sheddin that skin
i was reading ms. magazine yesterday at work, and there was an interview with the woman who wrote this book about communication between mothers and daughters. i probably should read that. in that article, the author was talking about how women and mothers are put on these unrealistic pedestals and met with all these unrealistic expectations, and then when something happens or these expectations aren't met (and they won't be, cuz they're extremely unrealistic), the mother/woman faces scorn. i've heard this before, realized this before, but this time it hit me differently.
my relationship with my mother's pretty fucked up, but it's getting better (in the sense that i'm becoming more accepting of her and where she's at). i've learned not to call her much, to not answer the phone when i'm not in a good space, and to return her phone calls in some sort of timely fashion. i've learned that she's never going to accept me as i am, and that she's never going to accept the reality of my childhood. while that's painful, and i've grieved this (and it's an ongoing process), i've learned that in order to have a relationship with her, that i need to accept this, and not speak my truth when i'm with her. which is painful and difficult, but there's no other way.
in my work in therapy and what not, i've had more resentments and anger and whatnots towards my mother, and not my father. and it's not because my mother was a perpetrator, but because i had her on this pedestal, and was socialized to have her on this pedestal (and she was as well), and she did not live up to my or society's expectations (or did she... one could argue either way...). i'm more angry with my mother for not protecting me than my father for abusing me. it's easier for me to do this, cuz i don't have to face as much of the pain of the abuse. it's also easier culturally, cuz i've been socialized to scapegoat my mother.
so today, i was writing in my journal, and i was able to shift some of that resentment and anger and whatnot towards my father. which is a good step for me. it's definitely a baby step. but it was a very good thing. thanks ms!