The Queen of Hearts
My distant cousin Helena (no blood relation to me) who is rude, uppidty, slutty and evil, came to town last week. We all had to meet her for dinner. Our meeting went like this:
HELENA: Ivan, I can't believe you just tried to run me over in the parking lot with your car! You almost really did hit me!
ME: Me? Try to hit you with my car? Helena, it was just an accident, why would you think I did it on purpose?
HELENA: Because you backed up and tried again.
ME: Oh. Well I'm not one to give up easily on things I start...
Helena is a man-eater. She was like a tornado that swept through Seattle, leaving dozens of men heart-broken, curled up in the fetal position in the dark, eating a box of junior mints and crying out her name. She looks like a Victoria Secret model, and she knows it. She'll leverage every penny from a guy, and then break up with them once the funds are gone.
Sometimes, she tries to get me to set her up with guys. It goes like this:
HELENA: Ivan, I know you know hot guys. Set me up, I've exhausted my supply of hot men. I'm just a lonely, lonely girl in a big town.
ME: Oh Helena. I've told you many times. YOU ARE NOT A GIRL. YOU ARE A DEMON. Possibly sent from GOD to test us.
HELENA: How could you say such things! I am not a demon!
ME: I'm not so sure about that. I went online and found some Vampire Slayer coven based in Ireland. I've sent them a sample of your hair, I should hear back on their analysis on what type of demon you are in 6 to 12 weeks.
My theory on Helena is that, she was born without a soul. When she was 22, she met an older man with money and married him. She started cheating on him openly. He had a heart attack one day, and was rushed to the ER. She didn't go see him because, as she told us, "I had already bought tickets to see Beyonce in Canada. I'm not going to miss it." They called her a few days later, telling her that he was in a coma. Not knowing all the specifics, she demanded that they take him off life support, without even discussing it with his children or other family members. When he died, she asked for the cheapest funeral possible, then went out and bought herself a Lexus. Her money ran out a year after that. Once that happened, she swindled her own father out of his life savings by faking a medical condition that she didn't have, and crying that she needed money for treatments.
Meetings with Helena can get tense. Like this:
MY COUSIN: Helena, did you take $1,000 out of Grandpa's safe? That's all the money he has left.
HELENA: What? No, I did no such thing.
MY COUSIN: Helena, you and I are the only ones who are at the house this week, and the house wasn't broken into.
HELENA: Oh. Yeah I forgot...I'm borrowing it. Don't you worry, I'll give it back.
MY COUSIN: You NEVER give it back. You do things and never take responsibility. Like that time you scratched Ivan's car and didn't even tell him.
ME: What? That was YOU? You are so EVIL and selfish!
HELENA: Me? Evil? Selfish? How dare you say those things!
ME: Well it's true. Like that time you tried to break up my ex-boyfriend and I by telling him that I was cheating on him. It didn't work because he knew you were CRAZY.
HELENA: Oh, you're talking about your ex Ethan? Damn he's hot. Looks exactly like Chris Evans. Tall, chiseled...damn I can't believe you dated him. It'd be like getting to have sex with Captain America. I only tried to break you up because he's too good for you. It never would have worked. He's super rich and he looks like Chris Evans. Do the math.
ME: Oh Bitch, I am about to cut you.
HELENA: Bring it. Lets settle this the traditional Chinese way. The way that ALL chinese people have settled their differences since the beginning of time.
ME: You mean...how ALL fights are finally settled in Chinese families?
HELENA: Yes.
ME: Okay. A butcher-knife fight it is. I think I might have a butcher knife in my man-purse, hold on. (Digs through man purse). My boyfriend took it away from me, but I might have put one back in there. Damn those White People. Always trying to hold a sassy gay Asian man down by cramping his style...
MY COUSIN: You two STOP FIGHTING. We can't have a butcher knife fight here. Out in public. With all these people.
HELENA: I agree.
ME: Yes, me too. Too many witnesses...
HELENA: Ivan, I can't believe you just tried to run me over in the parking lot with your car! You almost really did hit me!
ME: Me? Try to hit you with my car? Helena, it was just an accident, why would you think I did it on purpose?
HELENA: Because you backed up and tried again.
ME: Oh. Well I'm not one to give up easily on things I start...
Helena is a man-eater. She was like a tornado that swept through Seattle, leaving dozens of men heart-broken, curled up in the fetal position in the dark, eating a box of junior mints and crying out her name. She looks like a Victoria Secret model, and she knows it. She'll leverage every penny from a guy, and then break up with them once the funds are gone.
Sometimes, she tries to get me to set her up with guys. It goes like this:
HELENA: Ivan, I know you know hot guys. Set me up, I've exhausted my supply of hot men. I'm just a lonely, lonely girl in a big town.
ME: Oh Helena. I've told you many times. YOU ARE NOT A GIRL. YOU ARE A DEMON. Possibly sent from GOD to test us.
HELENA: How could you say such things! I am not a demon!
ME: I'm not so sure about that. I went online and found some Vampire Slayer coven based in Ireland. I've sent them a sample of your hair, I should hear back on their analysis on what type of demon you are in 6 to 12 weeks.
My theory on Helena is that, she was born without a soul. When she was 22, she met an older man with money and married him. She started cheating on him openly. He had a heart attack one day, and was rushed to the ER. She didn't go see him because, as she told us, "I had already bought tickets to see Beyonce in Canada. I'm not going to miss it." They called her a few days later, telling her that he was in a coma. Not knowing all the specifics, she demanded that they take him off life support, without even discussing it with his children or other family members. When he died, she asked for the cheapest funeral possible, then went out and bought herself a Lexus. Her money ran out a year after that. Once that happened, she swindled her own father out of his life savings by faking a medical condition that she didn't have, and crying that she needed money for treatments.
Meetings with Helena can get tense. Like this:
MY COUSIN: Helena, did you take $1,000 out of Grandpa's safe? That's all the money he has left.
HELENA: What? No, I did no such thing.
MY COUSIN: Helena, you and I are the only ones who are at the house this week, and the house wasn't broken into.
HELENA: Oh. Yeah I forgot...I'm borrowing it. Don't you worry, I'll give it back.
MY COUSIN: You NEVER give it back. You do things and never take responsibility. Like that time you scratched Ivan's car and didn't even tell him.
ME: What? That was YOU? You are so EVIL and selfish!
HELENA: Me? Evil? Selfish? How dare you say those things!
ME: Well it's true. Like that time you tried to break up my ex-boyfriend and I by telling him that I was cheating on him. It didn't work because he knew you were CRAZY.
HELENA: Oh, you're talking about your ex Ethan? Damn he's hot. Looks exactly like Chris Evans. Tall, chiseled...damn I can't believe you dated him. It'd be like getting to have sex with Captain America. I only tried to break you up because he's too good for you. It never would have worked. He's super rich and he looks like Chris Evans. Do the math.
ME: Oh Bitch, I am about to cut you.
HELENA: Bring it. Lets settle this the traditional Chinese way. The way that ALL chinese people have settled their differences since the beginning of time.
ME: You mean...how ALL fights are finally settled in Chinese families?
HELENA: Yes.
ME: Okay. A butcher-knife fight it is. I think I might have a butcher knife in my man-purse, hold on. (Digs through man purse). My boyfriend took it away from me, but I might have put one back in there. Damn those White People. Always trying to hold a sassy gay Asian man down by cramping his style...
MY COUSIN: You two STOP FIGHTING. We can't have a butcher knife fight here. Out in public. With all these people.
HELENA: I agree.
ME: Yes, me too. Too many witnesses...