me these rad 3-D glasses that show all kinds of cool snowflakes and snowmen and Santas when you look at the outdoor lights. i'm going to wear them while i'm driving so that i can ooo and ahhh whilst blending in with the bob'n'weaving traffic. (they are very cool. thank you, puppeh ♥.)
Numba 4: store front bell ringers. you bastards. you make me feel bad when i pass you by and don't give you my very last nickel. i need that nickel. hey, gimme some of that change in there. you bitches should be collecting for my poor ass. fuck you i hate you.
Numba 5: being out-gifted. it is not my fault that you think more of me than i think of you so you got me an iphone and i got you a 90 cent ornament. on the flip side, i will fucking kill your mother if i got you an iphone and you got me a 90 cent ornament.
Numba 6: freeloaders. there's always one tard who comes to xmas every year, opens his shit, eats a ton of food, takes some leftovers, and then leaves. he never brings shit, he never offers to cook shit, and he never gives back your damn tupperware. this bastard is often in league with the shithead who has some stuff for you "on layaway". once this cake-eater gets all 30 years of my shit out of layaway i'm going to be fucking set.
Numba 7: holiday apparel. don't. wear. snowman/snowflake/santa/jingle bells/evergreen tree/elf sweaters or fucking stocking caps. to work. they look. retarded. and now so do you.
Numba 8: 40 stories tall nativity scenes. for some reason i feel like religion is forced on me with leviathan nativity scenes. it's probably because i know the real freaking origin of this holiday (Yule, anyone?) and feel that they negate every other holiday around this time. i feel like these behemoths are trying to reinforce that "no! it's about THIS. it's about THIS. it's about THIS." no. it ain't. not for me. but that's just catholic school backlash, i realize this.
Numba 9: jesus' b-day debate. i have read SO MUCH STUFF screaming that dec. 25 is not the big jc's birthday and just as much stuff stating that it is. some people say it's the 15th day of Tishri. some people say sometime in autumn. some people are saying march. some say he was conceived on dec. 25. some say it's all covert ops to neener neener the pagans.
Numba 10: people who don't celebrate anything. Anthony will bitch about xmas being commercialized - not because he believes that but because he's too cheap to buy shit for people. his wife will annoy everyone in the house. Uncle John and his kids will come, open presents, eat and leave and Amber and my mom will be pissed about it. Aaron will say one really funny thing, out of the blue. all the kids will be happy and wild and at least one of them will break at least one of their presents. someone will not get the present they wanted. someone will get exactly what they wanted. someone's present will not work correctly. my mom will almost stress herself into a stroke over getting the dinner "just like Grammie made it". all the adults will be sleep deprived because they stayed up all night either wrapping or cooking. someone will show up late and my mom will be livid about it because she's a freak about being on time. everyone will miss my grandmother and no one will say anything about it. Caleb and Anthony will have a philosophical conversation. smokers will congregate closer to the front door than they should because it's so damn cold outside. someone will bring someone else that is not a family member and make everyone uncomfortable. we'll watch Jesus Christ Superstar, even though no one is really catholic anymore, because Amber and Anthony singing the songs is hilarious. despite all the bitching i just did and will do, i still celebrate the fact that around this time of year these things will happen. memories will be made. stories will be told. wine will flow. laughs will be had. it may not be in the name of any lord or for the coming equinox or tied to any ethnic culture, but it's still a celebration. i feel sorry for those who don't allow themselves to have that and i hope those that don't have it find something like it soon.
wow. that list thing totally worked. ♥ moreheads
Song of the Day: Electric Six, "Chocolate Pope"
lyrics